Whenever I get to that point where there's no choice but to pump myself with caffeine and pull an all-nighter, I wonder why I do this to myself. I have always struggled with procrastination and perfectionism - which together put me in this cycle of wanting to do an assignment very well but never having the time and energy to do it justice, so putting it off until I can't anymore and then feeding off of adrenaline to complete it. Somehow it works, though - everything always gets done.
But I don't want to continue like this... I've been realizing this semester that I need to get better at meeting deadlines. It doesn't really bother me to turn in a paper late, but I'm learning in my job at the Agape Center that deadlines are there for a reason, and when they aren't met it affects people I work with and the programs that we're doing. So even though I've gotten into the habit of asking for extensions on papers, I can't get used to that - in the "real world" extensions aren't always possible, and doing things late will have consequences.
One of the consequences of turning things in late is facing the disappointment/frustration/anger of professors. There's been tension that I've dealt with throughout the semester with certain profs, but as I e-mailed in my last few papers yesterday and today this has come to a head. I got two e-mails that were pretty upsetting...
- Part of the first one: "As you will appreciate, many students have service responsibilities on or off-campus, have volunteered for the campaign (or have athletics, music, theatre etc) yet are able to complete their work on time. Further, as I am often reminded, in the 'real world' of work a failure to complete assignments on time doesn't result in extensions, rather termination."
- The second is even worse: "Your performance in this class has been sub-par to say the least, and I've personally been very disappointed by your lack of attention to this course. In the future, I hope that you will make wiser decisions about priorities. While working in a political campaign is laudable, I'm not sure you made the wisest choice considering your prior academic obligations. I trust that in the future you will realize and accept your limitations; it's not possible for any of us to do everything we'd like to do."
Ouch. As much as I wish the opinions of my profs didn't matter to me, they do - and those words hurt. The perfectionist in me always wants to do well - because I know that I can, and because I want to prove to others that I can. And the people-pleaser in me wants them to think well of me.
I think what's most upsetting about these comments is how they question my priorities. It's true that this semester has seen a marked shift in my priorities - at the top of the list have been the Campaign, my job at the Agape Center, investing in relationships with friends, spending time with God, and SLEEP. School has been bumped very low, and for the first time I've taken the attitude of only doing enough to get a decent grade.
For most of the semester I've been pretty proud of these priorities - in the past I had been a slave to school and work, and so I was really trying to make my life more balanced, and it seemed like a much healthier way to live. But now for the first time I'm questioning all of that... Looking back over the semester, I can't say that I've regretted the way I've spent my time - it was amazing being involved in the Campaign and so totally worth it; my job has been very rewarding; I've loved spending time with people who are important to me; it's been good to work on my relationship with God; and it's been great to get some more sleep :) I've felt so much more like a "real person" if that makes any sense...
So now getting this criticism of these priorities feels like a slap in the face. I wouldn't change how I've done things this semester, but it just hurts that they can't understand that and are disappointed in me. Ugh... I'm just so ready to be done with school! I already went into the reasons why in my last post, so here's one more - I hate being judged by someone else's standards that don't fit with my own.
