I am a control freak. I think I've always known this, but yesterday's sermon on "Confessions of a Control Freak" really hit home for me. I want to have some semblence of control over the important things in my life - a very human thing, to be sure. But I spend a lot of energy trying to get or maintain that feeling of control, and end up creating a lot of anxiety for myself. I hate the feeling of everything spinning out of control, being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do - and my tendency is to do everything in my power to fight against that.
But the truth is, I'm not in control. Let me repeat that, for myself: I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I can't control whether work will be slow or crazy or exhausting. I can't control the relationships in my life or my family. I can't control schedules (mine or other people's). I can't even control my moods or how I'm feeling most of the time.
It's a scary thing to admit this, but recognizing that we're not in control gives us a choice. Do I cling tightly, trying to make things go the way I want by sheer force of will? Or do I hold everything with open hands, releasing my compulsion to control and resting in the knowledge that there is One who loves me who is guiding each piece of my life and the lives of those around me? Clinging is the natural response, but trying to hold onto something that isn't ours to start with only creates frustration. But there is a freedom in letting go - we no longer allow the need to control control us. Rather, in offering back up to God all of the pieces of our lives, we trust that God is in control - and we don't have to be.
As I recognize my attempts at controlling as really a lack of trust, I must daily (hourly, minutely!) lay them down. My prayer is that I may grow and find freedom in a new kind of trust, by the grace of God.
"No Sacrifice"
Jason Upton
To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to
To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life
To you I give my future
As long as it may last
To you I give my present
To you I give my past
Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life
