On the nature of busyness...and coping mechanisms

Lately I've been contemplating the nature of busyness in my life - mostly because I'm always busy but don't want to be. Last semester was very full, finals week was brutal, Christmas break was spent running around all the time and not resting, and then I had to jump right back into things for J-term. It's left me feeling constantly exhausted with no end in sight, and questioning how and why I got here.

I remember a conversation I had with one of my housemates over break. When I was describing all of the stuff I was doing she said, "Wow Amanda, you run on busyness." That made me think, and it's true - although I hate being so busy all the time, at the same time I thrive on it in a way. I get a rush from running around and getting things done and feeling accomplished. I like proving to myself and to other people what I can do.

But lately my busyness hasn't given me those kinds of feelings - instead it's made me feel burnt-out. And yet it's really hard for me to stop and truly rest. There's this incessant drive inside me to be productive, and resting when I have so much to do seems counterintuitive. Ceasing production and "wasting time" is hard for me, but I do recognize that I desperately need time to stop in order to renew myself. Already this J-term I've been running short on sleep, consistently forget about lunch, and don't have time to invest with people like I want to. This is not how I want to live. But I don't know what I can do differently...for now I just have to keep plugging away.

I've also been thinking about how busyness functions for me. I think in a way it can be an escape mechanism for me - when I don't want to think about or deal with things that are difficult or painful, it's really easy to let myself go do a bunch of stuff and use busyness as an excuse for not dealing with it. Perhaps that's what I'm doing right now... I keep saying "I can't deal with it right now, I have too much to do." But is it really that I don't want to deal with it right now?

I find that in general I tend to deal with problems by escaping or ignoring or denying them until I can't anymore. With something as simple as homework, I would escape the reality of needing to do it by watching movies, and I would pretend that I didn't have homework (because if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?). I've realized recently that I apply this to more serious problems - I just try not to think about them or pretend that they don't exist. That can't be a healthy way of dealing with them, but I suppose recognizing that those are my coping mechanisms is a good start?

I seem to be learning a lot about myself lately, I'm not sure why. But one more revelation I had today, related to my last post on vulnerability. When I was talking to my brother, I realized how much easier it is for me to be there for him and listen to what he's dealing with than to share anything meaningful about myself. I'm a good listener, but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to really open up to people with my struggles. This is something that I need to keep working on...

On vulnerability and sharing burdens...

Lately the song for my journey has been "Lean on Me" (The Temptations):

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long'
Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

This song symbolizes a process I've been going through lately. It started when I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to do differently. One of the things was learning how to be more vulnerable with people. I had noticed that last semester that I had difficulty sharing my deepest struggles, and tried to think through why. I think part of it is shame - I'm embarassed about some of the struggles I have and don't want to admit them to other people. I also feel like I have this drive ingrained in me to be self-sufficient and independant, and so I like to think that I can handle everything myself - and I like for it to appear like that to others. It's hard to admit that I need help... And most of all, I don't like bringing people down - I think what it comes down to is that I don't like burdening people with my problems. I find myself laughing off things that really are serious, and saying they're ok when they're really not. I don't want people to spend time worrying about me or feeling sad or upset for me.

However, there come certain points where the burden is too much to bear alone - and that's a point I reached this week. I had been carrying it around with me and it just made me so upset, but when I did finally share it, when I was truly vulnerable with my house-mates, I felt so much better! I had been cold and shaking and sick to my stomach, but afterwards I felt warm and steady and hungry! Those were the outward signs of an inward shift - there were 5 people carrying this burden now rather than just one. And that made all the difference...

I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing house-mates, who truly are shoulders to lean on - whenever I have the courage to share how much I need them.