I realized today why it is I struggle so much with the feeling of being "left out". It's something that's been part of me my whole life, and has to do with my need for belonging and my wounds related to that, but it goes even deeper than that. At its very core, it is a fear - a fear of being loved less, of being pushed aside, overlooked, abandoned. That is what I am afraid of more than anything else in the world - of that loss of relationship, of that deep aloneness. That's why I can alternate between clinging and distancing myself - defenses mechanisms that I gravitate towards, the first to prevent loss, the second to protect from hurt.
But I cannot live from a place of fear - it's a prison that traps me, and from which I act reactively and compulsively. But love is the opposite of fear - and I long for the freedom of living out of God's love rather than being controlled by my own fear.
Henri Nowen speaks to this:
"Throughout the Gospel, we hear, 'Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid, it is I. Fear is not of God. I am the God of love, a God who invites you to receive - and to let go of your fears so that you can start sharing what you are so afraid to let go of.' The invitation of Christ is the invitation to move out of the house of fear and into the house of love; to move away out of that place of imprisonment into a place of freedom."
This is my prayer, that a shift from dwelling in a place of fear to a place of love will happen in my heart, which only God can do. And this is the song that's speaking to me...
"By Your Side" - Tenth Avenue North
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
