On vulnerability and sharing burdens...

Lately the song for my journey has been "Lean on Me" (The Temptations):

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long'
Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

This song symbolizes a process I've been going through lately. It started when I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to do differently. One of the things was learning how to be more vulnerable with people. I had noticed that last semester that I had difficulty sharing my deepest struggles, and tried to think through why. I think part of it is shame - I'm embarassed about some of the struggles I have and don't want to admit them to other people. I also feel like I have this drive ingrained in me to be self-sufficient and independant, and so I like to think that I can handle everything myself - and I like for it to appear like that to others. It's hard to admit that I need help... And most of all, I don't like bringing people down - I think what it comes down to is that I don't like burdening people with my problems. I find myself laughing off things that really are serious, and saying they're ok when they're really not. I don't want people to spend time worrying about me or feeling sad or upset for me.

However, there come certain points where the burden is too much to bear alone - and that's a point I reached this week. I had been carrying it around with me and it just made me so upset, but when I did finally share it, when I was truly vulnerable with my house-mates, I felt so much better! I had been cold and shaking and sick to my stomach, but afterwards I felt warm and steady and hungry! Those were the outward signs of an inward shift - there were 5 people carrying this burden now rather than just one. And that made all the difference...

I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing house-mates, who truly are shoulders to lean on - whenever I have the courage to share how much I need them.