So when I’m with DJ, age almost-6, I learn so much about trains – which are the fastest, where they go, when he saw one or rode on one last, etc This weekend, however, as I rode a train from Harrisburg to Philly and back for Easter, I was thinking about a train as a metaphor for my life. Don’t laugh – it’s true.
These past few weeks as I’ve been intensely thinking through my vocation and struggling with questions of what I should do and where I should be, I’ve been impressed upon by the idea of sacrifice – some wise words by a recent Messiah grad. In life, especially post-grad, the decisions I make will ultimately involve sacrificing something – I can’t have it all. All of the people that I love will never be in one place – in fact, they’re getting more and more spread-out. So it’s this tension that I’ve been feeling – I cannot embrace one place joyfully without feeling some sense of sadness at saying goodbye to another place. And this brings it back to the train metaphor – I must always say “good-bye” before I can say “hello”, and to some degree I will always feel pulled back and forth between my different homes.
But this week I have finally felt a level of certainty about where I will be after graduation. For about the past year, I have been wanting to stay in Harrisburg, but lately have been struggling with ideas that I should go back to Philly or I should head off to DC instead. But experience has taught me that making major life decisions based on what I think I should do is not a good idea.
And really what my vocational decision comes down to is, where can I find community? That’s what is most important to me right now, and that is what I have in Harrisburg – amazing communities and amazing friends who love me and support me. I think before I was trying to resist the idea of staying in Harrisburg because I was afraid I was doing it out of fear (ironic, huh?). I didn’t want to do it just because I was afraid of leaving my communities to go somewhere else. But that’s not it at all – Harrisburg is where I belong right now. In addition to the sense of community here, I have fallen in love with this city, and I’m so excited to really invest more of my time and energy into making it better.
I don’t have a job lined up yet, but I’m not too worried (most of the time). I have lots of connections at the Capital, so if anything opens up there I will know about it. I am looking more into advocacy groups and excited about exploring the communications end of politics. And if all else fails, I think I will be pretty happy working in a coffee shop, volunteering, and just learning how to live life as a real person, not just a student. Even though things are uncertain, I just have so much peace about this, which is a really wonderful feeling.
I’ve been reading a book by Parker Palmer called “Let Your Life Speak”, and it’s all about vocation, told through his vocational journey. This is my favorite quote from him: “Vocation at its deepest level is: ‘This is something that I can’t not do, for reasons I’m unable to explain to anyone else and don’t fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.’ ” That is exactly how I feel about staying in Harrisburg – I’ve tried to explain it to people and they don’t always understand, but it’s something that I’ve just got to do. This is where I am meant to be right now. Maybe not forever, maybe for a season, but for right now – YES!
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