My "Blind Side"

I just saw "The Blind Side", and it blew me away. I'm always very impacted by movies and stories, but this one was particularly meaningful because it was a true story. It was inspiring, but real. It wasn't a perfect story, but it was a hopeful story. It showcased one success story, but didn't pretend that this wasn't the exception instead of the rule. It was solid. It was sassy. It was gritty. It was funny. It was REAL. And I think that's what I appreciated most about it.

Now I am filled with so many emotions. Joy - for the success of this young man and his new family. Sadness - for all those who won't have the same chances, and whose lives will be cut short. And more than anything else, it leaves me with an overwhelming sense of wanting to do and be more. What would it look like for me to practice radical hospitality like this family did? What kind of community could I be a part of where this would not only be possible but supported?

I'm in this place where I am constantly wanting to do more in so many ways, but feel limited by my current commitments. I deeply value the things that I am doing now, but it often seems so small and insignificant. At times like this my heart just cries out - to do something bigger and more meaningful. How do I become part of this neighborhood and really invest here? How do I practice radical community living? What do I do with my dream of buying and rehabbing a house? How can I learn more, grow more? How do I fulfill this cry of my heart?

Being confronted by my own inadequacies is hard when I'm so full of passion. But passion isn't enough. Change takes commitment and perseverance, time and energy. Although I know I fall short in so many ways, I take some comfort in a quote that's painted on the fence around the Allison Hill mural. It says: "Courage doesn't always roar - sometimes it's the quiet voice that says 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Give me that kind of courage, God. Amen.

What's next?

That's the question that's been on my mind this week. People tell me that I'm good at living in the present and not worrying too much about the future. And that's been true until recently, when I've been forced to think about what's next for me.

It's funny because in some ways I feel like I'm right back where I was at this time last year - trying to figure out what to do after May when I leave Messiah. In a lot of ways, though, it is an entirely different situation. I have learned and grown a lot in this first year out of college, and some things have been established that will not change. I am committed to my community here, my neighborhood on Allison Hill, and the city of Harrisburg for the foreseeable future - rooted to a sense of people and place.

Yet my sense of vocation is still very-much ambiguous. If anything, it has broadened in the last year even while I have gained more specific experience. And at this juncture, it is almost harder to discern. Last spring I had some very specific ideas about what I wanted to do, none of which I actually ended up doing. Now, I have developed a good sense of my passions and skills more broadly, but am quite unclear how that will translate into actual jobs that are available.

All I know is this. I want to fight injustices however I can, and have a particular passion for racism, poverty, education, healthcare, and urban issues. I possess the gifts of leadership, administration, and teaching. I love being an educator and communicator to challenge, inform, and persuade people. I love being an administrator and program manager, assessing and improving programs and organizing people and resources around a particular goal. Too often these types of roles are divorced from eachother, but I want to bring them together to change people AND change policies. I want to bring stake-holders together to work on solutions, and teach and empower people to make things happen.

Basically, I want the best of both worlds. Maybe it's too much to ask, and I don't know what it would look like, but that is where I am. It's a confusing place to be, and I wish there were more clarity and direction. I don't know where I'm going...but I guess I'll know when I get there.

One of the songs on my playlist right now is "Dreams" by The Cranberries:

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...
La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.