Lately, I have been contemplating how the seasons are clearly changing. With each tree turning brilliant colors, with each "crunch" of the leaves under my feet, with each chill from a brisk wind, I am reminded that summer is over - it is indeed fall now.
This recognition of the outward changing of the seasons seems appropriate, as in many ways it mirrors the changing of the seasons in my own life. I have been at my job at the Agape Center for about a month and a half now, and after the insanity of the first few weeks, I have settled comfortably into the position. (For those who don't know, I was hired as the Interim Coordinator of Local Community Service the end of August.)
Summer was a much-needed rest, with flexible days and opportunities to do a variety of things with my time. But towards the end I was ready for something new, and I was so blessed to have this opportunity at the Agape Center to throw myself into this fall. The majority of my time and energy now go into my work there, but I love what I am doing. Of course there are moments that are frustrating or tiring, but I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be right now, and I am so grateful.
So this season, for me, is marked by many good things. Meeting with our student leaders and supporting them in their work. Brainstorming about how we can train and equip volunteers better for service. Having fun with the wonderful and quirky set of people I work with :) I'm learning what it means to be a "professional" and figuring out what that looks like for me. Make-up and heals have become a regular part of my wardrobe, in my attempt to look older than the students :)
But even as many things have changed for me, the most important parts of my life have remained constant. The love and support of church communities. Good conversations with roomies and friends. Time spent playing with kids. These are the things that sustain me, and I know that no matter what job I have, they will always be there.
As an "interim" I don't know how long this season will last, and when or what I will transition to next, but I am embracing it and giving it all I've got!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Give me your eyes, God...
I rediscovered a song today that really hit home in light of the things that I've been processing through with my neighborhood. It's called "Give me your eyes" by Brandon Heath, and this is my prayer as I walk through my neighborhood each day - the song for my journey right now...
"Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah
Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?
(Chorus)
I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah
"Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah
Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?
(Chorus)
I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"Streetwise"
The end of this month will mark the fourth month that I have lived "on the Hill" here in Harrisburg. Oddly enough, though, this last week or so has been one of the most challenging for me, bringing up many questions for me to wrestle with about how I interact with this neighborhood and its people.
Principle among these questions has been an issue of respect - why can't I walk down the street and be acknowledged as a human being instead of treated like an object by so many of the men here? From the beginning I knew that I would have to deal with rude comments from men, and resolved to brush them off. My first rule of interaction, though, was that I wouldn't ignore the people or look past them as I had been accustomed to before - at the very least I would make eye contact, recognizing them as human beings.
However, when so many of my attempts to acknowledge men as I pass them have been met with derisive comments, I begin to rethink my strategy. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I have felt systematically disrespected here despite my best efforts, and this week something in me snapped. For the first time I was really angry at my neighborhood and the segment of people who have repeatedly violated me. This no longer seemed like a diverse and welcoming place, but a hostile environment that I must navigate at my peril.
Unfortunately, my first reaction was to break my own rule and completely ignore every man I encountered on the street. I tried that for a day, and although I succeeded in avoiding unwelcome comments, it only fueled the anger and resentment that I was feeling.
Fortunately, my second reaction was to explore why. I know that I am living in a culture that is vastly different from my own, and I recognized that rather than resist that culture with all my might, it would be more productive and ultimately helpful to seek to understand it instead.
So yesterday I biked to Midtown Scholar's new bookstore, and lost myself in their Sociology section for hours. And I found exactly the kind of book that I needed right now - "Streetwise" by Elijah Anderson. He's an African-American sociologist who has done a lot of work in Philly, and gave very practical insights into how "the streets" operate and what signals and body language are used to navigate them effectively. I was hooked, and finished the entire book yesterday!
It was not only extremely insightful, but very convicting for me. He makes the distinction between "street etiquette", which applies rules of interaction broadly based on stereotypes, and "street wisdom", which recognizes people as individuals and tailors interactions accordingly. I realized that I was guilty of using "street etiquette" - I had created rules for how to interact with different types of people, and so when I encountered people on the street I did not see them, but rather I saw their race, their gender, their age and fit them into one of the categories I had created in my head to program a response. Granted, these programmed responses were based on my past experiences, but they were prejudiced nonetheless and wrong.
I want to become "streetwise" as the author calls it - not sticking to rigid rules based on crudely constructed stereotypes, but encountering people as individuals, treating them as people, and allowing for the possibility of a genuine interaction. After all, if I cannot see them as a human being not defined by their race, gender, and age, how can I expect them to do the same for me?
In reading my Bible this morning, I was also convicted that I have not really been loving people here like I should - like Jesus would. I've been loving my neighbors who are easy to love, but writing off those who are too difficult. I pray now that God will forgive me for this, and give me the "Agape" love that he has for the people of Allison Hill - so that I may truly love those who I encounter here.
Principle among these questions has been an issue of respect - why can't I walk down the street and be acknowledged as a human being instead of treated like an object by so many of the men here? From the beginning I knew that I would have to deal with rude comments from men, and resolved to brush them off. My first rule of interaction, though, was that I wouldn't ignore the people or look past them as I had been accustomed to before - at the very least I would make eye contact, recognizing them as human beings.
However, when so many of my attempts to acknowledge men as I pass them have been met with derisive comments, I begin to rethink my strategy. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I have felt systematically disrespected here despite my best efforts, and this week something in me snapped. For the first time I was really angry at my neighborhood and the segment of people who have repeatedly violated me. This no longer seemed like a diverse and welcoming place, but a hostile environment that I must navigate at my peril.
Unfortunately, my first reaction was to break my own rule and completely ignore every man I encountered on the street. I tried that for a day, and although I succeeded in avoiding unwelcome comments, it only fueled the anger and resentment that I was feeling.
Fortunately, my second reaction was to explore why. I know that I am living in a culture that is vastly different from my own, and I recognized that rather than resist that culture with all my might, it would be more productive and ultimately helpful to seek to understand it instead.
So yesterday I biked to Midtown Scholar's new bookstore, and lost myself in their Sociology section for hours. And I found exactly the kind of book that I needed right now - "Streetwise" by Elijah Anderson. He's an African-American sociologist who has done a lot of work in Philly, and gave very practical insights into how "the streets" operate and what signals and body language are used to navigate them effectively. I was hooked, and finished the entire book yesterday!
It was not only extremely insightful, but very convicting for me. He makes the distinction between "street etiquette", which applies rules of interaction broadly based on stereotypes, and "street wisdom", which recognizes people as individuals and tailors interactions accordingly. I realized that I was guilty of using "street etiquette" - I had created rules for how to interact with different types of people, and so when I encountered people on the street I did not see them, but rather I saw their race, their gender, their age and fit them into one of the categories I had created in my head to program a response. Granted, these programmed responses were based on my past experiences, but they were prejudiced nonetheless and wrong.
I want to become "streetwise" as the author calls it - not sticking to rigid rules based on crudely constructed stereotypes, but encountering people as individuals, treating them as people, and allowing for the possibility of a genuine interaction. After all, if I cannot see them as a human being not defined by their race, gender, and age, how can I expect them to do the same for me?
In reading my Bible this morning, I was also convicted that I have not really been loving people here like I should - like Jesus would. I've been loving my neighbors who are easy to love, but writing off those who are too difficult. I pray now that God will forgive me for this, and give me the "Agape" love that he has for the people of Allison Hill - so that I may truly love those who I encounter here.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
This is what it's all about
There are moments in life when things suddenly crystallize for you, and it suddenly becomes clear why you're doing what you're doing. I had such a moment tonight. It had been a stressful day - only my fourth day in my new job at the Agape Center - and by this evening I was feeling drained. I hadn't gotten everything done that I had hoped to, unexpected problems had come up that I had to deal with, and even though I was doing the Harrisburg tour - one of my favorite things - I was burdened with feelings of inadequacy.
All of the things that I wish I had done better were running through my head as we gathered at the end of the night to reflect on our day. It was obvious that everyone was tired, and I thought "sharing time" would be like pulling teeth. But it wasn't. Student after student, with barely a pause, voiced something meaningful about their day. Many of them shared about something that had impacted them from the Harrisburg tour - seeing true community amidst the brokenness in Allison Hill, having the experience of getting out of the cars and engaging with people, appreciating the really beautiful art that is everywhere, learning about the different parts of the city and the inequalities, discovering that there really are fun things to do here, and on and on.
As they spoke, I was moved - this was hands-down the most meaningful part of my day. Although I didn't say that out-loud, this made all of the stress of preparing for the tour absolutely worth it. This is why I'm here - to introduce students to a place and ideas and a lifestyle that means so much to me. Although I often fall short of my own expectations, this is what it's all about - what students are experiencing and learning. My work is producing fruit, but really it isn't about me at all. The words of Oscar Romero speak to this so eloquently, and I take comfort in them:
"It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own."
AMEN.
All of the things that I wish I had done better were running through my head as we gathered at the end of the night to reflect on our day. It was obvious that everyone was tired, and I thought "sharing time" would be like pulling teeth. But it wasn't. Student after student, with barely a pause, voiced something meaningful about their day. Many of them shared about something that had impacted them from the Harrisburg tour - seeing true community amidst the brokenness in Allison Hill, having the experience of getting out of the cars and engaging with people, appreciating the really beautiful art that is everywhere, learning about the different parts of the city and the inequalities, discovering that there really are fun things to do here, and on and on.
As they spoke, I was moved - this was hands-down the most meaningful part of my day. Although I didn't say that out-loud, this made all of the stress of preparing for the tour absolutely worth it. This is why I'm here - to introduce students to a place and ideas and a lifestyle that means so much to me. Although I often fall short of my own expectations, this is what it's all about - what students are experiencing and learning. My work is producing fruit, but really it isn't about me at all. The words of Oscar Romero speak to this so eloquently, and I take comfort in them:
"It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own."
AMEN.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Finding encouragement...
Lately it's been easy for me to get discouraged. The job search often seems to be going nowhere. The State Budget isn't getting much closer to being passed. It continues to be challenging to get to know our neighbors. I find myself too tired sometimes to exert the effort to reach out. My efforts at hospitality and building relationships don't always turn out the way I hope. I don't seem to have enough time to do everything that I want to, and end up feeling pulled in too many directions. Sometimes I feel like I've failed my ideals.
But every time these things bring me down, God finds a way to bring encouragement and lift me up. Spontaneous dinner with Agape Center friends. Play-time with the little boys next door. An elaborate African meal with our wonderful and talkative neighbor from Burkina Faso. Late night chats with my amazing roomies. Beautiful sunsets and gentle breezes. Unexpected naps. Joyous bike rides along the river. These are the things that give me life here. And most days the encouragements outweigh the discouragements - thank you, God.
But every time these things bring me down, God finds a way to bring encouragement and lift me up. Spontaneous dinner with Agape Center friends. Play-time with the little boys next door. An elaborate African meal with our wonderful and talkative neighbor from Burkina Faso. Late night chats with my amazing roomies. Beautiful sunsets and gentle breezes. Unexpected naps. Joyous bike rides along the river. These are the things that give me life here. And most days the encouragements outweigh the discouragements - thank you, God.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
What am I to do?
I am in the throes of intensive job-searching - with fall coming up quickly and no employment secured yet, I am exploring all possibilities and pulling out all the stops. It's rather stressful.
In moving to Harrisburg in June, I viewed this summer as a sorely-needed break - I did not want to jump into full-time employment after juggling too many commitments for too long. And for the most part it has been just that - doing nannying two days a week and enjoying the freedom of choosing what to do with the rest of my time. But in the past few weeks I have begun to feel restless - I'm ready to be doing something different now. Although there is value in dipping my toes into many different pools, you cannot make as much of a ripple that way. And as I've been doing bits of many different things, I have been feeling unfocused and ineffective.
The irony is that earlier this summer I was concerned that I had become lazy - I was so enjoying my "time off" that I dreaded the idea of full-time employment again. But now I see that there was nothing to fear - I needed a break, but now I am ready for the next challenge to sink my teeth into.
I long for meaningful work - something that I can throw myself into that allows me to work for the things that I am passionate about and effectively use the gifts and skills that I have to offer. There is so much that I want to do, to change, if only I am given the opportunities!
Yet for now I must continue the search - despite my frustrations - while practicing patience and trust. I know that God has placed me here in Harrisburg for a specific purpose, and I know that He has a plan. He did not give me these passions and gifts for nothing - He will use me. I just need to be content with His timetable, not mine...
In moving to Harrisburg in June, I viewed this summer as a sorely-needed break - I did not want to jump into full-time employment after juggling too many commitments for too long. And for the most part it has been just that - doing nannying two days a week and enjoying the freedom of choosing what to do with the rest of my time. But in the past few weeks I have begun to feel restless - I'm ready to be doing something different now. Although there is value in dipping my toes into many different pools, you cannot make as much of a ripple that way. And as I've been doing bits of many different things, I have been feeling unfocused and ineffective.
The irony is that earlier this summer I was concerned that I had become lazy - I was so enjoying my "time off" that I dreaded the idea of full-time employment again. But now I see that there was nothing to fear - I needed a break, but now I am ready for the next challenge to sink my teeth into.
I long for meaningful work - something that I can throw myself into that allows me to work for the things that I am passionate about and effectively use the gifts and skills that I have to offer. There is so much that I want to do, to change, if only I am given the opportunities!
Yet for now I must continue the search - despite my frustrations - while practicing patience and trust. I know that God has placed me here in Harrisburg for a specific purpose, and I know that He has a plan. He did not give me these passions and gifts for nothing - He will use me. I just need to be content with His timetable, not mine...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Serendipity: Breaking down stereotypes in the most unexpected ways
On Friday morning I was up early to drop off DJ (one of the kids I nanny) at Spanish camp at the local school. Then I went across the street to the Rite Aid to pick out a birthday card, and while I was there got the paper too. Then, as part of my goal of being more connected to my neighborhood, I decided to sit outside on my stoop and read the paper. It was still early, so not many people were out.
I settled into reading, but before long I started to notice people coming by with big garbage bags and picking up trash. I looked up and said "hi", but to be honest some of them looked like delinquents - I assumed that they must be doing a community service project as part of their sentence or something. How terribly stereotypical of me, I know. There has been little that has scared me about living in this neighborhood, although people seem to think I should be. However, I felt like I could be afraid of some of the guys walking past my stoop.
However, when other people continued to go past who looked "normal" (again, stereotypical, I know) I started to wonder if this was a community event that I was missing out on. And when someone asked me if I wanted to join in, I asked what was happening - and learned that this is through Weed & Seed and happens every Friday. My mind started racing - this was exactly the kind of opportunity I was looking for to get to know the neighborhood better and contribute in some way. Did I have the guts to get up off my stoop and go do it? I saw clearly that this was one of those things that would probably be uncomfortable and stretching, but that I would kick myself if I didn't do it. So I went.
Catching up with a group, I joined in. Someone asked if I had signed my name, and when I gave a puzzled look someone else laughed - "Does she look like she's on parole?" Ahh, so I had been right. This may be Weed & Seed community clean-up, but I had joined the group that was on parole - in fact the very people who had made me uncomfortable before!
I was clearly out of place, and it was kind of uncomfortable, but also really cool. They may be forced to do this because of things that they had done, but they were a really fun group to pick up trash with. Despite the swear words that were used as a regular part of their vocabulary, they never said anything rude to me - and were really interesting and funny people. And they seemed amazed that I had just gotten up off my stoop to come help when I saw them picking up trash. It's not like we are best friends now, and there are still plenty of barriers that stand between us. But I feel so thankful to have my stereotypes confronted and deconstructed a bit - to see these parolees as human beings rather than just people to be afraid of them. I will make this a regular part of my Fridays from now on, and I hope that I get to be in their group again.
The word "serendipity" is defined as: the act of finding something valuable or delightful when you are not looking for it. This was certainly a serendipitous morning for me - happening upon this experience totally unexpected, but finding something so valuable in it. And really, it had to be a God thing because there are so many "ifs": If Doug hadn't borrowed Des' car I would've gone to the Agape Center and not been there that morning. If Kirsten hadn't asked me to take DJ to Spanish Camp I wouldn't have been awake that morning. If I hadn't needed to get a birthday card at Rite Aid I wouldn't have bought the paper. And if I hadn't decided to read the paper outside I would've missed all of this. Thank you, God. I want to live in a way that is always open to these kinds of opportunities.
I settled into reading, but before long I started to notice people coming by with big garbage bags and picking up trash. I looked up and said "hi", but to be honest some of them looked like delinquents - I assumed that they must be doing a community service project as part of their sentence or something. How terribly stereotypical of me, I know. There has been little that has scared me about living in this neighborhood, although people seem to think I should be. However, I felt like I could be afraid of some of the guys walking past my stoop.
However, when other people continued to go past who looked "normal" (again, stereotypical, I know) I started to wonder if this was a community event that I was missing out on. And when someone asked me if I wanted to join in, I asked what was happening - and learned that this is through Weed & Seed and happens every Friday. My mind started racing - this was exactly the kind of opportunity I was looking for to get to know the neighborhood better and contribute in some way. Did I have the guts to get up off my stoop and go do it? I saw clearly that this was one of those things that would probably be uncomfortable and stretching, but that I would kick myself if I didn't do it. So I went.
Catching up with a group, I joined in. Someone asked if I had signed my name, and when I gave a puzzled look someone else laughed - "Does she look like she's on parole?" Ahh, so I had been right. This may be Weed & Seed community clean-up, but I had joined the group that was on parole - in fact the very people who had made me uncomfortable before!
I was clearly out of place, and it was kind of uncomfortable, but also really cool. They may be forced to do this because of things that they had done, but they were a really fun group to pick up trash with. Despite the swear words that were used as a regular part of their vocabulary, they never said anything rude to me - and were really interesting and funny people. And they seemed amazed that I had just gotten up off my stoop to come help when I saw them picking up trash. It's not like we are best friends now, and there are still plenty of barriers that stand between us. But I feel so thankful to have my stereotypes confronted and deconstructed a bit - to see these parolees as human beings rather than just people to be afraid of them. I will make this a regular part of my Fridays from now on, and I hope that I get to be in their group again.
The word "serendipity" is defined as: the act of finding something valuable or delightful when you are not looking for it. This was certainly a serendipitous morning for me - happening upon this experience totally unexpected, but finding something so valuable in it. And really, it had to be a God thing because there are so many "ifs": If Doug hadn't borrowed Des' car I would've gone to the Agape Center and not been there that morning. If Kirsten hadn't asked me to take DJ to Spanish Camp I wouldn't have been awake that morning. If I hadn't needed to get a birthday card at Rite Aid I wouldn't have bought the paper. And if I hadn't decided to read the paper outside I would've missed all of this. Thank you, God. I want to live in a way that is always open to these kinds of opportunities.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Becoming neighbors...
It's hard to believe that I have been here in my apartment on Derry St for over a month now. This is the neighborhood I fell in love with during my time at Messiah - and after years of driving in and out, it feels so right to live here now. I love that I am surrounded by people from so many different backgrounds - on my block alone, there are folks from Niger, Burkina Faso, Pakistan, and Puerto Rico! I love that people blare rap and hip-hop from their cars. I love that kids play outside on the sidewalks, and that people talk and laugh loudly outside my window. I also love the "roughness" of this neighborhood in a way that I can't explain. This place is so alive. Yet I won't pretend that it's free from problems - there are shootings sometimes, drug deals go down not far from here, and the cracked sidewalks and abandoned houses attest to the poverty that plagues this area. But there is also a lot of hope - so many organizations working for positive change here, so many people committed to making this a better place. And I am here to be one of them.
I have felt welcomed by the other "transplants" - our neighbors from Niger and Burkina Faso have become friends who watch out for us; our landlord and his family next-door are wonderful, sharing their children and telling us about ways to get involved in the neighborhood; Burmese refugee friends stop by all the time; and we have connected with other like-minded folks who moved onto the Hill intentionally. It has felt good to befriend other "outsiders".
Being welcomed by the natives of "the Hill" has not been so easy... I've quickly discovered that living in this neighborhood and being part of this neighborhood are two very different things. There's no question that us three white girls stick out. Most of the time it is something that is unspoken but tangible - when I walk down the street I can feel people looking and wondering what the heck this white girl is doing here. And sometimes there are comments - ranging from the curious: "what are you girls doing in this neighborhood? you're too nice to live here!" ...to the belligerent: "F*** white people!"
I so badly want to become a part of the community that exists in this neighborhood, but I underestimated how difficult it would be to connect across very real barriers of race, class, and culture. Because this really is a different culture - with its own history, identity, and way of life that I don't share, and ways of communicating and interacting that I don't fully understand yet. I long to understand, though, and even more to belong. But I know that will take time and a great deal of intentionality on my part.
I'm still figuring out how to interact with people - which is odd, because I'm no stranger to urban neighborhoods and grew up in one not that different from Allison Hill. Yet I was never a part of the neighborhoods I lived in before - I had been taught to put up my guard whenever I was out, so lived parallel lives to my neighbors, rarely interacting. That is not how I want to live anymore, but it is difficult to unlearn that now, and without intentionality I can easily default to just shutting everyone out. This is not driven by fear of bodily harm, because I'm not scared. But perhaps it is driven by fear of awkward interactions, fear of rude comments that can be the result of friendliness. Some days I'm tired and would rather just stay inside my apartment instead of dealing with it all, but most days I am up for the challenge. This is what I chose, and nobody ever said it would be easy.
One of my roommates commented recently that this place is hard - not like hard soil that just needs to be turned a few times to soften up, but like the concrete sidewalks that aren't easy to crack. However, I am reminded of a parting gift from my former boss at the Agape Center - a beautiful picture of a dandelion, with an encouragement to always plant ourselves in hard places, to grow where little else can, and flourish with a tenacity like that of this flower. That is what I hold onto now - I will be that dandelion here in South Allison Hill.
I have felt welcomed by the other "transplants" - our neighbors from Niger and Burkina Faso have become friends who watch out for us; our landlord and his family next-door are wonderful, sharing their children and telling us about ways to get involved in the neighborhood; Burmese refugee friends stop by all the time; and we have connected with other like-minded folks who moved onto the Hill intentionally. It has felt good to befriend other "outsiders".
Being welcomed by the natives of "the Hill" has not been so easy... I've quickly discovered that living in this neighborhood and being part of this neighborhood are two very different things. There's no question that us three white girls stick out. Most of the time it is something that is unspoken but tangible - when I walk down the street I can feel people looking and wondering what the heck this white girl is doing here. And sometimes there are comments - ranging from the curious: "what are you girls doing in this neighborhood? you're too nice to live here!" ...to the belligerent: "F*** white people!"
I so badly want to become a part of the community that exists in this neighborhood, but I underestimated how difficult it would be to connect across very real barriers of race, class, and culture. Because this really is a different culture - with its own history, identity, and way of life that I don't share, and ways of communicating and interacting that I don't fully understand yet. I long to understand, though, and even more to belong. But I know that will take time and a great deal of intentionality on my part.
I'm still figuring out how to interact with people - which is odd, because I'm no stranger to urban neighborhoods and grew up in one not that different from Allison Hill. Yet I was never a part of the neighborhoods I lived in before - I had been taught to put up my guard whenever I was out, so lived parallel lives to my neighbors, rarely interacting. That is not how I want to live anymore, but it is difficult to unlearn that now, and without intentionality I can easily default to just shutting everyone out. This is not driven by fear of bodily harm, because I'm not scared. But perhaps it is driven by fear of awkward interactions, fear of rude comments that can be the result of friendliness. Some days I'm tired and would rather just stay inside my apartment instead of dealing with it all, but most days I am up for the challenge. This is what I chose, and nobody ever said it would be easy.
One of my roommates commented recently that this place is hard - not like hard soil that just needs to be turned a few times to soften up, but like the concrete sidewalks that aren't easy to crack. However, I am reminded of a parting gift from my former boss at the Agape Center - a beautiful picture of a dandelion, with an encouragement to always plant ourselves in hard places, to grow where little else can, and flourish with a tenacity like that of this flower. That is what I hold onto now - I will be that dandelion here in South Allison Hill.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Family, “Stuff”, & Weather: Windows into my Control Complex
There are three things I’ve been preoccupied with during the last three days: my family, my “stuff”, and the weather. To make a little more sense, I’ve been home with my family sorting through a bunch of stuff in preparation for a flea market today which was decidedly impacted by the weather (refer to previous post).
The “stuff” part has actually been a lot of fun – oddly perhaps, I find that I get immense satisfaction out of sorting and organizing things, and was happily occupied with this for many hours. And I was positively gleeful when I got rid of a bunch of it – like Thoreau, I had felt burdened by the “tyranny of things”. Having so much stuff is stressful, since I don’t have room for it or use for it, and must exert so much effort to organize it and get rid of it. As he put it, then we do not own our things – they own us. So I felt a freedom of ridding myself of things that I no longer needed – I long to live simply and not feel burdened by so much “stuff”.
The family part has been not quite so fun – what is it about family that brings out the best and the absolute worst in people? At least, that seems to be true for me. We can have so much fun together and share great conversations, yet it takes so little to spark an argument that can easily degenerate into a yelling match. In general I consider myself a fairly decent and kind human being, but when I’m with my family I can be a real jerk and downright mean. I hate when I become that person, and I hate that it takes so little for her to emerge.
It’s sad, really, that family seems to bring out the ugly side of our human nature – because these are the very people who love us the most and have given us the most in life (at least, that’s true for me). The older I get and the more I interact with young kids and their parents, the better I understand the strain of parenthood – the constant demands upon your time and energy and patience, the choices you must make every minute, the many sacrifices, and the sometimes little thanks in return. All of this is done out of love and it is truly an amazing thing – something that I am only really beginning to appreciate in my own parents. Yes they are imperfect, yes they’ve made mistakes, yes they’ve passed on some dysfunctional patterns, but they deserve more from me than the tolerance, condescension, and snappishness that so often characterizes my interactions with them. Why is it that family are often the hardest people to love? Maybe because that is the one place where nothing is glossed over, and we see eachother’s imperfections most clearly…
Reflecting on all of the time I spent with my “stuff” and with my family, I had a lightbulb moment. While my enjoyment for sorting stuff and my frustration with interacting with my family both have definitely roots in my personality and history, they also speak to a fundamental truth about myself – I harbor a need to control. Part of why I love sorting stuff is that I exert ultimate control over it. I can put it in different piles and boxes, organize it by topic or author, and make it do anything I like. I can single-handedly transform great disorder into perfect order, and that gives me a heady feeling. I can’t do any of that with my parents or my brother – in fact, the more I attempt to mold their attitudes and actions into what I want, the more they resist it. I have no control over what they think or say or do, and when I try to make them conform to my timetable or my agenda it is usually in vain. I think the fact that I cannot control them is the source of some of my frustration – bringing a feeling of helplessness rather than power. And the rain today at the most inopportune times seemed to me to be a polite reminder from our Creator that despite our attempts and successes at controlling almost every aspect of our lives, we cannot control the weather – that’s completely up to God.
The “stuff” part has actually been a lot of fun – oddly perhaps, I find that I get immense satisfaction out of sorting and organizing things, and was happily occupied with this for many hours. And I was positively gleeful when I got rid of a bunch of it – like Thoreau, I had felt burdened by the “tyranny of things”. Having so much stuff is stressful, since I don’t have room for it or use for it, and must exert so much effort to organize it and get rid of it. As he put it, then we do not own our things – they own us. So I felt a freedom of ridding myself of things that I no longer needed – I long to live simply and not feel burdened by so much “stuff”.
The family part has been not quite so fun – what is it about family that brings out the best and the absolute worst in people? At least, that seems to be true for me. We can have so much fun together and share great conversations, yet it takes so little to spark an argument that can easily degenerate into a yelling match. In general I consider myself a fairly decent and kind human being, but when I’m with my family I can be a real jerk and downright mean. I hate when I become that person, and I hate that it takes so little for her to emerge.
It’s sad, really, that family seems to bring out the ugly side of our human nature – because these are the very people who love us the most and have given us the most in life (at least, that’s true for me). The older I get and the more I interact with young kids and their parents, the better I understand the strain of parenthood – the constant demands upon your time and energy and patience, the choices you must make every minute, the many sacrifices, and the sometimes little thanks in return. All of this is done out of love and it is truly an amazing thing – something that I am only really beginning to appreciate in my own parents. Yes they are imperfect, yes they’ve made mistakes, yes they’ve passed on some dysfunctional patterns, but they deserve more from me than the tolerance, condescension, and snappishness that so often characterizes my interactions with them. Why is it that family are often the hardest people to love? Maybe because that is the one place where nothing is glossed over, and we see eachother’s imperfections most clearly…
Reflecting on all of the time I spent with my “stuff” and with my family, I had a lightbulb moment. While my enjoyment for sorting stuff and my frustration with interacting with my family both have definitely roots in my personality and history, they also speak to a fundamental truth about myself – I harbor a need to control. Part of why I love sorting stuff is that I exert ultimate control over it. I can put it in different piles and boxes, organize it by topic or author, and make it do anything I like. I can single-handedly transform great disorder into perfect order, and that gives me a heady feeling. I can’t do any of that with my parents or my brother – in fact, the more I attempt to mold their attitudes and actions into what I want, the more they resist it. I have no control over what they think or say or do, and when I try to make them conform to my timetable or my agenda it is usually in vain. I think the fact that I cannot control them is the source of some of my frustration – bringing a feeling of helplessness rather than power. And the rain today at the most inopportune times seemed to me to be a polite reminder from our Creator that despite our attempts and successes at controlling almost every aspect of our lives, we cannot control the weather – that’s completely up to God.
A Very Long Day
Starting a 6:30 this morning, my day was spent hauling stuff back and forth to not one, but two flea markets! This is how it went down…
Put stuff in the car. Drive to Oxford Circle. Unload. Organize. Drive home. Load up car. Drive to Oak Lane. Drive home. Repeat process. Go back to Oxford Circle. Frantically load up amidst pouring rain. Groan at wet stuff piled haphazardly in the car. Drive home. Collapse. Change out of wet clothes. Devour pizza. Drag wet stuff out of car. Drive to Oak Lane. Load up. Drive home. Repeat process.
Finished at 6 in the evening. Exhausted.
It could be considered a bad day in many ways. It was a heck of a lot of running around. We got very wet and our stuff got wet. And after all of that time and effort, we made $17.65 at one flea market and $30 at the other one. Was it worth all of the family tensions and fights that resulted throughout the day?
Leave it to Beaver or some such show would conclude this episode with something like: “Well, we are tired and wet and still have a bunch of stuff, but we learned that when we work together as a family we can get stuff done and have fun!” The Arbours aren’t the Cleavers, and it’s not that easy. But we can laugh about it together, and for us that is enough.
Put stuff in the car. Drive to Oxford Circle. Unload. Organize. Drive home. Load up car. Drive to Oak Lane. Drive home. Repeat process. Go back to Oxford Circle. Frantically load up amidst pouring rain. Groan at wet stuff piled haphazardly in the car. Drive home. Collapse. Change out of wet clothes. Devour pizza. Drag wet stuff out of car. Drive to Oak Lane. Load up. Drive home. Repeat process.
Finished at 6 in the evening. Exhausted.
It could be considered a bad day in many ways. It was a heck of a lot of running around. We got very wet and our stuff got wet. And after all of that time and effort, we made $17.65 at one flea market and $30 at the other one. Was it worth all of the family tensions and fights that resulted throughout the day?
Leave it to Beaver or some such show would conclude this episode with something like: “Well, we are tired and wet and still have a bunch of stuff, but we learned that when we work together as a family we can get stuff done and have fun!” The Arbours aren’t the Cleavers, and it’s not that easy. But we can laugh about it together, and for us that is enough.
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Gift of Time: Creating a new lifestyle...
I am loving living in Harrisburg as an unemployed alum right now :) What excites me most is all of the time I suddenly have, and the freedom of choosing what to do with it. For the last 4 years I have been so accustomed to my schedule being dictated by my many responsibilities, so now I am thinking carefully about how I want to use this time that is now available to me. I know that my schedule will not always be so free, but how can I intentionally invest the time that I have to truly reflect the values that I hold dear? As a student I so often felt that my schedule and my values were in a tug-of-war, with a lot of my time being spent on what I had to do and not what I wanted to do.
Making lists is helpful to me, and so here's how I would like to translate my values into my new "Post-Grad Lifestyle":
Cultivate my relationship with God.
1. Be faithful in morning quiet time.
2. Practice prayer as a spiritual discipline.
Cultivate relationships with people.
3. Keep in touch better with friends who are far away.
4. Practice hospitality to those who are near.
Invest in the communities that I am a part of.
5. Find ways to use my gifts in my church communities.
6. Find ways to get involved in the Allison Hill community.
Engage with the broader world.
7. Keep up with the news!
Take care of myself.
8. Get enough sleep :)
9. Make time for rest.
10. Read for fun!
I am working on many of them already, but please hold me to them and give me ideas for things to add to this list!
Making lists is helpful to me, and so here's how I would like to translate my values into my new "Post-Grad Lifestyle":
Cultivate my relationship with God.
1. Be faithful in morning quiet time.
2. Practice prayer as a spiritual discipline.
Cultivate relationships with people.
3. Keep in touch better with friends who are far away.
4. Practice hospitality to those who are near.
Invest in the communities that I am a part of.
5. Find ways to use my gifts in my church communities.
6. Find ways to get involved in the Allison Hill community.
Engage with the broader world.
7. Keep up with the news!
Take care of myself.
8. Get enough sleep :)
9. Make time for rest.
10. Read for fun!
I am working on many of them already, but please hold me to them and give me ideas for things to add to this list!
Transitioning to Post-Grad Life: A Tale of Three Weekends
The past several weeks have been full of transition, and as I look back each weekend marks some sort of a turning point in my life. So let me describe my post-grad life through these key moments...
Weekend #1: Commencement
As an event that I had been looking forward to as the long-awaited end-point of my undergraduate career, it felt very surreal. The formalities and pomp and circumstance marking this milestone somehow felt unreal - like I had already completed my work and earned my degree, and this official recognition was anti-climatic. Everyone was making such a big deal about it, yet to me it was just the logical next step - graduation was what came after you finished school, and then "real life" started. It was that next step that I was itching to get to - "commencement" after all means "beginning" and I was ready to start something new. Despite the sadness of saying goodbyes, I did not dread the future like some of my peers - I was ready to take the next step.
Weekend #2: Philly
After graduation I went home to Philly, and the next weekend was jam-packed with people, as I went from my graduation party to hanging out with friends to church Sunday morning to lunch with friends to a different church in the evening! As an introvert that constant interaction drains me, but it was more than just being peopled-out - I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions. I felt caught between this overwhelming love and gratitude for these people and communities who have played significant roles in my life, and yet this distinct sense that I didn't belong there anymore. I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive - I can deeply appreciate the role that they have played at important junctures in my life while still knowing that it is time for me to move on. I know that these will always be places that I can come back to and be welcomed with open arms, but leaving this time had a certain feeling of finality to it. However, going through this process of letting go of Philly to a certain degree was healthy and necessary as I prepared to move on.
Weekend #3: Harrisburg!
This past weekend I moved into my new apartment in Harrisburg, something that I had been looking forward to for a long time. The weather was perfect, friends came to help, and it just felt so right. After constantly commuting to Hburg for church and volunteering and visiting friends, I was finally HERE and everything felt so close! And I was so excited to be living in the Allison Hill neighborhood, which I have come to know and love during my years at Messiah, and where I am committed to being involved however I can.
So that is where I am now - and so thankful to God for placing me here for however long He wills!
Weekend #1: Commencement
As an event that I had been looking forward to as the long-awaited end-point of my undergraduate career, it felt very surreal. The formalities and pomp and circumstance marking this milestone somehow felt unreal - like I had already completed my work and earned my degree, and this official recognition was anti-climatic. Everyone was making such a big deal about it, yet to me it was just the logical next step - graduation was what came after you finished school, and then "real life" started. It was that next step that I was itching to get to - "commencement" after all means "beginning" and I was ready to start something new. Despite the sadness of saying goodbyes, I did not dread the future like some of my peers - I was ready to take the next step.
Weekend #2: Philly
After graduation I went home to Philly, and the next weekend was jam-packed with people, as I went from my graduation party to hanging out with friends to church Sunday morning to lunch with friends to a different church in the evening! As an introvert that constant interaction drains me, but it was more than just being peopled-out - I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions. I felt caught between this overwhelming love and gratitude for these people and communities who have played significant roles in my life, and yet this distinct sense that I didn't belong there anymore. I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive - I can deeply appreciate the role that they have played at important junctures in my life while still knowing that it is time for me to move on. I know that these will always be places that I can come back to and be welcomed with open arms, but leaving this time had a certain feeling of finality to it. However, going through this process of letting go of Philly to a certain degree was healthy and necessary as I prepared to move on.
Weekend #3: Harrisburg!
This past weekend I moved into my new apartment in Harrisburg, something that I had been looking forward to for a long time. The weather was perfect, friends came to help, and it just felt so right. After constantly commuting to Hburg for church and volunteering and visiting friends, I was finally HERE and everything felt so close! And I was so excited to be living in the Allison Hill neighborhood, which I have come to know and love during my years at Messiah, and where I am committed to being involved however I can.
So that is where I am now - and so thankful to God for placing me here for however long He wills!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It is finished: Reflecting on my four years at Messiah
I graduated from Messiah College last Saturday. It still doesn't quite feel real to me, and my feelings about what it means to be a graduate will probably be the subject of another blog post. But I wanted to pause for a moment to reflect back on my four years at Messiah. It would be easy to throw myself into the many things that can occupy my time here at home, but important milestones cannot have meaning without taking time to reflect back on them. So here goes...
As I think back over my four years at Messiah, the person I was when I entered college is so different from who I am now as a graduate. My first two years set the foundation for learning and developing intellectually, as I was confronted with many new ideas inside and outside of class. Professors and peers challenged me with very different theological and political views, and I was forced to reevaluate much of what I had been taught. What did I really believe? This process of deconstructing my belief system was difficult, yet so crucial to who I am today.
Junior year I set off to explore – first going to Philadelphia, then Strasbourg, France. Both of these semesters were challenging and rewarding in very different ways. In Philly I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of the global injustices I was learning about. How could I as an individual affect change in the world? In France I felt isolated from people with compatible values and lifestyles. Where could I find true life-sustaining community to support me?
It was at this point that I connected with a special group of girls. Wrestling with similar questions, we decided to explore the answers together. We came to the realization that we can make a difference by raising awareness and involving ourselves and others in local action. And we can experience community by living together intentionally. Thus, the “SoJo” satellite house for social justice was born. Living in this house as a senior was a fitting culmination of my time at Messiah, and looking back I can see clearly how the core values that I hold dear now have been refined through my education and experiences here.
When I started college I believed in social justice, but in a very abstract and idealistic way. This belief was deeply informed through my education in the social sciences, where I gained knowledge about the grave social injustices embedded in the structure of our society and the consciousness of our minds. Realizations of the systemic nature of racism, poverty, and violence filled me with a burning desire to act. Initially I threw myself into activism, but my idealism about changing the world became realism when I interned at the Capital in Harrisburg. So I put away my protest signs and committed myself to working inside the government for change.
This is closely linked with service, another concept I came into Messiah valuing but not really understanding. However, as I got increasingly involved in the Agape Center – first as a volunteer and team leader, then as an Outreach Coordinator and now the Outreach Director – I began to grasp the complexities and challenges that go along with it. I became keenly aware of the race and class divides separating the Messiah volunteers from the kids we were working with. I learned about the unequal and dysfunctional education system that they are trapped in. I saw how service can be harmful if done carelessly, and how stereotypes have to be intentionally broken down. Service is not easy or simple, yet my commitment to it has only increased as I have seen the difference it can make when thoughtfully done.
The value which Messiah has most profoundly shaped in me is community. Although a campus buzzword, it has become very real to me. I have experienced it through church communities, small groups, and friends who accepted me, supported me, and nurtured me in my faith. I would not be who I am today without those relationships. And as I explored intentional living with my “SoJo” housemates, I embrace community as not just a core value but a constant lifestyle. Supporting one another, carrying each other’s burdens, practicing hospitality, taking Sabbath rest – this is all part of being in community. It is not always easy but is so rewarding, and these relationships and this lifestyle are what I will carry with me.
Equipped and released. That’s how I feel now as a result of my four years here. Messiah has informed and cultivated my core values, and given me so many opportunities to develop and grow as a student leader. As a graduate I am still working out my vocation in terms of a job, but am committed to living intentionally with others and investing in a low-income urban community. Specifically, I am ready to pour into Harrisburg, a city I have grown to love during my time here.
As I look back over my four years, I can see the unmistakable marks of God’s work in my life. He has truly been guiding my path each step of the way and still is, although I don’t know where it will lead next.
As I think back over my four years at Messiah, the person I was when I entered college is so different from who I am now as a graduate. My first two years set the foundation for learning and developing intellectually, as I was confronted with many new ideas inside and outside of class. Professors and peers challenged me with very different theological and political views, and I was forced to reevaluate much of what I had been taught. What did I really believe? This process of deconstructing my belief system was difficult, yet so crucial to who I am today.
Junior year I set off to explore – first going to Philadelphia, then Strasbourg, France. Both of these semesters were challenging and rewarding in very different ways. In Philly I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of the global injustices I was learning about. How could I as an individual affect change in the world? In France I felt isolated from people with compatible values and lifestyles. Where could I find true life-sustaining community to support me?
It was at this point that I connected with a special group of girls. Wrestling with similar questions, we decided to explore the answers together. We came to the realization that we can make a difference by raising awareness and involving ourselves and others in local action. And we can experience community by living together intentionally. Thus, the “SoJo” satellite house for social justice was born. Living in this house as a senior was a fitting culmination of my time at Messiah, and looking back I can see clearly how the core values that I hold dear now have been refined through my education and experiences here.
When I started college I believed in social justice, but in a very abstract and idealistic way. This belief was deeply informed through my education in the social sciences, where I gained knowledge about the grave social injustices embedded in the structure of our society and the consciousness of our minds. Realizations of the systemic nature of racism, poverty, and violence filled me with a burning desire to act. Initially I threw myself into activism, but my idealism about changing the world became realism when I interned at the Capital in Harrisburg. So I put away my protest signs and committed myself to working inside the government for change.
This is closely linked with service, another concept I came into Messiah valuing but not really understanding. However, as I got increasingly involved in the Agape Center – first as a volunteer and team leader, then as an Outreach Coordinator and now the Outreach Director – I began to grasp the complexities and challenges that go along with it. I became keenly aware of the race and class divides separating the Messiah volunteers from the kids we were working with. I learned about the unequal and dysfunctional education system that they are trapped in. I saw how service can be harmful if done carelessly, and how stereotypes have to be intentionally broken down. Service is not easy or simple, yet my commitment to it has only increased as I have seen the difference it can make when thoughtfully done.
The value which Messiah has most profoundly shaped in me is community. Although a campus buzzword, it has become very real to me. I have experienced it through church communities, small groups, and friends who accepted me, supported me, and nurtured me in my faith. I would not be who I am today without those relationships. And as I explored intentional living with my “SoJo” housemates, I embrace community as not just a core value but a constant lifestyle. Supporting one another, carrying each other’s burdens, practicing hospitality, taking Sabbath rest – this is all part of being in community. It is not always easy but is so rewarding, and these relationships and this lifestyle are what I will carry with me.
Equipped and released. That’s how I feel now as a result of my four years here. Messiah has informed and cultivated my core values, and given me so many opportunities to develop and grow as a student leader. As a graduate I am still working out my vocation in terms of a job, but am committed to living intentionally with others and investing in a low-income urban community. Specifically, I am ready to pour into Harrisburg, a city I have grown to love during my time here.
As I look back over my four years, I can see the unmistakable marks of God’s work in my life. He has truly been guiding my path each step of the way and still is, although I don’t know where it will lead next.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The end is near...
One week from today I will graduate - it's still hard to believe how fast these four years have gone by. But I am ready - these last few weeks have been really stressful in terms of schoolwork and Agape work, and as much as I've valued my time here, I am so ready to be done.
So ready to cease this lifestyle of a student being constantly pulled in so many directions. So ready to leave an atmosphere where I am held to and judged by standards that I don't necessarily agree with. So ready to embrace a lifestyle of my own choosing, and practice more fully the values that are important to me.
It is at times like this that I really question why higher education does this to students - this imposition of impossible standards, this encouragement towards leadership and extracurricular activities that make balance so difficult. Where is the value in rest, in reflection, in rejuvenating time with people? It seems these are the things that I constantly have to fight for to remain in my schedule.
Recently I have not fought to keep rest, reflection, and friends in my schedule amidst all of the stress, and I have felt the effects of it. All day today I have been trying to work on my internship portfolio, something that shouldn't be too hard, but have failed miserably. I felt like I could not do anything - the drive to finish was gone, leaving me tired and unmotivated. Yet there was still so much to do, and it was overwhelming.
But then I took a break - ate supper outside with housemates and friends, took pictures, turned cartwheels, and laughed a lot! It was just what I needed - some time to get away from all of my work and thoughts about work, and enjoy these silly moments with people dear to me. How many times do I have to learn this lesson, that pushing myself to work constantly only results in frustration? That without rest and reflection and fun, I cannot do my work well? This is what I have been reminded of tonight - and I am grateful for my wonderful housemates, who put up with my frustration, encourage me to keep going, and pull me away for a picnic :) I am learning so much from them everyday...
So ready to cease this lifestyle of a student being constantly pulled in so many directions. So ready to leave an atmosphere where I am held to and judged by standards that I don't necessarily agree with. So ready to embrace a lifestyle of my own choosing, and practice more fully the values that are important to me.
It is at times like this that I really question why higher education does this to students - this imposition of impossible standards, this encouragement towards leadership and extracurricular activities that make balance so difficult. Where is the value in rest, in reflection, in rejuvenating time with people? It seems these are the things that I constantly have to fight for to remain in my schedule.
Recently I have not fought to keep rest, reflection, and friends in my schedule amidst all of the stress, and I have felt the effects of it. All day today I have been trying to work on my internship portfolio, something that shouldn't be too hard, but have failed miserably. I felt like I could not do anything - the drive to finish was gone, leaving me tired and unmotivated. Yet there was still so much to do, and it was overwhelming.
But then I took a break - ate supper outside with housemates and friends, took pictures, turned cartwheels, and laughed a lot! It was just what I needed - some time to get away from all of my work and thoughts about work, and enjoy these silly moments with people dear to me. How many times do I have to learn this lesson, that pushing myself to work constantly only results in frustration? That without rest and reflection and fun, I cannot do my work well? This is what I have been reminded of tonight - and I am grateful for my wonderful housemates, who put up with my frustration, encourage me to keep going, and pull me away for a picnic :) I am learning so much from them everyday...
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thoughts from a “shadow”
Today for my internship I got to shadow a high-up Policy person at the Capital, and it was great! For starters, the woman I was shadowing is simply amazing – she’s in constant motion convening meetings, asking questions, giving orders, and cracking jokes. She moved so fast that a few times she lost her “shadow” :) But it was really a neat experience to watch this brilliant woman at work. She’s a small woman in the tall men’s world of politics, but whenever she is in a room she holds people’s attention and respect. And while considering all of these weighty issues, she’s still able to have fun. Very impressive.
Today happened to be a day when she was absolutely booked, and so I went to back-to-back meetings with her all day. The breadth and depth of material covered in these meetings surprised me, and gave me a new understanding of how interconnected everything really is. She is a Policy person, so in some meetings we hammered out details of how best to administer the nuts and bolts of a certain policy. But in other meetings we strategized how to get legislation passed, and still other meetings were about the PR campaign for getting the public on-board. Sometimes all of these elements were discussed in the same meeting! So it was just really interesting for me to see how all of these pieces are inseparable, and that to be effective at this level you have to be able to integrate multiple approaches to a given issue and constantly switch back and forth.
Another thing that stuck out to me as I sat through these meetings was how much emphasis there was on money and how to use it. It makes sense that governance at this level deals a lot with apportioning and administering funds, because money is the lifeblood of all programming, especially in our age of economic crisis. There are so many different “pots” of money to manage but never enough to go around, so these people must make the hard decisions about who gets what when, and then fight tooth and nail to make sure it’s not taken away. That’s really what it comes down to. And the devil really is in the details, so much time and painstaking effort must be spent to make sure funding formulas and allocation schemes are exactly right with no unintended consequences.
Apart from the actual content of the meetings, I was interested to just observe how people interacted. There was always lively debate, and I learned some key things about how to be effective in meetings. You have to be assertive and speak up – if you don’t interrupt people your voice won’t get heard. You have to ask lots of questions to get all of the information, and you have to ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand the decision that has been made and what is expected of you. You also can’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” or “I’ll get back to you on that”. These are all really important things for me to take away, since lack of assertiveness is definitely a weakness of mine. I feel like I would be better at it in a setting where I was more comfortable and had a defined role, rather than this nebulous “intern” who’s kind of on the fringe. But I do definitely need to be practicing in this area…
One of the best parts of the day was when I unexpectedly got to meet the Governor as part of my shadowing! Sitting with him and the person I was shadowing as they talked made me realize that these are real people too – people who get tired after a long day and forget things sometimes. But I think that in recognizing them as real people, my respect and admiration for them only grows. Their jobs are not always as glamorous as they seem – these are “public servants” in every sense of the term who work their butts off under nearly impossible circumstances to accomplish things that they really believe in. I could feel the Governor’s passion and pent-up frustration as he addressed the press about the need for gun control, an issue close to my heart. I saw the many roadblocks that people tried their best to circumnavigate during meetings throughout the day. It’s hard work, it consumes your every waking hour, and these people do not get enough recognition for it. The public are so easily persuaded to lambaste government for everything under the sun, but few realize or appreciate how much good work is done. And whenever something is accomplished, there will always be people to condemn them for it.
So it was an exciting, interesting, and enlightening day – only further confirmation that this is what I want to do :)
Today happened to be a day when she was absolutely booked, and so I went to back-to-back meetings with her all day. The breadth and depth of material covered in these meetings surprised me, and gave me a new understanding of how interconnected everything really is. She is a Policy person, so in some meetings we hammered out details of how best to administer the nuts and bolts of a certain policy. But in other meetings we strategized how to get legislation passed, and still other meetings were about the PR campaign for getting the public on-board. Sometimes all of these elements were discussed in the same meeting! So it was just really interesting for me to see how all of these pieces are inseparable, and that to be effective at this level you have to be able to integrate multiple approaches to a given issue and constantly switch back and forth.
Another thing that stuck out to me as I sat through these meetings was how much emphasis there was on money and how to use it. It makes sense that governance at this level deals a lot with apportioning and administering funds, because money is the lifeblood of all programming, especially in our age of economic crisis. There are so many different “pots” of money to manage but never enough to go around, so these people must make the hard decisions about who gets what when, and then fight tooth and nail to make sure it’s not taken away. That’s really what it comes down to. And the devil really is in the details, so much time and painstaking effort must be spent to make sure funding formulas and allocation schemes are exactly right with no unintended consequences.
Apart from the actual content of the meetings, I was interested to just observe how people interacted. There was always lively debate, and I learned some key things about how to be effective in meetings. You have to be assertive and speak up – if you don’t interrupt people your voice won’t get heard. You have to ask lots of questions to get all of the information, and you have to ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand the decision that has been made and what is expected of you. You also can’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” or “I’ll get back to you on that”. These are all really important things for me to take away, since lack of assertiveness is definitely a weakness of mine. I feel like I would be better at it in a setting where I was more comfortable and had a defined role, rather than this nebulous “intern” who’s kind of on the fringe. But I do definitely need to be practicing in this area…
One of the best parts of the day was when I unexpectedly got to meet the Governor as part of my shadowing! Sitting with him and the person I was shadowing as they talked made me realize that these are real people too – people who get tired after a long day and forget things sometimes. But I think that in recognizing them as real people, my respect and admiration for them only grows. Their jobs are not always as glamorous as they seem – these are “public servants” in every sense of the term who work their butts off under nearly impossible circumstances to accomplish things that they really believe in. I could feel the Governor’s passion and pent-up frustration as he addressed the press about the need for gun control, an issue close to my heart. I saw the many roadblocks that people tried their best to circumnavigate during meetings throughout the day. It’s hard work, it consumes your every waking hour, and these people do not get enough recognition for it. The public are so easily persuaded to lambaste government for everything under the sun, but few realize or appreciate how much good work is done. And whenever something is accomplished, there will always be people to condemn them for it.
So it was an exciting, interesting, and enlightening day – only further confirmation that this is what I want to do :)
Monday, April 13, 2009
Trains: A metaphor for my vocational musings
So when I’m with DJ, age almost-6, I learn so much about trains – which are the fastest, where they go, when he saw one or rode on one last, etc This weekend, however, as I rode a train from Harrisburg to Philly and back for Easter, I was thinking about a train as a metaphor for my life. Don’t laugh – it’s true.
These past few weeks as I’ve been intensely thinking through my vocation and struggling with questions of what I should do and where I should be, I’ve been impressed upon by the idea of sacrifice – some wise words by a recent Messiah grad. In life, especially post-grad, the decisions I make will ultimately involve sacrificing something – I can’t have it all. All of the people that I love will never be in one place – in fact, they’re getting more and more spread-out. So it’s this tension that I’ve been feeling – I cannot embrace one place joyfully without feeling some sense of sadness at saying goodbye to another place. And this brings it back to the train metaphor – I must always say “good-bye” before I can say “hello”, and to some degree I will always feel pulled back and forth between my different homes.
But this week I have finally felt a level of certainty about where I will be after graduation. For about the past year, I have been wanting to stay in Harrisburg, but lately have been struggling with ideas that I should go back to Philly or I should head off to DC instead. But experience has taught me that making major life decisions based on what I think I should do is not a good idea.
And really what my vocational decision comes down to is, where can I find community? That’s what is most important to me right now, and that is what I have in Harrisburg – amazing communities and amazing friends who love me and support me. I think before I was trying to resist the idea of staying in Harrisburg because I was afraid I was doing it out of fear (ironic, huh?). I didn’t want to do it just because I was afraid of leaving my communities to go somewhere else. But that’s not it at all – Harrisburg is where I belong right now. In addition to the sense of community here, I have fallen in love with this city, and I’m so excited to really invest more of my time and energy into making it better.
I don’t have a job lined up yet, but I’m not too worried (most of the time). I have lots of connections at the Capital, so if anything opens up there I will know about it. I am looking more into advocacy groups and excited about exploring the communications end of politics. And if all else fails, I think I will be pretty happy working in a coffee shop, volunteering, and just learning how to live life as a real person, not just a student. Even though things are uncertain, I just have so much peace about this, which is a really wonderful feeling.
I’ve been reading a book by Parker Palmer called “Let Your Life Speak”, and it’s all about vocation, told through his vocational journey. This is my favorite quote from him: “Vocation at its deepest level is: ‘This is something that I can’t not do, for reasons I’m unable to explain to anyone else and don’t fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.’ ” That is exactly how I feel about staying in Harrisburg – I’ve tried to explain it to people and they don’t always understand, but it’s something that I’ve just got to do. This is where I am meant to be right now. Maybe not forever, maybe for a season, but for right now – YES!
These past few weeks as I’ve been intensely thinking through my vocation and struggling with questions of what I should do and where I should be, I’ve been impressed upon by the idea of sacrifice – some wise words by a recent Messiah grad. In life, especially post-grad, the decisions I make will ultimately involve sacrificing something – I can’t have it all. All of the people that I love will never be in one place – in fact, they’re getting more and more spread-out. So it’s this tension that I’ve been feeling – I cannot embrace one place joyfully without feeling some sense of sadness at saying goodbye to another place. And this brings it back to the train metaphor – I must always say “good-bye” before I can say “hello”, and to some degree I will always feel pulled back and forth between my different homes.
But this week I have finally felt a level of certainty about where I will be after graduation. For about the past year, I have been wanting to stay in Harrisburg, but lately have been struggling with ideas that I should go back to Philly or I should head off to DC instead. But experience has taught me that making major life decisions based on what I think I should do is not a good idea.
And really what my vocational decision comes down to is, where can I find community? That’s what is most important to me right now, and that is what I have in Harrisburg – amazing communities and amazing friends who love me and support me. I think before I was trying to resist the idea of staying in Harrisburg because I was afraid I was doing it out of fear (ironic, huh?). I didn’t want to do it just because I was afraid of leaving my communities to go somewhere else. But that’s not it at all – Harrisburg is where I belong right now. In addition to the sense of community here, I have fallen in love with this city, and I’m so excited to really invest more of my time and energy into making it better.
I don’t have a job lined up yet, but I’m not too worried (most of the time). I have lots of connections at the Capital, so if anything opens up there I will know about it. I am looking more into advocacy groups and excited about exploring the communications end of politics. And if all else fails, I think I will be pretty happy working in a coffee shop, volunteering, and just learning how to live life as a real person, not just a student. Even though things are uncertain, I just have so much peace about this, which is a really wonderful feeling.
I’ve been reading a book by Parker Palmer called “Let Your Life Speak”, and it’s all about vocation, told through his vocational journey. This is my favorite quote from him: “Vocation at its deepest level is: ‘This is something that I can’t not do, for reasons I’m unable to explain to anyone else and don’t fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.’ ” That is exactly how I feel about staying in Harrisburg – I’ve tried to explain it to people and they don’t always understand, but it’s something that I’ve just got to do. This is where I am meant to be right now. Maybe not forever, maybe for a season, but for right now – YES!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Peace like a river...
I've been continuing to think a lot about my vocation this week... As I've gone through different tasks and meetings, I've been intentionally analyzing what things I enjoy and what things energize me. This week, that's not been at my internship - in fact, I've been rethinking whether I really want to work in government or politics at all. I have found a lot of excitement and purpose in my work at the Agape Center, and in things related to Harrisburg. So I don't know exactly what that means, but I am open to possibilities that I wouldn't have even considered a month ago.
And there has definitely been a shift in my perspective on vocation since my last post. At that point, I was focusing all on career and where I could find opportuntities to fulfill that. Now I am unsure about career, but more committed to place. Harrisburg is where I belong right now, and I will stay here with my people :) I guess I have shifted to valuing community over career - community is what I am sure of, while career I may not figure out for a while.
So my "plan" right now (if you can call it that) is to find an apartment in Allison Hill (in Hburg) to share with friends, and get a job at a coffee-shop or something for the summer. I feel like I'm not ready to jump into a serious job yet - I have been going and pushing myself to handle so many things for so long that I just need a break. Working somewhere, investing in relationships, getting involved in Allison Hill, reading for fun, and playing with kids sounds like just what I need :) After that, who knows...but I have a lot of peace about this.
And there has definitely been a shift in my perspective on vocation since my last post. At that point, I was focusing all on career and where I could find opportuntities to fulfill that. Now I am unsure about career, but more committed to place. Harrisburg is where I belong right now, and I will stay here with my people :) I guess I have shifted to valuing community over career - community is what I am sure of, while career I may not figure out for a while.
So my "plan" right now (if you can call it that) is to find an apartment in Allison Hill (in Hburg) to share with friends, and get a job at a coffee-shop or something for the summer. I feel like I'm not ready to jump into a serious job yet - I have been going and pushing myself to handle so many things for so long that I just need a break. Working somewhere, investing in relationships, getting involved in Allison Hill, reading for fun, and playing with kids sounds like just what I need :) After that, who knows...but I have a lot of peace about this.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
When the rug gets pulled out from under you...
This has been a huge week in terms of thinking about and struggling with my sense of vocation. On Monday I found out that the hiring freeze at the Capital is probably not going to be lifted - ever. That was a shock to my system, because ever since my last internship there two summers ago I had been planning on working there after I graduated. With this internship, it seemed like the perfect way to "test out" the job, do some networking, and then get hired at the end of it. Now that seems like a pretty slim possibility.
After being so certain about something for so long, it's been difficult for me to start thinking of other options, other things that I could do. This was my plan, this is what I wanted to do, and now I can't. For the first time, the fact that "the economy is bad" which everyone has been saying has become a reality to me. It's a terrible time to get a job!
So now, the clear path that I saw for myself is gone, and I have to be open to a new multitude of possibilities. It's ironic, because over the past year or two my friends have been trying to figure out what they want to do, and I've always felt kind of weird "having it all figured out" already. But now I am right there with them, not knowing at all where I'll be a year from now. It's disconcerting, but also comforting in some ways too - "uncertainty loves company". We're all in this boat together...
As I've been thinking about what I could do, I've had to think through my sense of vocation - What is it that I really love to do? What gets me energized? How could I best contribute to the betterment of society? In looking at different possibilities, I've had to make the distinction between what would make sense for me and what I could do well v. what I am really passionate about. That has been important for me, because I know that in making decisions I tend to rationalize, choosing what I think I "should" do rather than what I really "want" to do. What I've come back to is that I really do want to work in politics - but how and where is very unclear right now.
There are tons of opportunities in DC, yet I have been really committed to staying in Harrisburg. I love the city, and more importantly I have a great support network here from my church communities and friends in the area. I really do not want to leave that - last time I was gone I realized how much I depended on that support network. And all during this year I've been putting down roots here - investing more in my church communities and my relationships, spending a lot of time in Harrisburg, thinking about where I could live and who with. I really don't want to be uprooted from all of that.
But I'm torn, because there seems to be no future here in terms of career for me. Even if I did somehow get a job at the Capital, Rendell leaves office in Jan 2011 and a Republican Governor will be coming in. Even now, the sense at the Capital is of winding down, which is sad. Although it would be good to get experience for that short while, then what?
The more likely situation is that I won't be able to get a job at the Capital, so if I stay in Harrisburg what will I do? I might be able to get a job in the Legislature (they don't have a hiring freeze) but I don't have connections there and that's not where my passion lies - I want to work for an Administration. There are a few advocacy groups in Harrisburg that seem interesting, but I have become so jaded that I don't think I believe in advocacy anymore, so that's a problem. I could just keep interning forever, working some crap job, and hanging out. I don't know.
I'm trying not to stress out about this too much, and most of the time I'm too busy to dwell on it. I'm trying to trust God with it - I know that He has it all figured out. It's just hard not knowing what my life will look like.
After being so certain about something for so long, it's been difficult for me to start thinking of other options, other things that I could do. This was my plan, this is what I wanted to do, and now I can't. For the first time, the fact that "the economy is bad" which everyone has been saying has become a reality to me. It's a terrible time to get a job!
So now, the clear path that I saw for myself is gone, and I have to be open to a new multitude of possibilities. It's ironic, because over the past year or two my friends have been trying to figure out what they want to do, and I've always felt kind of weird "having it all figured out" already. But now I am right there with them, not knowing at all where I'll be a year from now. It's disconcerting, but also comforting in some ways too - "uncertainty loves company". We're all in this boat together...
As I've been thinking about what I could do, I've had to think through my sense of vocation - What is it that I really love to do? What gets me energized? How could I best contribute to the betterment of society? In looking at different possibilities, I've had to make the distinction between what would make sense for me and what I could do well v. what I am really passionate about. That has been important for me, because I know that in making decisions I tend to rationalize, choosing what I think I "should" do rather than what I really "want" to do. What I've come back to is that I really do want to work in politics - but how and where is very unclear right now.
There are tons of opportunities in DC, yet I have been really committed to staying in Harrisburg. I love the city, and more importantly I have a great support network here from my church communities and friends in the area. I really do not want to leave that - last time I was gone I realized how much I depended on that support network. And all during this year I've been putting down roots here - investing more in my church communities and my relationships, spending a lot of time in Harrisburg, thinking about where I could live and who with. I really don't want to be uprooted from all of that.
But I'm torn, because there seems to be no future here in terms of career for me. Even if I did somehow get a job at the Capital, Rendell leaves office in Jan 2011 and a Republican Governor will be coming in. Even now, the sense at the Capital is of winding down, which is sad. Although it would be good to get experience for that short while, then what?
The more likely situation is that I won't be able to get a job at the Capital, so if I stay in Harrisburg what will I do? I might be able to get a job in the Legislature (they don't have a hiring freeze) but I don't have connections there and that's not where my passion lies - I want to work for an Administration. There are a few advocacy groups in Harrisburg that seem interesting, but I have become so jaded that I don't think I believe in advocacy anymore, so that's a problem. I could just keep interning forever, working some crap job, and hanging out. I don't know.
I'm trying not to stress out about this too much, and most of the time I'm too busy to dwell on it. I'm trying to trust God with it - I know that He has it all figured out. It's just hard not knowing what my life will look like.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
On the nature of government and bureaucracy...
So tonight was the SGA Budget Meeting - which every semester never fails to get me riled up and energized to change things. (Odd, I know...) My frustrations with how SGA functions are three-fold:
1) It’s not really a democracy – it’s oligarchy. Most people there are uninformed or don’t care. Those who have the knowledge and power can make proposals, judgments, and arguments with little questioning. They can also cut off discussion to move to a vote without the consent of a majority. That’s not right. That makes me mad. The point of Forum is to thoroughly discuss proposals that come to us and make decisions for the good of all. But that cannot happen when people do not fully understand the proposal, or opinions are stifled.
2) Unless an organization is present to represent their interests, knowledgeable about how things work, and willing to voice their opinions, they can very easily get screwed over. You have to be there, and you have to understand how to “work the system” in order to protect yourself - because no one else will.
3) Finally, the rules/precedent/way of doing things is so entrenched that it is very difficult to change. The Finance & Organizations Committee makes up their own rules or interprets the rules to their liking. And for the sake of “consistency” there can never be any exceptions or flexibility – it is always set in stone.
However, the paradox for me in all of this is this: while I try my best to “fight the system” in Forum, I am also part of “the system” in my role as Director of Outreach. I have the power to deny requests for programming or funding. And as much as I decry the rules of SGA, I find myself enforcing my own rules when it comes to Outreach. I too can be inflexible – even if people are doing a good thing, if it doesn’t fit with our criteria or policy, I can’t approve it. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong – or just a virtue of being in a position where I have to make choices about what programming and funding to do and what not to do. But it feels like being part of any organization inevitably breeds this bureaucratic mindset that it narrowly focused on that organization’s goals and precedent and criteria, and cannot see other perspectives or flex at all. It’s certainly necessary to have standards for making decisions, but do we take it too far? I don’t know… It’s just interesting to see it from both sides...
1) It’s not really a democracy – it’s oligarchy. Most people there are uninformed or don’t care. Those who have the knowledge and power can make proposals, judgments, and arguments with little questioning. They can also cut off discussion to move to a vote without the consent of a majority. That’s not right. That makes me mad. The point of Forum is to thoroughly discuss proposals that come to us and make decisions for the good of all. But that cannot happen when people do not fully understand the proposal, or opinions are stifled.
2) Unless an organization is present to represent their interests, knowledgeable about how things work, and willing to voice their opinions, they can very easily get screwed over. You have to be there, and you have to understand how to “work the system” in order to protect yourself - because no one else will.
3) Finally, the rules/precedent/way of doing things is so entrenched that it is very difficult to change. The Finance & Organizations Committee makes up their own rules or interprets the rules to their liking. And for the sake of “consistency” there can never be any exceptions or flexibility – it is always set in stone.
However, the paradox for me in all of this is this: while I try my best to “fight the system” in Forum, I am also part of “the system” in my role as Director of Outreach. I have the power to deny requests for programming or funding. And as much as I decry the rules of SGA, I find myself enforcing my own rules when it comes to Outreach. I too can be inflexible – even if people are doing a good thing, if it doesn’t fit with our criteria or policy, I can’t approve it. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong – or just a virtue of being in a position where I have to make choices about what programming and funding to do and what not to do. But it feels like being part of any organization inevitably breeds this bureaucratic mindset that it narrowly focused on that organization’s goals and precedent and criteria, and cannot see other perspectives or flex at all. It’s certainly necessary to have standards for making decisions, but do we take it too far? I don’t know… It’s just interesting to see it from both sides...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Something's gotta give...
The first week of my last semester is almost done. Finally. It's been a rough week - which does not bode well for the rest of the semester. I'm listening to Avril right now, if that gives you a clue...
Classes really aren't bad, although I wish I didn't have to take them. But my time feels so much more constricted doing both an internship and my job at the Agape Center. Although I love my internship, having 2 entire days blocked out of my schedule makes me panic a little - it seems like I have so much less time than last semester. And I have all these great ideas for what I want to do with Outreach, but I don't feel like I have the time or energy to do everything I want to.
Tuesday night I was really overwhelmed - I had the realization that I can't do everything. Why is it my tendency to keep barreling ahead even when it's too much? I guess I can't stand feeling like I've failed or disappointed anyone. I have such high standards for myself and want to do so much...which makes it so hard to say no to things or back off from responsibilities. It took my amazing housemates telling me that it's ok not to do house programming stuff if I need to just take care of myself and stay sane. I am more important than programming - there's a novel idea.
I think a lot of what's stressed me out too is the fact that I've been out of my house since early in the morning til late at night every day this week. By the time I come home I'm exhausted and some of my housemates are already going to bed. With the start of the new semester all of our schedules are suddenly whacked out - we're never home at the same times, and it's really frustrating. With internships and classes and stuff there's nothing we can really do about it, but I don't like it - I need to be with them to stay sane. I need to be home...
Everything just seems so much harder this semester. It's harder to get motivated for classes. It's harder to spend time with my friends. It's harder to do the stuff I want to for Outreach. It's just hard.
Classes really aren't bad, although I wish I didn't have to take them. But my time feels so much more constricted doing both an internship and my job at the Agape Center. Although I love my internship, having 2 entire days blocked out of my schedule makes me panic a little - it seems like I have so much less time than last semester. And I have all these great ideas for what I want to do with Outreach, but I don't feel like I have the time or energy to do everything I want to.
Tuesday night I was really overwhelmed - I had the realization that I can't do everything. Why is it my tendency to keep barreling ahead even when it's too much? I guess I can't stand feeling like I've failed or disappointed anyone. I have such high standards for myself and want to do so much...which makes it so hard to say no to things or back off from responsibilities. It took my amazing housemates telling me that it's ok not to do house programming stuff if I need to just take care of myself and stay sane. I am more important than programming - there's a novel idea.
I think a lot of what's stressed me out too is the fact that I've been out of my house since early in the morning til late at night every day this week. By the time I come home I'm exhausted and some of my housemates are already going to bed. With the start of the new semester all of our schedules are suddenly whacked out - we're never home at the same times, and it's really frustrating. With internships and classes and stuff there's nothing we can really do about it, but I don't like it - I need to be with them to stay sane. I need to be home...
Everything just seems so much harder this semester. It's harder to get motivated for classes. It's harder to spend time with my friends. It's harder to do the stuff I want to for Outreach. It's just hard.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
On the nature of busyness...and coping mechanisms
Lately I've been contemplating the nature of busyness in my life - mostly because I'm always busy but don't want to be. Last semester was very full, finals week was brutal, Christmas break was spent running around all the time and not resting, and then I had to jump right back into things for J-term. It's left me feeling constantly exhausted with no end in sight, and questioning how and why I got here.
I remember a conversation I had with one of my housemates over break. When I was describing all of the stuff I was doing she said, "Wow Amanda, you run on busyness." That made me think, and it's true - although I hate being so busy all the time, at the same time I thrive on it in a way. I get a rush from running around and getting things done and feeling accomplished. I like proving to myself and to other people what I can do.
But lately my busyness hasn't given me those kinds of feelings - instead it's made me feel burnt-out. And yet it's really hard for me to stop and truly rest. There's this incessant drive inside me to be productive, and resting when I have so much to do seems counterintuitive. Ceasing production and "wasting time" is hard for me, but I do recognize that I desperately need time to stop in order to renew myself. Already this J-term I've been running short on sleep, consistently forget about lunch, and don't have time to invest with people like I want to. This is not how I want to live. But I don't know what I can do differently...for now I just have to keep plugging away.
I've also been thinking about how busyness functions for me. I think in a way it can be an escape mechanism for me - when I don't want to think about or deal with things that are difficult or painful, it's really easy to let myself go do a bunch of stuff and use busyness as an excuse for not dealing with it. Perhaps that's what I'm doing right now... I keep saying "I can't deal with it right now, I have too much to do." But is it really that I don't want to deal with it right now?
I find that in general I tend to deal with problems by escaping or ignoring or denying them until I can't anymore. With something as simple as homework, I would escape the reality of needing to do it by watching movies, and I would pretend that I didn't have homework (because if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?). I've realized recently that I apply this to more serious problems - I just try not to think about them or pretend that they don't exist. That can't be a healthy way of dealing with them, but I suppose recognizing that those are my coping mechanisms is a good start?
I seem to be learning a lot about myself lately, I'm not sure why. But one more revelation I had today, related to my last post on vulnerability. When I was talking to my brother, I realized how much easier it is for me to be there for him and listen to what he's dealing with than to share anything meaningful about myself. I'm a good listener, but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to really open up to people with my struggles. This is something that I need to keep working on...
I remember a conversation I had with one of my housemates over break. When I was describing all of the stuff I was doing she said, "Wow Amanda, you run on busyness." That made me think, and it's true - although I hate being so busy all the time, at the same time I thrive on it in a way. I get a rush from running around and getting things done and feeling accomplished. I like proving to myself and to other people what I can do.
But lately my busyness hasn't given me those kinds of feelings - instead it's made me feel burnt-out. And yet it's really hard for me to stop and truly rest. There's this incessant drive inside me to be productive, and resting when I have so much to do seems counterintuitive. Ceasing production and "wasting time" is hard for me, but I do recognize that I desperately need time to stop in order to renew myself. Already this J-term I've been running short on sleep, consistently forget about lunch, and don't have time to invest with people like I want to. This is not how I want to live. But I don't know what I can do differently...for now I just have to keep plugging away.
I've also been thinking about how busyness functions for me. I think in a way it can be an escape mechanism for me - when I don't want to think about or deal with things that are difficult or painful, it's really easy to let myself go do a bunch of stuff and use busyness as an excuse for not dealing with it. Perhaps that's what I'm doing right now... I keep saying "I can't deal with it right now, I have too much to do." But is it really that I don't want to deal with it right now?
I find that in general I tend to deal with problems by escaping or ignoring or denying them until I can't anymore. With something as simple as homework, I would escape the reality of needing to do it by watching movies, and I would pretend that I didn't have homework (because if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?). I've realized recently that I apply this to more serious problems - I just try not to think about them or pretend that they don't exist. That can't be a healthy way of dealing with them, but I suppose recognizing that those are my coping mechanisms is a good start?
I seem to be learning a lot about myself lately, I'm not sure why. But one more revelation I had today, related to my last post on vulnerability. When I was talking to my brother, I realized how much easier it is for me to be there for him and listen to what he's dealing with than to share anything meaningful about myself. I'm a good listener, but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to really open up to people with my struggles. This is something that I need to keep working on...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
On vulnerability and sharing burdens...
Lately the song for my journey has been "Lean on Me" (The Temptations):
Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long'
Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
This song symbolizes a process I've been going through lately. It started when I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to do differently. One of the things was learning how to be more vulnerable with people. I had noticed that last semester that I had difficulty sharing my deepest struggles, and tried to think through why. I think part of it is shame - I'm embarassed about some of the struggles I have and don't want to admit them to other people. I also feel like I have this drive ingrained in me to be self-sufficient and independant, and so I like to think that I can handle everything myself - and I like for it to appear like that to others. It's hard to admit that I need help... And most of all, I don't like bringing people down - I think what it comes down to is that I don't like burdening people with my problems. I find myself laughing off things that really are serious, and saying they're ok when they're really not. I don't want people to spend time worrying about me or feeling sad or upset for me.
However, there come certain points where the burden is too much to bear alone - and that's a point I reached this week. I had been carrying it around with me and it just made me so upset, but when I did finally share it, when I was truly vulnerable with my house-mates, I felt so much better! I had been cold and shaking and sick to my stomach, but afterwards I felt warm and steady and hungry! Those were the outward signs of an inward shift - there were 5 people carrying this burden now rather than just one. And that made all the difference...
I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing house-mates, who truly are shoulders to lean on - whenever I have the courage to share how much I need them.
Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long'
Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
This song symbolizes a process I've been going through lately. It started when I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to do differently. One of the things was learning how to be more vulnerable with people. I had noticed that last semester that I had difficulty sharing my deepest struggles, and tried to think through why. I think part of it is shame - I'm embarassed about some of the struggles I have and don't want to admit them to other people. I also feel like I have this drive ingrained in me to be self-sufficient and independant, and so I like to think that I can handle everything myself - and I like for it to appear like that to others. It's hard to admit that I need help... And most of all, I don't like bringing people down - I think what it comes down to is that I don't like burdening people with my problems. I find myself laughing off things that really are serious, and saying they're ok when they're really not. I don't want people to spend time worrying about me or feeling sad or upset for me.
However, there come certain points where the burden is too much to bear alone - and that's a point I reached this week. I had been carrying it around with me and it just made me so upset, but when I did finally share it, when I was truly vulnerable with my house-mates, I felt so much better! I had been cold and shaking and sick to my stomach, but afterwards I felt warm and steady and hungry! Those were the outward signs of an inward shift - there were 5 people carrying this burden now rather than just one. And that made all the difference...
I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing house-mates, who truly are shoulders to lean on - whenever I have the courage to share how much I need them.
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