On the nature of government and bureaucracy...

So tonight was the SGA Budget Meeting - which every semester never fails to get me riled up and energized to change things. (Odd, I know...) My frustrations with how SGA functions are three-fold:

1) It’s not really a democracy – it’s oligarchy. Most people there are uninformed or don’t care. Those who have the knowledge and power can make proposals, judgments, and arguments with little questioning. They can also cut off discussion to move to a vote without the consent of a majority. That’s not right. That makes me mad. The point of Forum is to thoroughly discuss proposals that come to us and make decisions for the good of all. But that cannot happen when people do not fully understand the proposal, or opinions are stifled.

2) Unless an organization is present to represent their interests, knowledgeable about how things work, and willing to voice their opinions, they can very easily get screwed over. You have to be there, and you have to understand how to “work the system” in order to protect yourself - because no one else will.

3) Finally, the rules/precedent/way of doing things is so entrenched that it is very difficult to change. The Finance & Organizations Committee makes up their own rules or interprets the rules to their liking. And for the sake of “consistency” there can never be any exceptions or flexibility – it is always set in stone.

However, the paradox for me in all of this is this: while I try my best to “fight the system” in Forum, I am also part of “the system” in my role as Director of Outreach. I have the power to deny requests for programming or funding. And as much as I decry the rules of SGA, I find myself enforcing my own rules when it comes to Outreach. I too can be inflexible – even if people are doing a good thing, if it doesn’t fit with our criteria or policy, I can’t approve it. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong – or just a virtue of being in a position where I have to make choices about what programming and funding to do and what not to do. But it feels like being part of any organization inevitably breeds this bureaucratic mindset that it narrowly focused on that organization’s goals and precedent and criteria, and cannot see other perspectives or flex at all. It’s certainly necessary to have standards for making decisions, but do we take it too far? I don’t know… It’s just interesting to see it from both sides...

Something's gotta give...

The first week of my last semester is almost done. Finally. It's been a rough week - which does not bode well for the rest of the semester. I'm listening to Avril right now, if that gives you a clue...

Classes really aren't bad, although I wish I didn't have to take them. But my time feels so much more constricted doing both an internship and my job at the Agape Center. Although I love my internship, having 2 entire days blocked out of my schedule makes me panic a little - it seems like I have so much less time than last semester. And I have all these great ideas for what I want to do with Outreach, but I don't feel like I have the time or energy to do everything I want to.

Tuesday night I was really overwhelmed - I had the realization that I can't do everything. Why is it my tendency to keep barreling ahead even when it's too much? I guess I can't stand feeling like I've failed or disappointed anyone. I have such high standards for myself and want to do so much...which makes it so hard to say no to things or back off from responsibilities. It took my amazing housemates telling me that it's ok not to do house programming stuff if I need to just take care of myself and stay sane. I am more important than programming - there's a novel idea.

I think a lot of what's stressed me out too is the fact that I've been out of my house since early in the morning til late at night every day this week. By the time I come home I'm exhausted and some of my housemates are already going to bed. With the start of the new semester all of our schedules are suddenly whacked out - we're never home at the same times, and it's really frustrating. With internships and classes and stuff there's nothing we can really do about it, but I don't like it - I need to be with them to stay sane. I need to be home...

Everything just seems so much harder this semester. It's harder to get motivated for classes. It's harder to spend time with my friends. It's harder to do the stuff I want to for Outreach. It's just hard.