It is finished: Reflecting on my four years at Messiah

I graduated from Messiah College last Saturday. It still doesn't quite feel real to me, and my feelings about what it means to be a graduate will probably be the subject of another blog post. But I wanted to pause for a moment to reflect back on my four years at Messiah. It would be easy to throw myself into the many things that can occupy my time here at home, but important milestones cannot have meaning without taking time to reflect back on them. So here goes...

As I think back over my four years at Messiah, the person I was when I entered college is so different from who I am now as a graduate. My first two years set the foundation for learning and developing intellectually, as I was confronted with many new ideas inside and outside of class. Professors and peers challenged me with very different theological and political views, and I was forced to reevaluate much of what I had been taught. What did I really believe? This process of deconstructing my belief system was difficult, yet so crucial to who I am today.

Junior year I set off to explore – first going to Philadelphia, then Strasbourg, France. Both of these semesters were challenging and rewarding in very different ways. In Philly I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of the global injustices I was learning about. How could I as an individual affect change in the world? In France I felt isolated from people with compatible values and lifestyles. Where could I find true life-sustaining community to support me?

It was at this point that I connected with a special group of girls. Wrestling with similar questions, we decided to explore the answers together. We came to the realization that we can make a difference by raising awareness and involving ourselves and others in local action. And we can experience community by living together intentionally. Thus, the “SoJo” satellite house for social justice was born. Living in this house as a senior was a fitting culmination of my time at Messiah, and looking back I can see clearly how the core values that I hold dear now have been refined through my education and experiences here.

When I started college I believed in social justice, but in a very abstract and idealistic way. This belief was deeply informed through my education in the social sciences, where I gained knowledge about the grave social injustices embedded in the structure of our society and the consciousness of our minds. Realizations of the systemic nature of racism, poverty, and violence filled me with a burning desire to act. Initially I threw myself into activism, but my idealism about changing the world became realism when I interned at the Capital in Harrisburg. So I put away my protest signs and committed myself to working inside the government for change.

This is closely linked with service, another concept I came into Messiah valuing but not really understanding. However, as I got increasingly involved in the Agape Center – first as a volunteer and team leader, then as an Outreach Coordinator and now the Outreach Director – I began to grasp the complexities and challenges that go along with it. I became keenly aware of the race and class divides separating the Messiah volunteers from the kids we were working with. I learned about the unequal and dysfunctional education system that they are trapped in. I saw how service can be harmful if done carelessly, and how stereotypes have to be intentionally broken down. Service is not easy or simple, yet my commitment to it has only increased as I have seen the difference it can make when thoughtfully done.

The value which Messiah has most profoundly shaped in me is community. Although a campus buzzword, it has become very real to me. I have experienced it through church communities, small groups, and friends who accepted me, supported me, and nurtured me in my faith. I would not be who I am today without those relationships. And as I explored intentional living with my “SoJo” housemates, I embrace community as not just a core value but a constant lifestyle. Supporting one another, carrying each other’s burdens, practicing hospitality, taking Sabbath rest – this is all part of being in community. It is not always easy but is so rewarding, and these relationships and this lifestyle are what I will carry with me.

Equipped and released. That’s how I feel now as a result of my four years here. Messiah has informed and cultivated my core values, and given me so many opportunities to develop and grow as a student leader. As a graduate I am still working out my vocation in terms of a job, but am committed to living intentionally with others and investing in a low-income urban community. Specifically, I am ready to pour into Harrisburg, a city I have grown to love during my time here.

As I look back over my four years, I can see the unmistakable marks of God’s work in my life. He has truly been guiding my path each step of the way and still is, although I don’t know where it will lead next.

The end is near...

One week from today I will graduate - it's still hard to believe how fast these four years have gone by. But I am ready - these last few weeks have been really stressful in terms of schoolwork and Agape work, and as much as I've valued my time here, I am so ready to be done.

So ready to cease this lifestyle of a student being constantly pulled in so many directions. So ready to leave an atmosphere where I am held to and judged by standards that I don't necessarily agree with. So ready to embrace a lifestyle of my own choosing, and practice more fully the values that are important to me.

It is at times like this that I really question why higher education does this to students - this imposition of impossible standards, this encouragement towards leadership and extracurricular activities that make balance so difficult. Where is the value in rest, in reflection, in rejuvenating time with people? It seems these are the things that I constantly have to fight for to remain in my schedule.

Recently I have not fought to keep rest, reflection, and friends in my schedule amidst all of the stress, and I have felt the effects of it. All day today I have been trying to work on my internship portfolio, something that shouldn't be too hard, but have failed miserably. I felt like I could not do anything - the drive to finish was gone, leaving me tired and unmotivated. Yet there was still so much to do, and it was overwhelming.

But then I took a break - ate supper outside with housemates and friends, took pictures, turned cartwheels, and laughed a lot! It was just what I needed - some time to get away from all of my work and thoughts about work, and enjoy these silly moments with people dear to me. How many times do I have to learn this lesson, that pushing myself to work constantly only results in frustration? That without rest and reflection and fun, I cannot do my work well? This is what I have been reminded of tonight - and I am grateful for my wonderful housemates, who put up with my frustration, encourage me to keep going, and pull me away for a picnic :) I am learning so much from them everyday...