This has been a huge week in terms of thinking about and struggling with my sense of vocation. On Monday I found out that the hiring freeze at the Capital is probably not going to be lifted - ever. That was a shock to my system, because ever since my last internship there two summers ago I had been planning on working there after I graduated. With this internship, it seemed like the perfect way to "test out" the job, do some networking, and then get hired at the end of it. Now that seems like a pretty slim possibility.
After being so certain about something for so long, it's been difficult for me to start thinking of other options, other things that I could do. This was my plan, this is what I wanted to do, and now I can't. For the first time, the fact that "the economy is bad" which everyone has been saying has become a reality to me. It's a terrible time to get a job!
So now, the clear path that I saw for myself is gone, and I have to be open to a new multitude of possibilities. It's ironic, because over the past year or two my friends have been trying to figure out what they want to do, and I've always felt kind of weird "having it all figured out" already. But now I am right there with them, not knowing at all where I'll be a year from now. It's disconcerting, but also comforting in some ways too - "uncertainty loves company". We're all in this boat together...
As I've been thinking about what I could do, I've had to think through my sense of vocation - What is it that I really love to do? What gets me energized? How could I best contribute to the betterment of society? In looking at different possibilities, I've had to make the distinction between what would make sense for me and what I could do well v. what I am really passionate about. That has been important for me, because I know that in making decisions I tend to rationalize, choosing what I think I "should" do rather than what I really "want" to do. What I've come back to is that I really do want to work in politics - but how and where is very unclear right now.
There are tons of opportunities in DC, yet I have been really committed to staying in Harrisburg. I love the city, and more importantly I have a great support network here from my church communities and friends in the area. I really do not want to leave that - last time I was gone I realized how much I depended on that support network. And all during this year I've been putting down roots here - investing more in my church communities and my relationships, spending a lot of time in Harrisburg, thinking about where I could live and who with. I really don't want to be uprooted from all of that.
But I'm torn, because there seems to be no future here in terms of career for me. Even if I did somehow get a job at the Capital, Rendell leaves office in Jan 2011 and a Republican Governor will be coming in. Even now, the sense at the Capital is of winding down, which is sad. Although it would be good to get experience for that short while, then what?
The more likely situation is that I won't be able to get a job at the Capital, so if I stay in Harrisburg what will I do? I might be able to get a job in the Legislature (they don't have a hiring freeze) but I don't have connections there and that's not where my passion lies - I want to work for an Administration. There are a few advocacy groups in Harrisburg that seem interesting, but I have become so jaded that I don't think I believe in advocacy anymore, so that's a problem. I could just keep interning forever, working some crap job, and hanging out. I don't know.
I'm trying not to stress out about this too much, and most of the time I'm too busy to dwell on it. I'm trying to trust God with it - I know that He has it all figured out. It's just hard not knowing what my life will look like.
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