I do not often get stressed out these days, but lately I have been - by time. Suddenly there seemed to be a million things to do and people to see, and I found myself in a whirlwind of busyness that was of my making - but that left me frazzled and drained. I don't regret any of the things I did, but it's not a pace of life that I want to sustain. Rather, I deeply value the importance of rest and reflection, being fully present and allowing space for interruptions - and I want these to mark the rhythms of my life.
Time is finite, and I need to be ok with that - while also making the time that I do have count. I need to see it more and more as a gift, an opportunity, rather than merely a block on my calendar. I want how I use my time to reflect my highest values, rather than my weakest impulses. I am called to love with abandon the people God has placed me with, and to be faithful to the commitments I have made. Neither of these things are always easy - in fact, they're sometimes very hard. But with a generous portion of God's grace, I pray that I can.
One of the scary things about time is that it is so fleeting - and we can never get it back. Perhaps it's become more precious to me as I've been saying goodbyes lately - and as I prepare for more goodbyes and big changes in the lives of my closest friends.
It's funny, as I find myself again in the role of being a point of sending and return. There aren't only sad goodbyes, but also joyful returns, and for that I am grateful. And despite the pain of friends journeying onto new adventures without me, something in this role feels good too. I like being a settled, stable point for people when so much is changing, and it almost feels like an honor to support them and send them off to the great things God is calling them to. But I will need plenty of grace for those days too.
For now, my prayer is that I can love people like there's no tomorrow, not leaving important things unsaid - because life is too short, and we don't know how much time we've got until it's gone.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Being neighbors and growing roots
Tonight was a free evening, and little Derek and Evan came knocking on our door to "show us something". It was a GIANT zucchini in our garden that we had missed! Then we had a birthday surprise to show Derek, who just turned 4 on July 4th. Did I want to ride bikes for a bit? Sure! That led to reading some books and playing with the farm and racing cars until it was bedtime. When I finally left their house the sun was setting, and Inousa, our friendly and intelligent neighbor from Burkina Faso, was out back listening to music from his truck. I stopped and chatted for a while - he is getting ready to go back home, and so is soaking in the last weeks of his life in America. He always has interesting insights into life and culture here, and I appreciate his perspective.
It's nights like this that I am so grateful to have enough free space in my life to spontaneously spend time with neighbors. I am in love with this place and its people. When it's not blazing hot outside, I relish simply walking the streets of Allison Hill, with no particular aim except to know this place and be known. I want to memorize each back-street and get acquainted with the people so that everyone doesn't look the same to me anymore. Although my neighborhood certainly has its share of death, most days I can't help but be overwhelmed by the life that is so fully present here - kids laughing and playing together in the streets, families relaxing on their porches, guys hanging out and making fun. Although I certainly am still an oddity here, there's no place I'd rather be.
And as I walk the streets and go about my daily routine, I can't help but see the possibilities. Abandoned houses become loved and lived-in places. Empty lots become community spaces. And strangers become neighbors. I have so many dreams that I want to live out here. To truly know and love the people that God has placed here with me. To begin to understand the complexities of this place. To learn about the good work that is already being done by so many committed people. To discover my niche and what I am meant to do here. Some days there is an urgency to this last question - wanting to know what I'm supposed to do. But on days like today, I am content to spend time with neighbors - learning a little more about them and sharing in their lives.
A wise friend recently shared a quote by Henri Nowen that expresses the feeling I have well: "More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time and freedom to practice this simple ministry of presence..." I pray that God will use this desire in me as I continue to set down roots here...
It's nights like this that I am so grateful to have enough free space in my life to spontaneously spend time with neighbors. I am in love with this place and its people. When it's not blazing hot outside, I relish simply walking the streets of Allison Hill, with no particular aim except to know this place and be known. I want to memorize each back-street and get acquainted with the people so that everyone doesn't look the same to me anymore. Although my neighborhood certainly has its share of death, most days I can't help but be overwhelmed by the life that is so fully present here - kids laughing and playing together in the streets, families relaxing on their porches, guys hanging out and making fun. Although I certainly am still an oddity here, there's no place I'd rather be.
And as I walk the streets and go about my daily routine, I can't help but see the possibilities. Abandoned houses become loved and lived-in places. Empty lots become community spaces. And strangers become neighbors. I have so many dreams that I want to live out here. To truly know and love the people that God has placed here with me. To begin to understand the complexities of this place. To learn about the good work that is already being done by so many committed people. To discover my niche and what I am meant to do here. Some days there is an urgency to this last question - wanting to know what I'm supposed to do. But on days like today, I am content to spend time with neighbors - learning a little more about them and sharing in their lives.
A wise friend recently shared a quote by Henri Nowen that expresses the feeling I have well: "More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time and freedom to practice this simple ministry of presence..." I pray that God will use this desire in me as I continue to set down roots here...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
What a wonderful world...
This week has left me with many markers pointing to God's goodness. Not that it's been an easy or carefree week - in fact, each day there have been disappointments or frustrations that have gotten me down. But each day there have been clear reminders of the goodness of God. Through life-giving conversations with friends, the beauty of creation, connections with co-workers, the smiles of children, and the special gift of new life, God has reminded me of the great blessings in life.
Usually things aren't this clear for me - my learning is usually much more muddled. Perhaps that's why I'm sharing this now...because God did make it clear that this is something to pay attention to. My prayer is that my eyes will always be open and attentive to see this. Amidst the small everyday struggles and the large overwhelming challenges, may we all see God and his goodness in this wonderful world.
It may sound funny, but the way I often experience joy is that songs will start welling up in my heart - and flowing out my lips :) Today the song in my heart was Louis Armstrong's classic "It's a Wonderful World". Here are the words...
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"
I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Usually things aren't this clear for me - my learning is usually much more muddled. Perhaps that's why I'm sharing this now...because God did make it clear that this is something to pay attention to. My prayer is that my eyes will always be open and attentive to see this. Amidst the small everyday struggles and the large overwhelming challenges, may we all see God and his goodness in this wonderful world.
It may sound funny, but the way I often experience joy is that songs will start welling up in my heart - and flowing out my lips :) Today the song in my heart was Louis Armstrong's classic "It's a Wonderful World". Here are the words...
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"
I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
One year out: Thoughts on work & life from "the other side"
As I attended Messiah's graduation this May, I remembered mine like it was yesterday - yet it also seemed like so long since I had walked across that stage. And as I wrote out this month's check for rent, I paused - it was exactly a year ago that I had begun this chapter of my life on 1527 Derry St. It made me ponder - what had I learned? How had I changed? What would I tell this year's seniors if I had the chance? So here are a few nuggets of wisdom, from my experience to yours...
There is such pressure as you graduate to "figure out what I'm doing with my life". The constant questions from well-meaning relatives and friends can be discouraging if you don't have a "good" answer. When I graduated I had ideas about what I wanted to do, but spent a whole summer unsure about what would be next. There will undoubtedly be times of uncertainty, of feeling "stuck", of knowing you have so much to give but having no outlet. They're hard, but they will pass sooner or later. I could not have imagined the ways that God provided for fulfilling and stretching work. Things will work out, although usually in ways that you never expected. That's how God rolls, it seems - God is full of surprises. God also likes to test our patience - but God will come through.
Whether you are looking for a job or have found one, know that there will never be the "perfect job" - but you can get pretty darn close. Every position will have its joys and frustrations, just as the skill-set you bring to it will have both strengths and weaknesses. But each experience for however long offers a great opportunity to learn more about what you want to do, what you love and are good at, and how you can grow and be better.
And you know what? You don't have to have it all figured out. I'm becoming more and more convinced that no one really does. Whether you're fresh out of college or in your 30s married with kids there are still transitions, there are still questions of what's going to happen next, of where to go and what to do, of how you can better live out your ideals and your vocation. The questions never end, but if you can find the peace to live in those questions, you'll be ok.
And I think it's pretty rare that we get clear answers. Maybe you will suddenly know for sure, "Ahah, this is what I will do for the rest of my life." But that's not the common experience. Rather, I think we are given clues along the way that point us towards what could be next. I've learned to pay attention to the things that energize and excite me, the things that fill me with joy, and the things that make me angry. All of these are clues to where my deep passions lie and when my work intersects with them.
I've also learned that changing the world looks different than I used to think. I imagined making sweeping changes in government policy, and spurring significant neighborhood revitalization. Now I see things differently. I haven't given up on my ideals, but I have learned in trying to live them out that change requires much time and commitment - it does not come quickly or easily. It requires humility in recognizing how much you have to learn, but also courage to go and try something even if you don't have it all figured out.
More often than not, living out your ideals will look very ordinary and you may feel like you're not doing very much. But in being counter-cultural day-in and day-out, you are extraordinary. And as a community of people - in your neighborhood and around the world - doing many small, ordinary things, little by little we are changing the world. It may not be as grand as you imagine, but it does matter.
To do any of this, though, community is essential. Messiah students, you'll chuckle, but it's really true. You can't live out your ideals alone. It's hard, doing community as imperfect people in a messy world. But it is totally and completely worth it - and if you don't have a good community, nothing much else matters. As much as jobs and other things have transitioned over the past year for me, it has been my community (near and far) which has remained constant. Find people who share your ideals, who will stand beside you, laugh and cry with you, live out your dreams with you, and sit with you in the questions.
You're gonna be alright :) Life on the other side is good.
There is such pressure as you graduate to "figure out what I'm doing with my life". The constant questions from well-meaning relatives and friends can be discouraging if you don't have a "good" answer. When I graduated I had ideas about what I wanted to do, but spent a whole summer unsure about what would be next. There will undoubtedly be times of uncertainty, of feeling "stuck", of knowing you have so much to give but having no outlet. They're hard, but they will pass sooner or later. I could not have imagined the ways that God provided for fulfilling and stretching work. Things will work out, although usually in ways that you never expected. That's how God rolls, it seems - God is full of surprises. God also likes to test our patience - but God will come through.
Whether you are looking for a job or have found one, know that there will never be the "perfect job" - but you can get pretty darn close. Every position will have its joys and frustrations, just as the skill-set you bring to it will have both strengths and weaknesses. But each experience for however long offers a great opportunity to learn more about what you want to do, what you love and are good at, and how you can grow and be better.
And you know what? You don't have to have it all figured out. I'm becoming more and more convinced that no one really does. Whether you're fresh out of college or in your 30s married with kids there are still transitions, there are still questions of what's going to happen next, of where to go and what to do, of how you can better live out your ideals and your vocation. The questions never end, but if you can find the peace to live in those questions, you'll be ok.
And I think it's pretty rare that we get clear answers. Maybe you will suddenly know for sure, "Ahah, this is what I will do for the rest of my life." But that's not the common experience. Rather, I think we are given clues along the way that point us towards what could be next. I've learned to pay attention to the things that energize and excite me, the things that fill me with joy, and the things that make me angry. All of these are clues to where my deep passions lie and when my work intersects with them.
I've also learned that changing the world looks different than I used to think. I imagined making sweeping changes in government policy, and spurring significant neighborhood revitalization. Now I see things differently. I haven't given up on my ideals, but I have learned in trying to live them out that change requires much time and commitment - it does not come quickly or easily. It requires humility in recognizing how much you have to learn, but also courage to go and try something even if you don't have it all figured out.
More often than not, living out your ideals will look very ordinary and you may feel like you're not doing very much. But in being counter-cultural day-in and day-out, you are extraordinary. And as a community of people - in your neighborhood and around the world - doing many small, ordinary things, little by little we are changing the world. It may not be as grand as you imagine, but it does matter.
To do any of this, though, community is essential. Messiah students, you'll chuckle, but it's really true. You can't live out your ideals alone. It's hard, doing community as imperfect people in a messy world. But it is totally and completely worth it - and if you don't have a good community, nothing much else matters. As much as jobs and other things have transitioned over the past year for me, it has been my community (near and far) which has remained constant. Find people who share your ideals, who will stand beside you, laugh and cry with you, live out your dreams with you, and sit with you in the questions.
You're gonna be alright :) Life on the other side is good.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
My "Blind Side"
I just saw "The Blind Side", and it blew me away. I'm always very impacted by movies and stories, but this one was particularly meaningful because it was a true story. It was inspiring, but real. It wasn't a perfect story, but it was a hopeful story. It showcased one success story, but didn't pretend that this wasn't the exception instead of the rule. It was solid. It was sassy. It was gritty. It was funny. It was REAL. And I think that's what I appreciated most about it.
Now I am filled with so many emotions. Joy - for the success of this young man and his new family. Sadness - for all those who won't have the same chances, and whose lives will be cut short. And more than anything else, it leaves me with an overwhelming sense of wanting to do and be more. What would it look like for me to practice radical hospitality like this family did? What kind of community could I be a part of where this would not only be possible but supported?
I'm in this place where I am constantly wanting to do more in so many ways, but feel limited by my current commitments. I deeply value the things that I am doing now, but it often seems so small and insignificant. At times like this my heart just cries out - to do something bigger and more meaningful. How do I become part of this neighborhood and really invest here? How do I practice radical community living? What do I do with my dream of buying and rehabbing a house? How can I learn more, grow more? How do I fulfill this cry of my heart?
Being confronted by my own inadequacies is hard when I'm so full of passion. But passion isn't enough. Change takes commitment and perseverance, time and energy. Although I know I fall short in so many ways, I take some comfort in a quote that's painted on the fence around the Allison Hill mural. It says: "Courage doesn't always roar - sometimes it's the quiet voice that says 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Give me that kind of courage, God. Amen.
Now I am filled with so many emotions. Joy - for the success of this young man and his new family. Sadness - for all those who won't have the same chances, and whose lives will be cut short. And more than anything else, it leaves me with an overwhelming sense of wanting to do and be more. What would it look like for me to practice radical hospitality like this family did? What kind of community could I be a part of where this would not only be possible but supported?
I'm in this place where I am constantly wanting to do more in so many ways, but feel limited by my current commitments. I deeply value the things that I am doing now, but it often seems so small and insignificant. At times like this my heart just cries out - to do something bigger and more meaningful. How do I become part of this neighborhood and really invest here? How do I practice radical community living? What do I do with my dream of buying and rehabbing a house? How can I learn more, grow more? How do I fulfill this cry of my heart?
Being confronted by my own inadequacies is hard when I'm so full of passion. But passion isn't enough. Change takes commitment and perseverance, time and energy. Although I know I fall short in so many ways, I take some comfort in a quote that's painted on the fence around the Allison Hill mural. It says: "Courage doesn't always roar - sometimes it's the quiet voice that says 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Give me that kind of courage, God. Amen.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
What's next?
That's the question that's been on my mind this week. People tell me that I'm good at living in the present and not worrying too much about the future. And that's been true until recently, when I've been forced to think about what's next for me.
It's funny because in some ways I feel like I'm right back where I was at this time last year - trying to figure out what to do after May when I leave Messiah. In a lot of ways, though, it is an entirely different situation. I have learned and grown a lot in this first year out of college, and some things have been established that will not change. I am committed to my community here, my neighborhood on Allison Hill, and the city of Harrisburg for the foreseeable future - rooted to a sense of people and place.
Yet my sense of vocation is still very-much ambiguous. If anything, it has broadened in the last year even while I have gained more specific experience. And at this juncture, it is almost harder to discern. Last spring I had some very specific ideas about what I wanted to do, none of which I actually ended up doing. Now, I have developed a good sense of my passions and skills more broadly, but am quite unclear how that will translate into actual jobs that are available.
All I know is this. I want to fight injustices however I can, and have a particular passion for racism, poverty, education, healthcare, and urban issues. I possess the gifts of leadership, administration, and teaching. I love being an educator and communicator to challenge, inform, and persuade people. I love being an administrator and program manager, assessing and improving programs and organizing people and resources around a particular goal. Too often these types of roles are divorced from eachother, but I want to bring them together to change people AND change policies. I want to bring stake-holders together to work on solutions, and teach and empower people to make things happen.
Basically, I want the best of both worlds. Maybe it's too much to ask, and I don't know what it would look like, but that is where I am. It's a confusing place to be, and I wish there were more clarity and direction. I don't know where I'm going...but I guess I'll know when I get there.
One of the songs on my playlist right now is "Dreams" by The Cranberries:
Oh, my life is changing everyday,
In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.
I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.
Ah, la da ah...
La...
I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.
It's funny because in some ways I feel like I'm right back where I was at this time last year - trying to figure out what to do after May when I leave Messiah. In a lot of ways, though, it is an entirely different situation. I have learned and grown a lot in this first year out of college, and some things have been established that will not change. I am committed to my community here, my neighborhood on Allison Hill, and the city of Harrisburg for the foreseeable future - rooted to a sense of people and place.
Yet my sense of vocation is still very-much ambiguous. If anything, it has broadened in the last year even while I have gained more specific experience. And at this juncture, it is almost harder to discern. Last spring I had some very specific ideas about what I wanted to do, none of which I actually ended up doing. Now, I have developed a good sense of my passions and skills more broadly, but am quite unclear how that will translate into actual jobs that are available.
All I know is this. I want to fight injustices however I can, and have a particular passion for racism, poverty, education, healthcare, and urban issues. I possess the gifts of leadership, administration, and teaching. I love being an educator and communicator to challenge, inform, and persuade people. I love being an administrator and program manager, assessing and improving programs and organizing people and resources around a particular goal. Too often these types of roles are divorced from eachother, but I want to bring them together to change people AND change policies. I want to bring stake-holders together to work on solutions, and teach and empower people to make things happen.
Basically, I want the best of both worlds. Maybe it's too much to ask, and I don't know what it would look like, but that is where I am. It's a confusing place to be, and I wish there were more clarity and direction. I don't know where I'm going...but I guess I'll know when I get there.
One of the songs on my playlist right now is "Dreams" by The Cranberries:
Oh, my life is changing everyday,
In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.
I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.
Ah, la da ah...
La...
I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
In anticipation of Lent...
Ash Wednesday is approaching, and I find myself in excited anticipation for this season of Lent. I deeply value times set aside for reflection, discipline, and growth and that is what I have found this season to be.
It is a time of preparation leading up to Easter when we have the opportunity to stop and re-evaluate where we are, and focus intentionally on how we would like to change. Specifically, fasting from those things in our lives that hold us back from growing in our relationship with God.
Through reflection over the past few weeks, I have decided to fast from TV shows and other things in my life that serve as distractions. I've become more cognizant of the fact that when I am exhausted after work or have had a rough day, I tend towards escapism - which often manifests itself in watching an episode of a TV show online. I justify this to myself, saying that "I just need to forget about life right now" or "I just need to do something mindless for awhile". But really I am shutting down and trying to escape from my reality, which I don't think is a healthy response. So during Lent this year I am going to be intentional about processing through what is going on rather than gravitating towards entertainment.
But Lent is about adding more than subtracting, and so as I remove time spent "escaping" I will be focused on replacing that with time spent engaging with God and growing in Him. Dedicating daily time to prayer, reading, and meditation has always been hard for me, but I am excited for this opportunity to make a renewed effort. I am a person who likes structure, so I have made some "well-planned steps" (as Henri Nowen puts it) as a way to create discipline. Although ideally we should "pray without ceasing", realistically I've identified several key times during the day when I can pause and focus on God. I am excited about following the Lenten readings...I've come to value the words and litanies of others more as of late, and eager to learn from them.
So these are my hopes for this season...what are yours? My prayer is that God will guide us in drawing closer to Him, and being molded into the people He desires us to be.
It is a time of preparation leading up to Easter when we have the opportunity to stop and re-evaluate where we are, and focus intentionally on how we would like to change. Specifically, fasting from those things in our lives that hold us back from growing in our relationship with God.
Through reflection over the past few weeks, I have decided to fast from TV shows and other things in my life that serve as distractions. I've become more cognizant of the fact that when I am exhausted after work or have had a rough day, I tend towards escapism - which often manifests itself in watching an episode of a TV show online. I justify this to myself, saying that "I just need to forget about life right now" or "I just need to do something mindless for awhile". But really I am shutting down and trying to escape from my reality, which I don't think is a healthy response. So during Lent this year I am going to be intentional about processing through what is going on rather than gravitating towards entertainment.
But Lent is about adding more than subtracting, and so as I remove time spent "escaping" I will be focused on replacing that with time spent engaging with God and growing in Him. Dedicating daily time to prayer, reading, and meditation has always been hard for me, but I am excited for this opportunity to make a renewed effort. I am a person who likes structure, so I have made some "well-planned steps" (as Henri Nowen puts it) as a way to create discipline. Although ideally we should "pray without ceasing", realistically I've identified several key times during the day when I can pause and focus on God. I am excited about following the Lenten readings...I've come to value the words and litanies of others more as of late, and eager to learn from them.
So these are my hopes for this season...what are yours? My prayer is that God will guide us in drawing closer to Him, and being molded into the people He desires us to be.
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