On the nature of busyness...and coping mechanisms

Lately I've been contemplating the nature of busyness in my life - mostly because I'm always busy but don't want to be. Last semester was very full, finals week was brutal, Christmas break was spent running around all the time and not resting, and then I had to jump right back into things for J-term. It's left me feeling constantly exhausted with no end in sight, and questioning how and why I got here.

I remember a conversation I had with one of my housemates over break. When I was describing all of the stuff I was doing she said, "Wow Amanda, you run on busyness." That made me think, and it's true - although I hate being so busy all the time, at the same time I thrive on it in a way. I get a rush from running around and getting things done and feeling accomplished. I like proving to myself and to other people what I can do.

But lately my busyness hasn't given me those kinds of feelings - instead it's made me feel burnt-out. And yet it's really hard for me to stop and truly rest. There's this incessant drive inside me to be productive, and resting when I have so much to do seems counterintuitive. Ceasing production and "wasting time" is hard for me, but I do recognize that I desperately need time to stop in order to renew myself. Already this J-term I've been running short on sleep, consistently forget about lunch, and don't have time to invest with people like I want to. This is not how I want to live. But I don't know what I can do differently...for now I just have to keep plugging away.

I've also been thinking about how busyness functions for me. I think in a way it can be an escape mechanism for me - when I don't want to think about or deal with things that are difficult or painful, it's really easy to let myself go do a bunch of stuff and use busyness as an excuse for not dealing with it. Perhaps that's what I'm doing right now... I keep saying "I can't deal with it right now, I have too much to do." But is it really that I don't want to deal with it right now?

I find that in general I tend to deal with problems by escaping or ignoring or denying them until I can't anymore. With something as simple as homework, I would escape the reality of needing to do it by watching movies, and I would pretend that I didn't have homework (because if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?). I've realized recently that I apply this to more serious problems - I just try not to think about them or pretend that they don't exist. That can't be a healthy way of dealing with them, but I suppose recognizing that those are my coping mechanisms is a good start?

I seem to be learning a lot about myself lately, I'm not sure why. But one more revelation I had today, related to my last post on vulnerability. When I was talking to my brother, I realized how much easier it is for me to be there for him and listen to what he's dealing with than to share anything meaningful about myself. I'm a good listener, but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to really open up to people with my struggles. This is something that I need to keep working on...