What's next?

That's the question that's been on my mind this week. People tell me that I'm good at living in the present and not worrying too much about the future. And that's been true until recently, when I've been forced to think about what's next for me.

It's funny because in some ways I feel like I'm right back where I was at this time last year - trying to figure out what to do after May when I leave Messiah. In a lot of ways, though, it is an entirely different situation. I have learned and grown a lot in this first year out of college, and some things have been established that will not change. I am committed to my community here, my neighborhood on Allison Hill, and the city of Harrisburg for the foreseeable future - rooted to a sense of people and place.

Yet my sense of vocation is still very-much ambiguous. If anything, it has broadened in the last year even while I have gained more specific experience. And at this juncture, it is almost harder to discern. Last spring I had some very specific ideas about what I wanted to do, none of which I actually ended up doing. Now, I have developed a good sense of my passions and skills more broadly, but am quite unclear how that will translate into actual jobs that are available.

All I know is this. I want to fight injustices however I can, and have a particular passion for racism, poverty, education, healthcare, and urban issues. I possess the gifts of leadership, administration, and teaching. I love being an educator and communicator to challenge, inform, and persuade people. I love being an administrator and program manager, assessing and improving programs and organizing people and resources around a particular goal. Too often these types of roles are divorced from eachother, but I want to bring them together to change people AND change policies. I want to bring stake-holders together to work on solutions, and teach and empower people to make things happen.

Basically, I want the best of both worlds. Maybe it's too much to ask, and I don't know what it would look like, but that is where I am. It's a confusing place to be, and I wish there were more clarity and direction. I don't know where I'm going...but I guess I'll know when I get there.

One of the songs on my playlist right now is "Dreams" by The Cranberries:

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...
La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.