Good Alone.

Curled up in a chair with the sun streaming through the window, for the first time in a while I recognized and appreciated the gift of silence and solitude. As good as I know this is for me, most of the time I expend a lot of energy avoiding being quiet and being alone. I try to fill my life with people, tasks, noise - afraid to pause for fear that I will encounter my deepest insecurities. I have distorted aloneness to symbolize rejection, believing that when I am alone I am not cared for, I am unloved - and thus, I avoid it at all costs.

Yet Henri Nowen speaks truth into this, saying that we are all alone - no one experiences life as we do, and that is the human condition. But we have a choice - we can experience that reality as a wound, as a deep and destructive loneliness, or we can allow God to transform it into a holy and healing solitude. In this solitude, God creates the quiet center within us that we so desperately need, and fills us with Peace and Love. We have to be open to this, though, and create the space in our lives and hearts to allow it to happen. 

I am guilty of not doing this very well. Too often, I try to make myself feel fulfilled by spending time with people, working on projects and tasks, or planning exciting things. While all of these are important, when people aren't around or projects fall through or I tire of planning, I am left feeling empty again. Then my tendency is to go to the other extreme, of escaping the pain through someone else's reality on a TV show or the comfort of sleeping and making it all go away. Neither of these responses leave space for God, though, or invite God to fill my emptiness and make me whole again.

So I cherish mornings like this, when I am not trying to fill my life with busyness or escape it with distractions. I choose to be alone, to be with God, and it is good. That is true solitude. And I am grateful for evenings like last night, when spending a Friday night alone did not cause dread but rather enjoyment - getting in tune with myself and what I want to do, and finding rest, joy and purpose in giving myself a home "spa" treatment, researching vacation spots, cleaning the house and putting my room in order.

As I have more moments like this lately - experiencing aloneness as a space where my best self can emerge, rather than being crippled by my worst insecurities - I have hope that God is not finished with me yet, and that I will continue to learn what it means to be good alone.