So when I’m with DJ, age almost-6, I learn so much about trains – which are the fastest, where they go, when he saw one or rode on one last, etc This weekend, however, as I rode a train from Harrisburg to Philly and back for Easter, I was thinking about a train as a metaphor for my life. Don’t laugh – it’s true.
These past few weeks as I’ve been intensely thinking through my vocation and struggling with questions of what I should do and where I should be, I’ve been impressed upon by the idea of sacrifice – some wise words by a recent Messiah grad. In life, especially post-grad, the decisions I make will ultimately involve sacrificing something – I can’t have it all. All of the people that I love will never be in one place – in fact, they’re getting more and more spread-out. So it’s this tension that I’ve been feeling – I cannot embrace one place joyfully without feeling some sense of sadness at saying goodbye to another place. And this brings it back to the train metaphor – I must always say “good-bye” before I can say “hello”, and to some degree I will always feel pulled back and forth between my different homes.
But this week I have finally felt a level of certainty about where I will be after graduation. For about the past year, I have been wanting to stay in Harrisburg, but lately have been struggling with ideas that I should go back to Philly or I should head off to DC instead. But experience has taught me that making major life decisions based on what I think I should do is not a good idea.
And really what my vocational decision comes down to is, where can I find community? That’s what is most important to me right now, and that is what I have in Harrisburg – amazing communities and amazing friends who love me and support me. I think before I was trying to resist the idea of staying in Harrisburg because I was afraid I was doing it out of fear (ironic, huh?). I didn’t want to do it just because I was afraid of leaving my communities to go somewhere else. But that’s not it at all – Harrisburg is where I belong right now. In addition to the sense of community here, I have fallen in love with this city, and I’m so excited to really invest more of my time and energy into making it better.
I don’t have a job lined up yet, but I’m not too worried (most of the time). I have lots of connections at the Capital, so if anything opens up there I will know about it. I am looking more into advocacy groups and excited about exploring the communications end of politics. And if all else fails, I think I will be pretty happy working in a coffee shop, volunteering, and just learning how to live life as a real person, not just a student. Even though things are uncertain, I just have so much peace about this, which is a really wonderful feeling.
I’ve been reading a book by Parker Palmer called “Let Your Life Speak”, and it’s all about vocation, told through his vocational journey. This is my favorite quote from him: “Vocation at its deepest level is: ‘This is something that I can’t not do, for reasons I’m unable to explain to anyone else and don’t fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.’ ” That is exactly how I feel about staying in Harrisburg – I’ve tried to explain it to people and they don’t always understand, but it’s something that I’ve just got to do. This is where I am meant to be right now. Maybe not forever, maybe for a season, but for right now – YES!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Peace like a river...
I've been continuing to think a lot about my vocation this week... As I've gone through different tasks and meetings, I've been intentionally analyzing what things I enjoy and what things energize me. This week, that's not been at my internship - in fact, I've been rethinking whether I really want to work in government or politics at all. I have found a lot of excitement and purpose in my work at the Agape Center, and in things related to Harrisburg. So I don't know exactly what that means, but I am open to possibilities that I wouldn't have even considered a month ago.
And there has definitely been a shift in my perspective on vocation since my last post. At that point, I was focusing all on career and where I could find opportuntities to fulfill that. Now I am unsure about career, but more committed to place. Harrisburg is where I belong right now, and I will stay here with my people :) I guess I have shifted to valuing community over career - community is what I am sure of, while career I may not figure out for a while.
So my "plan" right now (if you can call it that) is to find an apartment in Allison Hill (in Hburg) to share with friends, and get a job at a coffee-shop or something for the summer. I feel like I'm not ready to jump into a serious job yet - I have been going and pushing myself to handle so many things for so long that I just need a break. Working somewhere, investing in relationships, getting involved in Allison Hill, reading for fun, and playing with kids sounds like just what I need :) After that, who knows...but I have a lot of peace about this.
And there has definitely been a shift in my perspective on vocation since my last post. At that point, I was focusing all on career and where I could find opportuntities to fulfill that. Now I am unsure about career, but more committed to place. Harrisburg is where I belong right now, and I will stay here with my people :) I guess I have shifted to valuing community over career - community is what I am sure of, while career I may not figure out for a while.
So my "plan" right now (if you can call it that) is to find an apartment in Allison Hill (in Hburg) to share with friends, and get a job at a coffee-shop or something for the summer. I feel like I'm not ready to jump into a serious job yet - I have been going and pushing myself to handle so many things for so long that I just need a break. Working somewhere, investing in relationships, getting involved in Allison Hill, reading for fun, and playing with kids sounds like just what I need :) After that, who knows...but I have a lot of peace about this.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
When the rug gets pulled out from under you...
This has been a huge week in terms of thinking about and struggling with my sense of vocation. On Monday I found out that the hiring freeze at the Capital is probably not going to be lifted - ever. That was a shock to my system, because ever since my last internship there two summers ago I had been planning on working there after I graduated. With this internship, it seemed like the perfect way to "test out" the job, do some networking, and then get hired at the end of it. Now that seems like a pretty slim possibility.
After being so certain about something for so long, it's been difficult for me to start thinking of other options, other things that I could do. This was my plan, this is what I wanted to do, and now I can't. For the first time, the fact that "the economy is bad" which everyone has been saying has become a reality to me. It's a terrible time to get a job!
So now, the clear path that I saw for myself is gone, and I have to be open to a new multitude of possibilities. It's ironic, because over the past year or two my friends have been trying to figure out what they want to do, and I've always felt kind of weird "having it all figured out" already. But now I am right there with them, not knowing at all where I'll be a year from now. It's disconcerting, but also comforting in some ways too - "uncertainty loves company". We're all in this boat together...
As I've been thinking about what I could do, I've had to think through my sense of vocation - What is it that I really love to do? What gets me energized? How could I best contribute to the betterment of society? In looking at different possibilities, I've had to make the distinction between what would make sense for me and what I could do well v. what I am really passionate about. That has been important for me, because I know that in making decisions I tend to rationalize, choosing what I think I "should" do rather than what I really "want" to do. What I've come back to is that I really do want to work in politics - but how and where is very unclear right now.
There are tons of opportunities in DC, yet I have been really committed to staying in Harrisburg. I love the city, and more importantly I have a great support network here from my church communities and friends in the area. I really do not want to leave that - last time I was gone I realized how much I depended on that support network. And all during this year I've been putting down roots here - investing more in my church communities and my relationships, spending a lot of time in Harrisburg, thinking about where I could live and who with. I really don't want to be uprooted from all of that.
But I'm torn, because there seems to be no future here in terms of career for me. Even if I did somehow get a job at the Capital, Rendell leaves office in Jan 2011 and a Republican Governor will be coming in. Even now, the sense at the Capital is of winding down, which is sad. Although it would be good to get experience for that short while, then what?
The more likely situation is that I won't be able to get a job at the Capital, so if I stay in Harrisburg what will I do? I might be able to get a job in the Legislature (they don't have a hiring freeze) but I don't have connections there and that's not where my passion lies - I want to work for an Administration. There are a few advocacy groups in Harrisburg that seem interesting, but I have become so jaded that I don't think I believe in advocacy anymore, so that's a problem. I could just keep interning forever, working some crap job, and hanging out. I don't know.
I'm trying not to stress out about this too much, and most of the time I'm too busy to dwell on it. I'm trying to trust God with it - I know that He has it all figured out. It's just hard not knowing what my life will look like.
After being so certain about something for so long, it's been difficult for me to start thinking of other options, other things that I could do. This was my plan, this is what I wanted to do, and now I can't. For the first time, the fact that "the economy is bad" which everyone has been saying has become a reality to me. It's a terrible time to get a job!
So now, the clear path that I saw for myself is gone, and I have to be open to a new multitude of possibilities. It's ironic, because over the past year or two my friends have been trying to figure out what they want to do, and I've always felt kind of weird "having it all figured out" already. But now I am right there with them, not knowing at all where I'll be a year from now. It's disconcerting, but also comforting in some ways too - "uncertainty loves company". We're all in this boat together...
As I've been thinking about what I could do, I've had to think through my sense of vocation - What is it that I really love to do? What gets me energized? How could I best contribute to the betterment of society? In looking at different possibilities, I've had to make the distinction between what would make sense for me and what I could do well v. what I am really passionate about. That has been important for me, because I know that in making decisions I tend to rationalize, choosing what I think I "should" do rather than what I really "want" to do. What I've come back to is that I really do want to work in politics - but how and where is very unclear right now.
There are tons of opportunities in DC, yet I have been really committed to staying in Harrisburg. I love the city, and more importantly I have a great support network here from my church communities and friends in the area. I really do not want to leave that - last time I was gone I realized how much I depended on that support network. And all during this year I've been putting down roots here - investing more in my church communities and my relationships, spending a lot of time in Harrisburg, thinking about where I could live and who with. I really don't want to be uprooted from all of that.
But I'm torn, because there seems to be no future here in terms of career for me. Even if I did somehow get a job at the Capital, Rendell leaves office in Jan 2011 and a Republican Governor will be coming in. Even now, the sense at the Capital is of winding down, which is sad. Although it would be good to get experience for that short while, then what?
The more likely situation is that I won't be able to get a job at the Capital, so if I stay in Harrisburg what will I do? I might be able to get a job in the Legislature (they don't have a hiring freeze) but I don't have connections there and that's not where my passion lies - I want to work for an Administration. There are a few advocacy groups in Harrisburg that seem interesting, but I have become so jaded that I don't think I believe in advocacy anymore, so that's a problem. I could just keep interning forever, working some crap job, and hanging out. I don't know.
I'm trying not to stress out about this too much, and most of the time I'm too busy to dwell on it. I'm trying to trust God with it - I know that He has it all figured out. It's just hard not knowing what my life will look like.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
On the nature of government and bureaucracy...
So tonight was the SGA Budget Meeting - which every semester never fails to get me riled up and energized to change things. (Odd, I know...) My frustrations with how SGA functions are three-fold:
1) It’s not really a democracy – it’s oligarchy. Most people there are uninformed or don’t care. Those who have the knowledge and power can make proposals, judgments, and arguments with little questioning. They can also cut off discussion to move to a vote without the consent of a majority. That’s not right. That makes me mad. The point of Forum is to thoroughly discuss proposals that come to us and make decisions for the good of all. But that cannot happen when people do not fully understand the proposal, or opinions are stifled.
2) Unless an organization is present to represent their interests, knowledgeable about how things work, and willing to voice their opinions, they can very easily get screwed over. You have to be there, and you have to understand how to “work the system” in order to protect yourself - because no one else will.
3) Finally, the rules/precedent/way of doing things is so entrenched that it is very difficult to change. The Finance & Organizations Committee makes up their own rules or interprets the rules to their liking. And for the sake of “consistency” there can never be any exceptions or flexibility – it is always set in stone.
However, the paradox for me in all of this is this: while I try my best to “fight the system” in Forum, I am also part of “the system” in my role as Director of Outreach. I have the power to deny requests for programming or funding. And as much as I decry the rules of SGA, I find myself enforcing my own rules when it comes to Outreach. I too can be inflexible – even if people are doing a good thing, if it doesn’t fit with our criteria or policy, I can’t approve it. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong – or just a virtue of being in a position where I have to make choices about what programming and funding to do and what not to do. But it feels like being part of any organization inevitably breeds this bureaucratic mindset that it narrowly focused on that organization’s goals and precedent and criteria, and cannot see other perspectives or flex at all. It’s certainly necessary to have standards for making decisions, but do we take it too far? I don’t know… It’s just interesting to see it from both sides...
1) It’s not really a democracy – it’s oligarchy. Most people there are uninformed or don’t care. Those who have the knowledge and power can make proposals, judgments, and arguments with little questioning. They can also cut off discussion to move to a vote without the consent of a majority. That’s not right. That makes me mad. The point of Forum is to thoroughly discuss proposals that come to us and make decisions for the good of all. But that cannot happen when people do not fully understand the proposal, or opinions are stifled.
2) Unless an organization is present to represent their interests, knowledgeable about how things work, and willing to voice their opinions, they can very easily get screwed over. You have to be there, and you have to understand how to “work the system” in order to protect yourself - because no one else will.
3) Finally, the rules/precedent/way of doing things is so entrenched that it is very difficult to change. The Finance & Organizations Committee makes up their own rules or interprets the rules to their liking. And for the sake of “consistency” there can never be any exceptions or flexibility – it is always set in stone.
However, the paradox for me in all of this is this: while I try my best to “fight the system” in Forum, I am also part of “the system” in my role as Director of Outreach. I have the power to deny requests for programming or funding. And as much as I decry the rules of SGA, I find myself enforcing my own rules when it comes to Outreach. I too can be inflexible – even if people are doing a good thing, if it doesn’t fit with our criteria or policy, I can’t approve it. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong – or just a virtue of being in a position where I have to make choices about what programming and funding to do and what not to do. But it feels like being part of any organization inevitably breeds this bureaucratic mindset that it narrowly focused on that organization’s goals and precedent and criteria, and cannot see other perspectives or flex at all. It’s certainly necessary to have standards for making decisions, but do we take it too far? I don’t know… It’s just interesting to see it from both sides...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Something's gotta give...
The first week of my last semester is almost done. Finally. It's been a rough week - which does not bode well for the rest of the semester. I'm listening to Avril right now, if that gives you a clue...
Classes really aren't bad, although I wish I didn't have to take them. But my time feels so much more constricted doing both an internship and my job at the Agape Center. Although I love my internship, having 2 entire days blocked out of my schedule makes me panic a little - it seems like I have so much less time than last semester. And I have all these great ideas for what I want to do with Outreach, but I don't feel like I have the time or energy to do everything I want to.
Tuesday night I was really overwhelmed - I had the realization that I can't do everything. Why is it my tendency to keep barreling ahead even when it's too much? I guess I can't stand feeling like I've failed or disappointed anyone. I have such high standards for myself and want to do so much...which makes it so hard to say no to things or back off from responsibilities. It took my amazing housemates telling me that it's ok not to do house programming stuff if I need to just take care of myself and stay sane. I am more important than programming - there's a novel idea.
I think a lot of what's stressed me out too is the fact that I've been out of my house since early in the morning til late at night every day this week. By the time I come home I'm exhausted and some of my housemates are already going to bed. With the start of the new semester all of our schedules are suddenly whacked out - we're never home at the same times, and it's really frustrating. With internships and classes and stuff there's nothing we can really do about it, but I don't like it - I need to be with them to stay sane. I need to be home...
Everything just seems so much harder this semester. It's harder to get motivated for classes. It's harder to spend time with my friends. It's harder to do the stuff I want to for Outreach. It's just hard.
Classes really aren't bad, although I wish I didn't have to take them. But my time feels so much more constricted doing both an internship and my job at the Agape Center. Although I love my internship, having 2 entire days blocked out of my schedule makes me panic a little - it seems like I have so much less time than last semester. And I have all these great ideas for what I want to do with Outreach, but I don't feel like I have the time or energy to do everything I want to.
Tuesday night I was really overwhelmed - I had the realization that I can't do everything. Why is it my tendency to keep barreling ahead even when it's too much? I guess I can't stand feeling like I've failed or disappointed anyone. I have such high standards for myself and want to do so much...which makes it so hard to say no to things or back off from responsibilities. It took my amazing housemates telling me that it's ok not to do house programming stuff if I need to just take care of myself and stay sane. I am more important than programming - there's a novel idea.
I think a lot of what's stressed me out too is the fact that I've been out of my house since early in the morning til late at night every day this week. By the time I come home I'm exhausted and some of my housemates are already going to bed. With the start of the new semester all of our schedules are suddenly whacked out - we're never home at the same times, and it's really frustrating. With internships and classes and stuff there's nothing we can really do about it, but I don't like it - I need to be with them to stay sane. I need to be home...
Everything just seems so much harder this semester. It's harder to get motivated for classes. It's harder to spend time with my friends. It's harder to do the stuff I want to for Outreach. It's just hard.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
On the nature of busyness...and coping mechanisms
Lately I've been contemplating the nature of busyness in my life - mostly because I'm always busy but don't want to be. Last semester was very full, finals week was brutal, Christmas break was spent running around all the time and not resting, and then I had to jump right back into things for J-term. It's left me feeling constantly exhausted with no end in sight, and questioning how and why I got here.
I remember a conversation I had with one of my housemates over break. When I was describing all of the stuff I was doing she said, "Wow Amanda, you run on busyness." That made me think, and it's true - although I hate being so busy all the time, at the same time I thrive on it in a way. I get a rush from running around and getting things done and feeling accomplished. I like proving to myself and to other people what I can do.
But lately my busyness hasn't given me those kinds of feelings - instead it's made me feel burnt-out. And yet it's really hard for me to stop and truly rest. There's this incessant drive inside me to be productive, and resting when I have so much to do seems counterintuitive. Ceasing production and "wasting time" is hard for me, but I do recognize that I desperately need time to stop in order to renew myself. Already this J-term I've been running short on sleep, consistently forget about lunch, and don't have time to invest with people like I want to. This is not how I want to live. But I don't know what I can do differently...for now I just have to keep plugging away.
I've also been thinking about how busyness functions for me. I think in a way it can be an escape mechanism for me - when I don't want to think about or deal with things that are difficult or painful, it's really easy to let myself go do a bunch of stuff and use busyness as an excuse for not dealing with it. Perhaps that's what I'm doing right now... I keep saying "I can't deal with it right now, I have too much to do." But is it really that I don't want to deal with it right now?
I find that in general I tend to deal with problems by escaping or ignoring or denying them until I can't anymore. With something as simple as homework, I would escape the reality of needing to do it by watching movies, and I would pretend that I didn't have homework (because if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?). I've realized recently that I apply this to more serious problems - I just try not to think about them or pretend that they don't exist. That can't be a healthy way of dealing with them, but I suppose recognizing that those are my coping mechanisms is a good start?
I seem to be learning a lot about myself lately, I'm not sure why. But one more revelation I had today, related to my last post on vulnerability. When I was talking to my brother, I realized how much easier it is for me to be there for him and listen to what he's dealing with than to share anything meaningful about myself. I'm a good listener, but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to really open up to people with my struggles. This is something that I need to keep working on...
I remember a conversation I had with one of my housemates over break. When I was describing all of the stuff I was doing she said, "Wow Amanda, you run on busyness." That made me think, and it's true - although I hate being so busy all the time, at the same time I thrive on it in a way. I get a rush from running around and getting things done and feeling accomplished. I like proving to myself and to other people what I can do.
But lately my busyness hasn't given me those kinds of feelings - instead it's made me feel burnt-out. And yet it's really hard for me to stop and truly rest. There's this incessant drive inside me to be productive, and resting when I have so much to do seems counterintuitive. Ceasing production and "wasting time" is hard for me, but I do recognize that I desperately need time to stop in order to renew myself. Already this J-term I've been running short on sleep, consistently forget about lunch, and don't have time to invest with people like I want to. This is not how I want to live. But I don't know what I can do differently...for now I just have to keep plugging away.
I've also been thinking about how busyness functions for me. I think in a way it can be an escape mechanism for me - when I don't want to think about or deal with things that are difficult or painful, it's really easy to let myself go do a bunch of stuff and use busyness as an excuse for not dealing with it. Perhaps that's what I'm doing right now... I keep saying "I can't deal with it right now, I have too much to do." But is it really that I don't want to deal with it right now?
I find that in general I tend to deal with problems by escaping or ignoring or denying them until I can't anymore. With something as simple as homework, I would escape the reality of needing to do it by watching movies, and I would pretend that I didn't have homework (because if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?). I've realized recently that I apply this to more serious problems - I just try not to think about them or pretend that they don't exist. That can't be a healthy way of dealing with them, but I suppose recognizing that those are my coping mechanisms is a good start?
I seem to be learning a lot about myself lately, I'm not sure why. But one more revelation I had today, related to my last post on vulnerability. When I was talking to my brother, I realized how much easier it is for me to be there for him and listen to what he's dealing with than to share anything meaningful about myself. I'm a good listener, but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to really open up to people with my struggles. This is something that I need to keep working on...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
On vulnerability and sharing burdens...
Lately the song for my journey has been "Lean on Me" (The Temptations):
Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long'
Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
This song symbolizes a process I've been going through lately. It started when I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to do differently. One of the things was learning how to be more vulnerable with people. I had noticed that last semester that I had difficulty sharing my deepest struggles, and tried to think through why. I think part of it is shame - I'm embarassed about some of the struggles I have and don't want to admit them to other people. I also feel like I have this drive ingrained in me to be self-sufficient and independant, and so I like to think that I can handle everything myself - and I like for it to appear like that to others. It's hard to admit that I need help... And most of all, I don't like bringing people down - I think what it comes down to is that I don't like burdening people with my problems. I find myself laughing off things that really are serious, and saying they're ok when they're really not. I don't want people to spend time worrying about me or feeling sad or upset for me.
However, there come certain points where the burden is too much to bear alone - and that's a point I reached this week. I had been carrying it around with me and it just made me so upset, but when I did finally share it, when I was truly vulnerable with my house-mates, I felt so much better! I had been cold and shaking and sick to my stomach, but afterwards I felt warm and steady and hungry! Those were the outward signs of an inward shift - there were 5 people carrying this burden now rather than just one. And that made all the difference...
I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing house-mates, who truly are shoulders to lean on - whenever I have the courage to share how much I need them.
Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long'
Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
This song symbolizes a process I've been going through lately. It started when I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to do differently. One of the things was learning how to be more vulnerable with people. I had noticed that last semester that I had difficulty sharing my deepest struggles, and tried to think through why. I think part of it is shame - I'm embarassed about some of the struggles I have and don't want to admit them to other people. I also feel like I have this drive ingrained in me to be self-sufficient and independant, and so I like to think that I can handle everything myself - and I like for it to appear like that to others. It's hard to admit that I need help... And most of all, I don't like bringing people down - I think what it comes down to is that I don't like burdening people with my problems. I find myself laughing off things that really are serious, and saying they're ok when they're really not. I don't want people to spend time worrying about me or feeling sad or upset for me.
However, there come certain points where the burden is too much to bear alone - and that's a point I reached this week. I had been carrying it around with me and it just made me so upset, but when I did finally share it, when I was truly vulnerable with my house-mates, I felt so much better! I had been cold and shaking and sick to my stomach, but afterwards I felt warm and steady and hungry! Those were the outward signs of an inward shift - there were 5 people carrying this burden now rather than just one. And that made all the difference...
I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing house-mates, who truly are shoulders to lean on - whenever I have the courage to share how much I need them.
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