There are three things I’ve been preoccupied with during the last three days: my family, my “stuff”, and the weather. To make a little more sense, I’ve been home with my family sorting through a bunch of stuff in preparation for a flea market today which was decidedly impacted by the weather (refer to previous post).
The “stuff” part has actually been a lot of fun – oddly perhaps, I find that I get immense satisfaction out of sorting and organizing things, and was happily occupied with this for many hours. And I was positively gleeful when I got rid of a bunch of it – like Thoreau, I had felt burdened by the “tyranny of things”. Having so much stuff is stressful, since I don’t have room for it or use for it, and must exert so much effort to organize it and get rid of it. As he put it, then we do not own our things – they own us. So I felt a freedom of ridding myself of things that I no longer needed – I long to live simply and not feel burdened by so much “stuff”.
The family part has been not quite so fun – what is it about family that brings out the best and the absolute worst in people? At least, that seems to be true for me. We can have so much fun together and share great conversations, yet it takes so little to spark an argument that can easily degenerate into a yelling match. In general I consider myself a fairly decent and kind human being, but when I’m with my family I can be a real jerk and downright mean. I hate when I become that person, and I hate that it takes so little for her to emerge.
It’s sad, really, that family seems to bring out the ugly side of our human nature – because these are the very people who love us the most and have given us the most in life (at least, that’s true for me). The older I get and the more I interact with young kids and their parents, the better I understand the strain of parenthood – the constant demands upon your time and energy and patience, the choices you must make every minute, the many sacrifices, and the sometimes little thanks in return. All of this is done out of love and it is truly an amazing thing – something that I am only really beginning to appreciate in my own parents. Yes they are imperfect, yes they’ve made mistakes, yes they’ve passed on some dysfunctional patterns, but they deserve more from me than the tolerance, condescension, and snappishness that so often characterizes my interactions with them. Why is it that family are often the hardest people to love? Maybe because that is the one place where nothing is glossed over, and we see eachother’s imperfections most clearly…
Reflecting on all of the time I spent with my “stuff” and with my family, I had a lightbulb moment. While my enjoyment for sorting stuff and my frustration with interacting with my family both have definitely roots in my personality and history, they also speak to a fundamental truth about myself – I harbor a need to control. Part of why I love sorting stuff is that I exert ultimate control over it. I can put it in different piles and boxes, organize it by topic or author, and make it do anything I like. I can single-handedly transform great disorder into perfect order, and that gives me a heady feeling. I can’t do any of that with my parents or my brother – in fact, the more I attempt to mold their attitudes and actions into what I want, the more they resist it. I have no control over what they think or say or do, and when I try to make them conform to my timetable or my agenda it is usually in vain. I think the fact that I cannot control them is the source of some of my frustration – bringing a feeling of helplessness rather than power. And the rain today at the most inopportune times seemed to me to be a polite reminder from our Creator that despite our attempts and successes at controlling almost every aspect of our lives, we cannot control the weather – that’s completely up to God.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
A Very Long Day
Starting a 6:30 this morning, my day was spent hauling stuff back and forth to not one, but two flea markets! This is how it went down…
Put stuff in the car. Drive to Oxford Circle. Unload. Organize. Drive home. Load up car. Drive to Oak Lane. Drive home. Repeat process. Go back to Oxford Circle. Frantically load up amidst pouring rain. Groan at wet stuff piled haphazardly in the car. Drive home. Collapse. Change out of wet clothes. Devour pizza. Drag wet stuff out of car. Drive to Oak Lane. Load up. Drive home. Repeat process.
Finished at 6 in the evening. Exhausted.
It could be considered a bad day in many ways. It was a heck of a lot of running around. We got very wet and our stuff got wet. And after all of that time and effort, we made $17.65 at one flea market and $30 at the other one. Was it worth all of the family tensions and fights that resulted throughout the day?
Leave it to Beaver or some such show would conclude this episode with something like: “Well, we are tired and wet and still have a bunch of stuff, but we learned that when we work together as a family we can get stuff done and have fun!” The Arbours aren’t the Cleavers, and it’s not that easy. But we can laugh about it together, and for us that is enough.
Put stuff in the car. Drive to Oxford Circle. Unload. Organize. Drive home. Load up car. Drive to Oak Lane. Drive home. Repeat process. Go back to Oxford Circle. Frantically load up amidst pouring rain. Groan at wet stuff piled haphazardly in the car. Drive home. Collapse. Change out of wet clothes. Devour pizza. Drag wet stuff out of car. Drive to Oak Lane. Load up. Drive home. Repeat process.
Finished at 6 in the evening. Exhausted.
It could be considered a bad day in many ways. It was a heck of a lot of running around. We got very wet and our stuff got wet. And after all of that time and effort, we made $17.65 at one flea market and $30 at the other one. Was it worth all of the family tensions and fights that resulted throughout the day?
Leave it to Beaver or some such show would conclude this episode with something like: “Well, we are tired and wet and still have a bunch of stuff, but we learned that when we work together as a family we can get stuff done and have fun!” The Arbours aren’t the Cleavers, and it’s not that easy. But we can laugh about it together, and for us that is enough.
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Gift of Time: Creating a new lifestyle...
I am loving living in Harrisburg as an unemployed alum right now :) What excites me most is all of the time I suddenly have, and the freedom of choosing what to do with it. For the last 4 years I have been so accustomed to my schedule being dictated by my many responsibilities, so now I am thinking carefully about how I want to use this time that is now available to me. I know that my schedule will not always be so free, but how can I intentionally invest the time that I have to truly reflect the values that I hold dear? As a student I so often felt that my schedule and my values were in a tug-of-war, with a lot of my time being spent on what I had to do and not what I wanted to do.
Making lists is helpful to me, and so here's how I would like to translate my values into my new "Post-Grad Lifestyle":
Cultivate my relationship with God.
1. Be faithful in morning quiet time.
2. Practice prayer as a spiritual discipline.
Cultivate relationships with people.
3. Keep in touch better with friends who are far away.
4. Practice hospitality to those who are near.
Invest in the communities that I am a part of.
5. Find ways to use my gifts in my church communities.
6. Find ways to get involved in the Allison Hill community.
Engage with the broader world.
7. Keep up with the news!
Take care of myself.
8. Get enough sleep :)
9. Make time for rest.
10. Read for fun!
I am working on many of them already, but please hold me to them and give me ideas for things to add to this list!
Making lists is helpful to me, and so here's how I would like to translate my values into my new "Post-Grad Lifestyle":
Cultivate my relationship with God.
1. Be faithful in morning quiet time.
2. Practice prayer as a spiritual discipline.
Cultivate relationships with people.
3. Keep in touch better with friends who are far away.
4. Practice hospitality to those who are near.
Invest in the communities that I am a part of.
5. Find ways to use my gifts in my church communities.
6. Find ways to get involved in the Allison Hill community.
Engage with the broader world.
7. Keep up with the news!
Take care of myself.
8. Get enough sleep :)
9. Make time for rest.
10. Read for fun!
I am working on many of them already, but please hold me to them and give me ideas for things to add to this list!
Transitioning to Post-Grad Life: A Tale of Three Weekends
The past several weeks have been full of transition, and as I look back each weekend marks some sort of a turning point in my life. So let me describe my post-grad life through these key moments...
Weekend #1: Commencement
As an event that I had been looking forward to as the long-awaited end-point of my undergraduate career, it felt very surreal. The formalities and pomp and circumstance marking this milestone somehow felt unreal - like I had already completed my work and earned my degree, and this official recognition was anti-climatic. Everyone was making such a big deal about it, yet to me it was just the logical next step - graduation was what came after you finished school, and then "real life" started. It was that next step that I was itching to get to - "commencement" after all means "beginning" and I was ready to start something new. Despite the sadness of saying goodbyes, I did not dread the future like some of my peers - I was ready to take the next step.
Weekend #2: Philly
After graduation I went home to Philly, and the next weekend was jam-packed with people, as I went from my graduation party to hanging out with friends to church Sunday morning to lunch with friends to a different church in the evening! As an introvert that constant interaction drains me, but it was more than just being peopled-out - I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions. I felt caught between this overwhelming love and gratitude for these people and communities who have played significant roles in my life, and yet this distinct sense that I didn't belong there anymore. I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive - I can deeply appreciate the role that they have played at important junctures in my life while still knowing that it is time for me to move on. I know that these will always be places that I can come back to and be welcomed with open arms, but leaving this time had a certain feeling of finality to it. However, going through this process of letting go of Philly to a certain degree was healthy and necessary as I prepared to move on.
Weekend #3: Harrisburg!
This past weekend I moved into my new apartment in Harrisburg, something that I had been looking forward to for a long time. The weather was perfect, friends came to help, and it just felt so right. After constantly commuting to Hburg for church and volunteering and visiting friends, I was finally HERE and everything felt so close! And I was so excited to be living in the Allison Hill neighborhood, which I have come to know and love during my years at Messiah, and where I am committed to being involved however I can.
So that is where I am now - and so thankful to God for placing me here for however long He wills!
Weekend #1: Commencement
As an event that I had been looking forward to as the long-awaited end-point of my undergraduate career, it felt very surreal. The formalities and pomp and circumstance marking this milestone somehow felt unreal - like I had already completed my work and earned my degree, and this official recognition was anti-climatic. Everyone was making such a big deal about it, yet to me it was just the logical next step - graduation was what came after you finished school, and then "real life" started. It was that next step that I was itching to get to - "commencement" after all means "beginning" and I was ready to start something new. Despite the sadness of saying goodbyes, I did not dread the future like some of my peers - I was ready to take the next step.
Weekend #2: Philly
After graduation I went home to Philly, and the next weekend was jam-packed with people, as I went from my graduation party to hanging out with friends to church Sunday morning to lunch with friends to a different church in the evening! As an introvert that constant interaction drains me, but it was more than just being peopled-out - I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions. I felt caught between this overwhelming love and gratitude for these people and communities who have played significant roles in my life, and yet this distinct sense that I didn't belong there anymore. I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive - I can deeply appreciate the role that they have played at important junctures in my life while still knowing that it is time for me to move on. I know that these will always be places that I can come back to and be welcomed with open arms, but leaving this time had a certain feeling of finality to it. However, going through this process of letting go of Philly to a certain degree was healthy and necessary as I prepared to move on.
Weekend #3: Harrisburg!
This past weekend I moved into my new apartment in Harrisburg, something that I had been looking forward to for a long time. The weather was perfect, friends came to help, and it just felt so right. After constantly commuting to Hburg for church and volunteering and visiting friends, I was finally HERE and everything felt so close! And I was so excited to be living in the Allison Hill neighborhood, which I have come to know and love during my years at Messiah, and where I am committed to being involved however I can.
So that is where I am now - and so thankful to God for placing me here for however long He wills!
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