2010: Goals to Guide Me

Although I don't make New Year's Resolutions per se, I do make goals for the New Year. I like the feeling of having a new beginning, a fresh start to make some changes. I've been pondering what these should be for 2010, and these are what I've felt are important things to focus on in the New Year.

1) Being more honest in expressing my needs and wants to others.

One thing that I've noticed about myself over the past several years is that I am not good at telling other people what I need or want. This became clear to me most recently over Christmas break, when I knew that I needed alone time to function. But instead of communicating this to my family, I let myself be sucked into their busyness without taking a break - which resulted in me being resentful of them and acting like a jerk. I've seen this as a pattern for myself, and I don't like it. My personality is such that I don't want to put anyone out, and I avoid conflict like the plague. So instead of bringing up my own need or want, I will just suppress it. It doesn't help that passive-aggressiveness has been modeled for me growing up, so when I do finally express something that I need or want it's often not direct but passive-aggressive. This is something that I want to unlearn, but it feels like I'm trying to go against the very grain of my being. But I think intentionally working towards more honesty and directness in what I need and want will create healthier relationships with my family, my roommates, my co-workers, and my friends - and decrease my frustrations.

2) Being more accepting of who I am in my role at work.

Although I love my job, at times it's easy to feel insecure in my role. I know that I can do the job and do it well, but as an introvert there are times when my personality seems to be working against me, and I fall into comparing myself to others. I don't have an outgoing and "fun" personality that immediately puts people at ease. It can be difficult to make my voice heard in meetings because I need time to process, and because I don't like to interrupt. And I'm afraid people think I'm awkward at times when conversations are not effortless. But I do bring a lot of strengths to this position as an introvert - carefully analyzing and processing things, asking good questions and listening well, and offering meaningful insights when I do speak up. So my goal is to find a healthy balance between stretching myself in ways that are helpful for my job, and being comfortable with who I am and how I work - not trying to be someone I'm not.

3) Make my relationship with God a priority.

To be honest, I've been really lax in spending time with God in the last few months. It always seems to go in seasons for me - I was doing really well with quiet times during Lent last year and into the summer, but once I started my job, mornings just did not work anymore, and I haven't found a good time. Or really, I haven't made it a priority to find a good time. What bothers me most is that I really haven't been very bothered by this - but I do feel like something important is missing. So in the New Year I am praying that God will give me both the desire and the discipline to spend regular time with Him - and a good mix of structure and creativity to grow in my relationship with Him. If I'm not strong in this, nothing else really matters much...

So these are the big things that I want to give particular attention to in this New Year. There are lots of other things that I want to do too - keep up with the news better, read more, get more involved in the neighborhood, practice hospitality more, get better at cleaning and getting rid of stuff. But I don't want to get too ambitious :) And a lot of these things depend on how busy things are at work, which determines how much time and energy I have left. So I hope that I can do a decent job at balancing everything this year - while also recognizing that I am a finite human being living with a limited amount of time and energy :)

So friends, keep me accountable! And take some time to think about what your goals are for 2010...

2009: The Year in Review

Last night I counted down the seconds to midnight on Second St, watched the giant strawberry drop from the Hilton, and cheered as the fireworks went off. But although it was fun to usher in 2010 with much celebration, I feel the need to stop and reflect before moving into the New Year.

I would say 2009 was marked most by transition and by community. I graduated college, moved out on my own, worked part-time over the summer, and then jumped into this job at Messiah in August. A lot of big changes to take place within a short amount of time!

But amidst all of that, this year I would say I have felt the most community. Living in SoJo for my last semester was the most supported I have ever felt - which is fortunate because that last semester is also the most stressed that I've ever been :) Living with two wonderful friends after graduation has been such a blessing, as I am constantly reminded of. And throughout all of this, I have my church communities, my small group, and others who offer love and support.

I would say that this year also was clearly marked by God's provision. I have basically an ideal living situation, a great landlord right next door, a job that I love and am good at, and COMMUNITY all around me. Not that life is perfect - there are difficulties and frustrations as always - but I really couldn't have imagined a better situation for myself. Thank you, God!

As I move into the New Year, there are a lot of question marks, but I can rest assured that whatever comes my way, He will continue to provide...

The changing of the seasons...

Lately, I have been contemplating how the seasons are clearly changing. With each tree turning brilliant colors, with each "crunch" of the leaves under my feet, with each chill from a brisk wind, I am reminded that summer is over - it is indeed fall now.

This recognition of the outward changing of the seasons seems appropriate, as in many ways it mirrors the changing of the seasons in my own life. I have been at my job at the Agape Center for about a month and a half now, and after the insanity of the first few weeks, I have settled comfortably into the position. (For those who don't know, I was hired as the Interim Coordinator of Local Community Service the end of August.)

Summer was a much-needed rest, with flexible days and opportunities to do a variety of things with my time. But towards the end I was ready for something new, and I was so blessed to have this opportunity at the Agape Center to throw myself into this fall. The majority of my time and energy now go into my work there, but I love what I am doing. Of course there are moments that are frustrating or tiring, but I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be right now, and I am so grateful.

So this season, for me, is marked by many good things. Meeting with our student leaders and supporting them in their work. Brainstorming about how we can train and equip volunteers better for service. Having fun with the wonderful and quirky set of people I work with :) I'm learning what it means to be a "professional" and figuring out what that looks like for me. Make-up and heals have become a regular part of my wardrobe, in my attempt to look older than the students :)

But even as many things have changed for me, the most important parts of my life have remained constant. The love and support of church communities. Good conversations with roomies and friends. Time spent playing with kids. These are the things that sustain me, and I know that no matter what job I have, they will always be there.

As an "interim" I don't know how long this season will last, and when or what I will transition to next, but I am embracing it and giving it all I've got!

Give me your eyes, God...

I rediscovered a song today that really hit home in light of the things that I've been processing through with my neighborhood. It's called "Give me your eyes" by Brandon Heath, and this is my prayer as I walk through my neighborhood each day - the song for my journey right now...

"Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

(Chorus)

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah

"Streetwise"

The end of this month will mark the fourth month that I have lived "on the Hill" here in Harrisburg. Oddly enough, though, this last week or so has been one of the most challenging for me, bringing up many questions for me to wrestle with about how I interact with this neighborhood and its people.

Principle among these questions has been an issue of respect - why can't I walk down the street and be acknowledged as a human being instead of treated like an object by so many of the men here? From the beginning I knew that I would have to deal with rude comments from men, and resolved to brush them off. My first rule of interaction, though, was that I wouldn't ignore the people or look past them as I had been accustomed to before - at the very least I would make eye contact, recognizing them as human beings.

However, when so many of my attempts to acknowledge men as I pass them have been met with derisive comments, I begin to rethink my strategy. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I have felt systematically disrespected here despite my best efforts, and this week something in me snapped. For the first time I was really angry at my neighborhood and the segment of people who have repeatedly violated me. This no longer seemed like a diverse and welcoming place, but a hostile environment that I must navigate at my peril.

Unfortunately, my first reaction was to break my own rule and completely ignore every man I encountered on the street. I tried that for a day, and although I succeeded in avoiding unwelcome comments, it only fueled the anger and resentment that I was feeling.

Fortunately, my second reaction was to explore why. I know that I am living in a culture that is vastly different from my own, and I recognized that rather than resist that culture with all my might, it would be more productive and ultimately helpful to seek to understand it instead.

So yesterday I biked to Midtown Scholar's new bookstore, and lost myself in their Sociology section for hours. And I found exactly the kind of book that I needed right now - "Streetwise" by Elijah Anderson. He's an African-American sociologist who has done a lot of work in Philly, and gave very practical insights into how "the streets" operate and what signals and body language are used to navigate them effectively. I was hooked, and finished the entire book yesterday!

It was not only extremely insightful, but very convicting for me. He makes the distinction between "street etiquette", which applies rules of interaction broadly based on stereotypes, and "street wisdom", which recognizes people as individuals and tailors interactions accordingly. I realized that I was guilty of using "street etiquette" - I had created rules for how to interact with different types of people, and so when I encountered people on the street I did not see them, but rather I saw their race, their gender, their age and fit them into one of the categories I had created in my head to program a response. Granted, these programmed responses were based on my past experiences, but they were prejudiced nonetheless and wrong.

I want to become "streetwise" as the author calls it - not sticking to rigid rules based on crudely constructed stereotypes, but encountering people as individuals, treating them as people, and allowing for the possibility of a genuine interaction. After all, if I cannot see them as a human being not defined by their race, gender, and age, how can I expect them to do the same for me?

In reading my Bible this morning, I was also convicted that I have not really been loving people here like I should - like Jesus would. I've been loving my neighbors who are easy to love, but writing off those who are too difficult. I pray now that God will forgive me for this, and give me the "Agape" love that he has for the people of Allison Hill - so that I may truly love those who I encounter here.

This is what it's all about

There are moments in life when things suddenly crystallize for you, and it suddenly becomes clear why you're doing what you're doing. I had such a moment tonight. It had been a stressful day - only my fourth day in my new job at the Agape Center - and by this evening I was feeling drained. I hadn't gotten everything done that I had hoped to, unexpected problems had come up that I had to deal with, and even though I was doing the Harrisburg tour - one of my favorite things - I was burdened with feelings of inadequacy.

All of the things that I wish I had done better were running through my head as we gathered at the end of the night to reflect on our day. It was obvious that everyone was tired, and I thought "sharing time" would be like pulling teeth. But it wasn't. Student after student, with barely a pause, voiced something meaningful about their day. Many of them shared about something that had impacted them from the Harrisburg tour - seeing true community amidst the brokenness in Allison Hill, having the experience of getting out of the cars and engaging with people, appreciating the really beautiful art that is everywhere, learning about the different parts of the city and the inequalities, discovering that there really are fun things to do here, and on and on.

As they spoke, I was moved - this was hands-down the most meaningful part of my day. Although I didn't say that out-loud, this made all of the stress of preparing for the tour absolutely worth it. This is why I'm here - to introduce students to a place and ideas and a lifestyle that means so much to me. Although I often fall short of my own expectations, this is what it's all about - what students are experiencing and learning. My work is producing fruit, but really it isn't about me at all. The words of Oscar Romero speak to this so eloquently, and I take comfort in them:

"It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own."

AMEN.

Finding encouragement...

Lately it's been easy for me to get discouraged. The job search often seems to be going nowhere. The State Budget isn't getting much closer to being passed. It continues to be challenging to get to know our neighbors. I find myself too tired sometimes to exert the effort to reach out. My efforts at hospitality and building relationships don't always turn out the way I hope. I don't seem to have enough time to do everything that I want to, and end up feeling pulled in too many directions. Sometimes I feel like I've failed my ideals.

But every time these things bring me down, God finds a way to bring encouragement and lift me up. Spontaneous dinner with Agape Center friends. Play-time with the little boys next door. An elaborate African meal with our wonderful and talkative neighbor from Burkina Faso. Late night chats with my amazing roomies. Beautiful sunsets and gentle breezes. Unexpected naps. Joyous bike rides along the river. These are the things that give me life here. And most days the encouragements outweigh the discouragements - thank you, God.