Choosing Freedom.

I was struck by my pastor's sermon today, which focused on living a redeemed life. He talked about how we are often so aware of our brokenness and our wounds that we can get stuck in them, and never allow ourselves to move past that to fully embrace the freedom Christ offers. While self-awareness and reflection are certainly crucial as we work through our own particular struggles, I believe there is wisdom in seeing that there must be that next step of finally leaving those things behind in order to truly live in redemption.

For me, my struggle for a long time has been this deep "wound" of feeling alone, abandoned, unloved. Even as I write these words, it sounds like a broken record because I have felt stuck in this place for so long. In recent weeks and months I feel like I have made some progress, slowly but surely learning to appreciate and enjoy time alone, and rediscovering the things that are life-giving for me. In some ways it feels like it is constructing a new way of life - one that still allows lots of space for people but is not so dependent on them, instead rooted in my belovedness and purpose in God.

I don't pretend that I am "fixed" or that this struggle is completely behind me - there is plenty of regression to old patterns that makes forward progress slow, yet forward nonetheless. But I am ready to turn off this broken record, to embrace and claim freedom from that which has trapped me. I realized today that staying in that place has not only caused me a lot of pain, but it has also held me back from being completely who God is calling me to be, and from being able to do the work of building the Kingdom.

This is a wound that I have been comfortable with for way too long, and have allowed to control so much of my life. I don't want it to be my "crutch" any longer - I want to walk (and dance!) in freedom. My pastor's challenge today was to walk out of the doors as a redeemed person - embracing and believing that God changes us, and living as a changed person in light of that. Redemption for me is living in freedom. Freedom borne of knowing and believing that I am deeply and unconditionally loved. Freedom that allows me to love others deeply yet without fear of abandonment. Freedom to care for others with no strings attached. Freedom to invest myself in the things that are important to me without wondering if I will be the only one. Freedom to enjoy the little things in life without needing anyone else to share them with. Freedom to hold the uncertainties of the future with open hands. Freedom to readily see and recognize all of the gifts that are present in my life right now. Freedom to be happy by myself - while still being surrounded by a community of people who care.

So today, I choose freedom - and I pray that I will grow in that as I strive to keep choosing it every single day.