What's next?

That's the question that's been on my mind this week. People tell me that I'm good at living in the present and not worrying too much about the future. And that's been true until recently, when I've been forced to think about what's next for me.

It's funny because in some ways I feel like I'm right back where I was at this time last year - trying to figure out what to do after May when I leave Messiah. In a lot of ways, though, it is an entirely different situation. I have learned and grown a lot in this first year out of college, and some things have been established that will not change. I am committed to my community here, my neighborhood on Allison Hill, and the city of Harrisburg for the foreseeable future - rooted to a sense of people and place.

Yet my sense of vocation is still very-much ambiguous. If anything, it has broadened in the last year even while I have gained more specific experience. And at this juncture, it is almost harder to discern. Last spring I had some very specific ideas about what I wanted to do, none of which I actually ended up doing. Now, I have developed a good sense of my passions and skills more broadly, but am quite unclear how that will translate into actual jobs that are available.

All I know is this. I want to fight injustices however I can, and have a particular passion for racism, poverty, education, healthcare, and urban issues. I possess the gifts of leadership, administration, and teaching. I love being an educator and communicator to challenge, inform, and persuade people. I love being an administrator and program manager, assessing and improving programs and organizing people and resources around a particular goal. Too often these types of roles are divorced from eachother, but I want to bring them together to change people AND change policies. I want to bring stake-holders together to work on solutions, and teach and empower people to make things happen.

Basically, I want the best of both worlds. Maybe it's too much to ask, and I don't know what it would look like, but that is where I am. It's a confusing place to be, and I wish there were more clarity and direction. I don't know where I'm going...but I guess I'll know when I get there.

One of the songs on my playlist right now is "Dreams" by The Cranberries:

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...
La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

In anticipation of Lent...

Ash Wednesday is approaching, and I find myself in excited anticipation for this season of Lent. I deeply value times set aside for reflection, discipline, and growth and that is what I have found this season to be.

It is a time of preparation leading up to Easter when we have the opportunity to stop and re-evaluate where we are, and focus intentionally on how we would like to change. Specifically, fasting from those things in our lives that hold us back from growing in our relationship with God.

Through reflection over the past few weeks, I have decided to fast from TV shows and other things in my life that serve as distractions. I've become more cognizant of the fact that when I am exhausted after work or have had a rough day, I tend towards escapism - which often manifests itself in watching an episode of a TV show online. I justify this to myself, saying that "I just need to forget about life right now" or "I just need to do something mindless for awhile". But really I am shutting down and trying to escape from my reality, which I don't think is a healthy response. So during Lent this year I am going to be intentional about processing through what is going on rather than gravitating towards entertainment.

But Lent is about adding more than subtracting, and so as I remove time spent "escaping" I will be focused on replacing that with time spent engaging with God and growing in Him. Dedicating daily time to prayer, reading, and meditation has always been hard for me, but I am excited for this opportunity to make a renewed effort. I am a person who likes structure, so I have made some "well-planned steps" (as Henri Nowen puts it) as a way to create discipline. Although ideally we should "pray without ceasing", realistically I've identified several key times during the day when I can pause and focus on God. I am excited about following the Lenten readings...I've come to value the words and litanies of others more as of late, and eager to learn from them.

So these are my hopes for this season...what are yours? My prayer is that God will guide us in drawing closer to Him, and being molded into the people He desires us to be.

This is my single status, my declaration of independance...

Transport yourself to New England, 1954, where the brightest women in the country go to school at Wesley - and prepare for lives as the next generation of wives and mothers. Higher education does not translate into career - it's merely a time of preparation before the ladies get their rings and "Mrs.". This is the world that Katherine Ann Watson (Julia Roberts) enters in "Mona Lisa Smile".

I liked Julia Roberts' character because she was a rebel - refusing to conform to the expectations of that time and place, and trying to teach her students that there can be more to life than getting married and having babies. Although much has changed for the better in the last 50 years, these expectations of being a wife and a mother - and now having a career - are still very-much alive. Why is it shocking to people that I don't necessarily want to get married or have children? Why must I explain to people my single status? Pop culture is in love with being in love, and even Christian culture is very marriage- and family-oriented. Some things that irk me:

The Facebook ads that forever pop up asking me if I want a boyfriend or telling me where to meet nice Christian men - just because my profile lists me as "single".

The fact that every time I turn on the radio, all I ever hear are songs of varying forms on the same theme - "I love you, baby" "I'm lost without you" "I need you more and more" "I want you back" "don't break my heart", etc.

And don't even get me started on chick flicks! Aside from the ridiculous scenarios of meeting and courting and the short time lapses between the main characters meeting, falling in love, and sleeping together and/or getting married, I am bothered by the general glorification of romantic relationships where all you need is eachother and you live "happily ever after". It feeds this desire for women to find that perfect guy who meets all of their needs - setting up unrealistic expectations and creating discontentment.

At every turn we are told that it is not ok to be single - this is just some kind of holding area as we bide our time until "Mr. Right" comes along. We are not complete, we are not whole, we are not all that we can be without a "significant other". What does it say about our society when an 8-year-old girl tells me that she feels sorry for me because I don't have a boyfriend? I feel sorry for her for being taught that she is not complete without one.

Now let me pause and clarify that I am not totally against love and relationships and marriage - I have many friends who are married, engaged, dating, etc. and I am honestly and sincerely happy for them, and I can see what a beautiful thing they have. I also see some of the hard parts of it. But what I resist is the notion that that is the only thing that there is to strive for.

I want to live in a society where my single status is not pitied, but celebrated. I am independent, with few responsibilities and much time and passion to throw into whatever I am doing. I have wonderful friends and faith communities to share with, laugh with, and draw support from. I don't need a relationship. Honestly, I don't want a relationship. And I certainly don't need anyone's pity.

To close my little rant, here's the song that's been my anthem - Natasha Bedingfield's "Single":

I'm not waiting around for a man to save me
('Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me... whole

Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm trading places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I'm gonna be

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

Let us turn our thoughts today to Martin Luther King...

...And recognize that there are ties between us
All men and women
Living on the earth
Ties of hope and love
Sister and brotherhood
That we are bound together
In our desire to see the world become
A place in which our children
Can grow free and strong
We are bound together
By the task that stands before us
And the road that lies ahead
We are bound and we are bound

-James Taylor "Shed a Little Light"

For the past number of weeks and months, much of my work has centered around preparing for Martin Luther King Day, Messiah's day to engage students in learning, serving, and reflecting on how the legacy of Dr. King is being lived out in Harrisburg today. Today was the day, and everything went wonderfully, but only now am I able to personally reflect on the significance of this day. I've been so caught up in seating arrangements and making sure we have enough cups and finding the right budget codes that only now that it's all over can I fully appreciate what this is all about.

It's about planting the seeds that will one day grow, and watering seeds that are already planted. It's about seeing students who are just being exposed to ideas of justice and service start to ask questions, and seeing students who have developed deep and thoughtful insights share those with others.

It's about honoring our Community Partners, individuals and organizations in the community that are working tirelessly everyday, living out Dr. King's vision of equality and justice in very tangible ways.

And it's about stepping back to think about the big picture - to recognize the great life and work of Dr. King and so many others who have gone before us. Re-reading some of Dr. King's speeches still gives me the chills - someone so passionate and so eloquent and so effective in rallying people around this cause so dear to his heart. Although his life was cut tragically short, it is his legacy that lives on.

And if we want to truly honor Dr. King today, then we must challenge ourselves to see how we can be living out his vision in our daily lives. There are so many injustices in our world that's it's easy to become numb to it all. But although we can't solve all the problems of the world, God has placed within us certain passions, gifts, and abilities in order to serve his kingdom. It is our job to explore how we can use there in our particular place in this particular time. May God help us in this endeavor...

2010: Goals to Guide Me

Although I don't make New Year's Resolutions per se, I do make goals for the New Year. I like the feeling of having a new beginning, a fresh start to make some changes. I've been pondering what these should be for 2010, and these are what I've felt are important things to focus on in the New Year.

1) Being more honest in expressing my needs and wants to others.

One thing that I've noticed about myself over the past several years is that I am not good at telling other people what I need or want. This became clear to me most recently over Christmas break, when I knew that I needed alone time to function. But instead of communicating this to my family, I let myself be sucked into their busyness without taking a break - which resulted in me being resentful of them and acting like a jerk. I've seen this as a pattern for myself, and I don't like it. My personality is such that I don't want to put anyone out, and I avoid conflict like the plague. So instead of bringing up my own need or want, I will just suppress it. It doesn't help that passive-aggressiveness has been modeled for me growing up, so when I do finally express something that I need or want it's often not direct but passive-aggressive. This is something that I want to unlearn, but it feels like I'm trying to go against the very grain of my being. But I think intentionally working towards more honesty and directness in what I need and want will create healthier relationships with my family, my roommates, my co-workers, and my friends - and decrease my frustrations.

2) Being more accepting of who I am in my role at work.

Although I love my job, at times it's easy to feel insecure in my role. I know that I can do the job and do it well, but as an introvert there are times when my personality seems to be working against me, and I fall into comparing myself to others. I don't have an outgoing and "fun" personality that immediately puts people at ease. It can be difficult to make my voice heard in meetings because I need time to process, and because I don't like to interrupt. And I'm afraid people think I'm awkward at times when conversations are not effortless. But I do bring a lot of strengths to this position as an introvert - carefully analyzing and processing things, asking good questions and listening well, and offering meaningful insights when I do speak up. So my goal is to find a healthy balance between stretching myself in ways that are helpful for my job, and being comfortable with who I am and how I work - not trying to be someone I'm not.

3) Make my relationship with God a priority.

To be honest, I've been really lax in spending time with God in the last few months. It always seems to go in seasons for me - I was doing really well with quiet times during Lent last year and into the summer, but once I started my job, mornings just did not work anymore, and I haven't found a good time. Or really, I haven't made it a priority to find a good time. What bothers me most is that I really haven't been very bothered by this - but I do feel like something important is missing. So in the New Year I am praying that God will give me both the desire and the discipline to spend regular time with Him - and a good mix of structure and creativity to grow in my relationship with Him. If I'm not strong in this, nothing else really matters much...

So these are the big things that I want to give particular attention to in this New Year. There are lots of other things that I want to do too - keep up with the news better, read more, get more involved in the neighborhood, practice hospitality more, get better at cleaning and getting rid of stuff. But I don't want to get too ambitious :) And a lot of these things depend on how busy things are at work, which determines how much time and energy I have left. So I hope that I can do a decent job at balancing everything this year - while also recognizing that I am a finite human being living with a limited amount of time and energy :)

So friends, keep me accountable! And take some time to think about what your goals are for 2010...

2009: The Year in Review

Last night I counted down the seconds to midnight on Second St, watched the giant strawberry drop from the Hilton, and cheered as the fireworks went off. But although it was fun to usher in 2010 with much celebration, I feel the need to stop and reflect before moving into the New Year.

I would say 2009 was marked most by transition and by community. I graduated college, moved out on my own, worked part-time over the summer, and then jumped into this job at Messiah in August. A lot of big changes to take place within a short amount of time!

But amidst all of that, this year I would say I have felt the most community. Living in SoJo for my last semester was the most supported I have ever felt - which is fortunate because that last semester is also the most stressed that I've ever been :) Living with two wonderful friends after graduation has been such a blessing, as I am constantly reminded of. And throughout all of this, I have my church communities, my small group, and others who offer love and support.

I would say that this year also was clearly marked by God's provision. I have basically an ideal living situation, a great landlord right next door, a job that I love and am good at, and COMMUNITY all around me. Not that life is perfect - there are difficulties and frustrations as always - but I really couldn't have imagined a better situation for myself. Thank you, God!

As I move into the New Year, there are a lot of question marks, but I can rest assured that whatever comes my way, He will continue to provide...

The changing of the seasons...

Lately, I have been contemplating how the seasons are clearly changing. With each tree turning brilliant colors, with each "crunch" of the leaves under my feet, with each chill from a brisk wind, I am reminded that summer is over - it is indeed fall now.

This recognition of the outward changing of the seasons seems appropriate, as in many ways it mirrors the changing of the seasons in my own life. I have been at my job at the Agape Center for about a month and a half now, and after the insanity of the first few weeks, I have settled comfortably into the position. (For those who don't know, I was hired as the Interim Coordinator of Local Community Service the end of August.)

Summer was a much-needed rest, with flexible days and opportunities to do a variety of things with my time. But towards the end I was ready for something new, and I was so blessed to have this opportunity at the Agape Center to throw myself into this fall. The majority of my time and energy now go into my work there, but I love what I am doing. Of course there are moments that are frustrating or tiring, but I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be right now, and I am so grateful.

So this season, for me, is marked by many good things. Meeting with our student leaders and supporting them in their work. Brainstorming about how we can train and equip volunteers better for service. Having fun with the wonderful and quirky set of people I work with :) I'm learning what it means to be a "professional" and figuring out what that looks like for me. Make-up and heals have become a regular part of my wardrobe, in my attempt to look older than the students :)

But even as many things have changed for me, the most important parts of my life have remained constant. The love and support of church communities. Good conversations with roomies and friends. Time spent playing with kids. These are the things that sustain me, and I know that no matter what job I have, they will always be there.

As an "interim" I don't know how long this season will last, and when or what I will transition to next, but I am embracing it and giving it all I've got!