Songs for my journey...

Moving from fear to love...

2012-01-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

I realized today why it is I struggle so much with the feeling of being "left out". It's something that's been part of me my whole life, and has to do with my need for belonging and my wounds related to that, but it goes even deeper than that. At its very core, it is a fear - a fear of being loved less, of being pushed aside, overlooked, abandoned. That is what I am afraid of more than anything else in the world - of that loss of relationship, of that deep aloneness. That's why I can alternate between clinging and distancing myself - defenses mechanisms that I gravitate towards, the first to prevent loss, the second to protect from hurt.

But I cannot live from a place of fear - it's a prison that traps me, and from which I act reactively and compulsively. But love is the opposite of fear - and I long for the freedom of living out of God's love rather than being controlled by my own fear.

Henri Nowen speaks to this:

"Throughout the Gospel, we hear, 'Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid, it is I. Fear is not of God. I am the God of love, a God who invites you to receive - and to let go of your fears so that you can start sharing what you are so afraid to let go of.' The invitation of Christ is the invitation to move out of the house of fear and into the house of love; to move away out of that place of imprisonment into a place of freedom."

This is my prayer, that a shift from dwelling in a place of fear to a place of love will happen in my heart, which only God can do. And this is the song that's speaking to me...

"By Your Side" - Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Letting Go of Control...and Learning to Trust

2011-11-28T07:49:00.000-08:00

I am a control freak. I think I've always known this, but yesterday's sermon on "Confessions of a Control Freak" really hit home for me. I want to have some semblence of control over the important things in my life - a very human thing, to be sure. But I spend a lot of energy trying to get or maintain that feeling of control, and end up creating a lot of anxiety for myself. I hate the feeling of everything spinning out of control, being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do - and my tendency is to do everything in my power to fight against that.

But the truth is, I'm not in control. Let me repeat that, for myself: I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I can't control whether work will be slow or crazy or exhausting. I can't control the relationships in my life or my family. I can't control schedules (mine or other people's). I can't even control my moods or how I'm feeling most of the time.

It's a scary thing to admit this, but recognizing that we're not in control gives us a choice. Do I cling tightly, trying to make things go the way I want by sheer force of will? Or do I hold everything with open hands, releasing my compulsion to control and resting in the knowledge that there is One who loves me who is guiding each piece of my life and the lives of those around me? Clinging is the natural response, but trying to hold onto something that isn't ours to start with only creates frustration. But there is a freedom in letting go - we no longer allow the need to control control us. Rather, in offering back up to God all of the pieces of our lives, we trust that God is in control - and we don't have to be.

As I recognize my attempts at controlling as really a lack of trust, I must daily (hourly, minutely!) lay them down. My prayer is that I may grow and find freedom in a new kind of trust, by the grace of God.

"No Sacrifice"
Jason Upton

To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to
To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

To you I give my future
As long as it may last
To you I give my present
To you I give my past

Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

Learning what I need...and letting go of it

2011-10-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

Today walking home from work, I had a moment of clarity. As my mind was processing through various things, the chimes from the big old church by 13th & Derry broke into my reverie - and immediately made me smile. What is it about that sound that brings me joy? I decided that it was a sign of God's faithfulness for me - an important reminder that God knows what I need even more than I do, and that there is enough in God's perfect provision.

This was an important reminder because lately I've been thinking a lot about what I need, and particularly my need for people. I get so energized from being with people, have a deep desire for connection, for understanding, to know and be known - all very human things, but I've been trying to figure out what to do with this. I've finally been able to legitimize this to myself - learning to say that yes, it's ok to need people! But I've realized that in validating this to myself, I can't hold onto it too tightly - like anything, I must hold it with open hands, offering it back up to God.

It is God who truly knows what each of us needs better than we can ever know ourselves - and the amazing thing is that one way God chooses to provide for our needs is through one another, the broken and imperfect people that we are. Learning how to take care of eachother is hard, and I think a life-long journey - because it means that even as I am discovering more of what I need, I must also lay that down and seek to put what you need first.

But it works, because as we better understand ourselves and eachother, we can be cared for while caring for others, and it's a beautiful thing - a God thing, because ultimately it is God who cares for us and meets our needs, much more perfectly than we ever could.

On the winds of Change...and being Rooted

2011-08-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day this summer that I had to pull out a sweater to keep from being chilly. Last night was the first night that I wore socks to bed to keep my toes warm. You can feel it in the air - the weather is changing, fall is coming. Perhaps it is too convienent to equate the changes in seasons with the shifts in our own lives, but right now it seems to fit. I find myself in a period of letting go of some of the things that have been, and preparing to embrace the new things that are coming. No, I'm not changing jobs or getting married or moving, but significant life changes are happening for those closest to me - all of them exciting, all of them good, but also for me, a little bit scary. As one who prefers stability and needs time to process things through, too much all at once can make me start to panic. But then I must remember - change is not the enemy to be warded off or resisted, change is part of the natural rhythmn of life. Like a river there are ebbs and flows, but it never stands still - and yet in its motion that is what creates a constant.

As I sat down by the Susquehanna yesterday in the wake of the storm, the wind was whipping the river into little frothy waves and tossing the bushy vegetation about wildly in every direction. Sometimes I feel like those small plants, being pushed and pulled back and forth in every direction - entirely dependant on which way the wind is blowing. But then I looked up and noticed a tall tree, standing strong. Although its leaves and smaller branches were being swept back and forth, the sturdy trunk and thicker branches barely moved. I want to be like that tree - swaying gently and bending with the gusts, but having a core that is unshaken. I know that only comes out of a solid rootedness in the life-giving Source, the One who is unchanging. And I know it takes years of growth to get there, and I have a long way to go. But by the grace of God, I pray that I will be less shaken by the big life changes or the small day-to-day fluctuations - and allow myself to dance with the winds and the waves that do come.

And as I start pulling out warmer clothes and picking pumpkins from the backyard, I will offer thanks for what has been, and what's to come ("Seasons" by Nichole Nordeman).

of death and life...

2011-07-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

Death and life. Grief and celebration. Despair and hope. How can a single night encompass all of these seemingly conflicting notions?

At the Heeding God's Call rally/witness against gun violence yesterday, we mourned the death of an 18-year-old young man, shot and killed this week in our neighborhood. He would've been a senior this fall. I've been to my share of rallies, and the songs and words are always meaningful, but this one was different. As we marched down Crescent St. yelling "what do we want?" "PEACE" "what do we need?" "JUSTICE" the words caught in my throat as we came to the boy's house. Dozens of his family members, friends, and neighbors were gathered, covering the family's porch and spilling out onto the sidewalk. You could see the sharp pain of grief in their faces, as they clung to eachother, and cried, and remembered. The service we held with them was brief, singing hymns, offering prayers, coming together to offer what small comfort and solidarity that we might be able to.

But as we stood there, shoulder-to-shoulder with the people who knew this man, something in me broke. This was suddenly no longer a news article, a statistic, a political or ideological issue - this was REAL. The awful reality of someone being snatched from those who love him hit me, and I cried - for them, for their grief that I couldn't even understand, but could see so clearly. For him, for the life that he wouldn't get to finish. For the unfairness of it all. For the absolute helplessness I felt.

People said different things to try to make sense of what is senseless. "These kids need jobs." True. "You gotta be saved by the blood of Jesus." True. "You can't take the funding from schools." True. "Gotta get the guns off the streets." True. It's all true, but there is no one answer - it's all of it, everything. Kids have to have access to good education, have to have opportunities for jobs, need to be encouraged and supported at home, need to have Jesus change their hearts and their lives. And we do need to get the guns and the drugs off the streets - but this couldn't be about a political platform or a call to conversion, not in the midst of a family's grief. None of that would bring their son, their brother, their friend back. The most valuable thing we could do was be there, crying and praying with them as Jesus would, as our hearts were breaking.

Filled with a deep sadness, I left there to go to the Joshua Farm's 5-year celebration. As I arrived, some folks were putting primer up for a mural. The field was bursting with life, multitudes of thriving vegetables and fruit and flowers everywhere. People were everywhere, enjoying the delicious snacks made from the farm's produce, sharing good conversations with old friends or new acquaintances, and admiring all the good things the farm embodies. Kids were running around, and wonderful music drifted from the live band playing. There was so much joy in that place, and I couldn't help but smile and laugh and marvel at God's goodness in it all. This was where there was life, and in abundance. And so I celebrated - the hard work of dear friends who run the farm, the good people coming together over it, the music - the food - the laughter - the kids, it was all so good, and I was so grateful to be there to share in it, to bear witness to God's goodness.

This joyous event does not negate the pain of a life lost, but nor are they totally divorced from eachother. The Joshua Farm works with at-risk youth in the community, providing jobs and teaching skills, as they provide fresh, affordable produce to the community. So I have to believe that there is hope yet. That on the same night we mourn a death, we are also celebrating life. And that God is there, weeping and rejoicing with us.

Bringing the Kingdom

2011-04-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a wise and committed neighbor and friend, my thoughts turn to community once again. This is something that has been on my mind and my heart a lot these last several months, and I am reminded again of this burning desire for radical community life that extends beyond the four walls of our house or the confines of our circle of friends and embraces the people here in our neighborhood and brings them into fellowship together. I want to love the people God has placed me in close proximity with – but who I often feel worlds apart from. You can’t love people from a distance, and you can’t love people without knowing them. I want to know and be known in this place – and learn what it means to love despite seemingly insurmountable barriers – of race, class, and gender; or of busyness, routine, and complacency.

I have a vision of people of different races, languages, ages, backgrounds, and genders coming together around a shared table, children breaking the ice with their games and laughter, conversations starting, connections being made, stereotypes breaking down, relationships being formed – and God’s Kingdom coming in the midst of it.

I’m not naïve, and this isn’t going to magically happen just by willing it. Although we cannot force it, we do have to make an effort. Because the whole point is that these aren't the kind of relationships that will just happen – with all of the barriers our society has constructed, it’s become very natural and easy to keep to ourselves and be with people like us. Breaking out of that to reach out to those very different from us is not the norm – but it should be a marker of God’s upside-down Kingdom.

The how and when I don’t know, but what I do know is that this has to be part of what we do and who we are if we’re going to call ourselves the Body of Christ…otherwise, what are we doing?

------------------------------------

"Kingdom Comes" - Sara Groves

When anger fills your heart
When in your pain and hurt
You find the strength to stop
You bless instead of curse

When doubting floods your soul
Though all things feel unjust
You open up your heart
You find a way to trust

That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming

When fear engulfs your mind
Says you protect your own
You still extend your hand
You open up your home

When sorrow fills your life
When in your grief and pain
You choose again to rise
You choose to bless the name

That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming

In the mundane tasks of living
In the pouring out and giving
In the waking up and trying
In the laying down and dying

That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming

May it be so. AMEN.

What is Love?

2011-01-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

I was reading bedtime books to some of the dear children in my life on Thursday, and was surprised by the wisdom I found in a Clifford story. As a puppy, Clifford kept hearing people using the word "love" in different contexts but was trying to figure out what it meant. "I love you" - "I love playing with you" - "I love when people fill my food bowl" - what was this thing called love? But by the end, as his owner/best friend Emily Elizabeth is holding him and scratching him under the chin, she says "I love you, Clifford" - and he realizes, love is this happy feeling of being with people who care about you.

It's true, and I've felt that a lot lately. The last few days I've been surrounded by the important people in my life, and have felt so loved as dear friends celebrated my birthday in so many wonderful ways. Love is revealing and celebrating the beauty we see in eachother. Love is talking and listening to the deep things on our hearts. Love is simply being together, not needing words at all. Love is laughing until our stomachs hurt - and then laughing some more.

Love isn't only happy feelings, though. Love is being there in the hurts and heartbreaks, sharing the tears and trials that life brings. Love is carrying those things for eachother and with eachother - things that we cannot fix, but that we can bring to Jesus together. Love is caring for one another even when we don't know how.

Love is being there - sharing in the joys and the sorrows and everything in between. We all have our highs and lows, our excitements and frustrations. We won't feel good all the time - but part of the beauty of community is coming together with our conglomeration of feelings and experiences (good and bad) and being real with eachother, even when it's not pretty. In doing so, we allow eachother to enter in and be Jesus to us. And that is the best gift of all.

Things that give me Life

2011-01-08T12:28:00.001-08:00

I am reminded of the things that God has placed in my life that make me feel most alive and good and at peace with myself and the world. I too easily forget about them at times, but this week I was reminded of them in abundance.

1) Connecting with people - Sharing deep conversations about the things that are on our hearts and listening to and encouraging one another is such a beautiful expression of community that fills me like nothing else.

2) Celebrating - Being caught up in joy over the special and the ordinary is so important, letting belly laughs and ridiculousness work as medicine to revive the soul.

3) Playing with children - Spending time with kids never fails to lift my heart, make me laugh, and help me appreciate the little things in life.

4) Walking around my neighborhood - Walking the streets and alleys of what some would call an abandoned place is always therapy, where I find beauty and joy in what is and see hope in the possibilities for what could be.

5) Dreaming about the future - Contemplating the bigger dreams that God has placed on our hearts amidst the day-to-day routine gives me renewed excitement and inspiration for the Kingdom that is coming.

6) Being present and in touch with God - Taking time to simply be with God and allow God to change my heart grounds me and helps me find freedom from the things that hold me down.

When I recognize these as things that I need and strike a good balance of them in my life, I feel most alive and fully myself and I am better able to be what others need. I want to live in such a way that I intentionally seek to cultivate these life-giving experiences as part of my everyday, while also learning to not be dependent on them.

Trying to figure out the Love of God.

2010-12-26T13:46:00.000-08:00

Why on earth would God want to be in relationship with people like me who are so messed up? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Perhaps it's because we are so messed up. God has it all together, and could have just stayed separate from the world, didn't have to bother with us after we rejected Him. But He saw us suffering as a result of our selfishness and knew this would eventually lead us to destruction in one way or another. So He had compassion, and wrote Himself into our story to offer a way out. He didn't have to experience suffering or pain or sorrow or loneliness of any kind - but He chose to, to enter into our human experience. That's love. And He offered us a relationship with Him, through which He can start the work of redeeming the messed up things in our world and in our hearts and show us another way. That's love.

And I think that God has built into the core of our beings a deep desire for relationship, for community, for Communion. It's meant to be with Him and meant to draw us to Him, but we often get distracted and seek to fulfill it in other ways. I find myself drawn to the people in my life, close friends and the community God has blessed me with, to fill this heart-desire. There is something so beautiful about knowing and being known, loving and being loved, just as you are. Yet whatever human relationships we have can never quite do that completely. We will always be limited by our selfish tendencies, and it will never quite be enough - it cannot quite fill that relational void inside our hearts. Only God can. I often forget this, and God constantly has to remind me that the people and the community He has blessed me with are not the be-all end-all - and elevating them as such only sets up unfair expectations and creates frustration.

Human community is a reflection of the Communion God has for us, but it's not it. Only God's perfect Love can fulfill our deepest relational desires, and dispel all of the insecurities and ugliness that hide in the corners of our hearts. When my heart is filled with the Love of God, it can't help but overflow into my relationships with people, and I can share it freely without expecting an exact return. However, when I don't allow my heart to be filled by God, I can approach my relationships out of that lack, and greedily draw from others to satisfy my needs.

The neat thing is, that living in God's Love has implications for everything. Not just how I love my friends, but how I interact with strangers and how I do my work and how I dream about the future and how I live in the present. My prayer right now is that God would be teaching me how to live in His Love every single day.

Living the questions...

2010-11-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

Where am I? Sometimes in the mad rush of life I realize that I need to pause for a moment and just figure out where I am before I jet off to the next thing.

Lots of questions it seems are running through my head these days, and I don't often get to dwell on them long enough to figure out what the answers are, but sometimes being able to articulate what it is I am seeking is enough.

How do I love the people God has placed me with? I want my love for others to be pure, not steeped in having my own needs met, but truly as a gift to the other, possible only through God's grace.

How do I truly reach out to my neighbors, breaching cultural barriers that sometimes seem insurmountable? I want to build relationships, become a real part of this place, and help meet needs where I can.

How do I build community with other like-minded folks without excluding those who are different? Is community the end in itself or should we be striving for a certain vision or goal? How does this play out practically with busy schedules and other commitments?

What is it that I am meant to do vocationally? How can this collection of experiences, passions, and gifts be best used to advance the Kingdom?

How do I live fully and with abandon, obedient always to living out God's deep love and never being controlled by fears or insecurities?

How can I cultivate a lifestyle that is fully in the present, focusing on precisely where God has placed me in the moment and who with? How can I learn the art of being, rather than be a slave to my schedule and to-do list?

How do I make God my number one priority, focusing on spending time with God and having an attitude of constant openness to the movements of the Spirit?

So many questions! It can get overwhelming when they're all flying around in my head, but then I remember. Part of the answer, I think, is that "I" cannot do any of this. I need my sisters and brothers, and most of all my God - otherwise none of this is possible.

Amidst all of these questions, I have been encouraged by the people in my life who remind me of what is important and who are figuring out this thing called life together with me. Cooking and conversations late into the night at my house. Burritos and talk about community organizing. Coffee and conversation about hospitality and rootedness. Exciting news about new communities forming on the Hill. Corn mazes and pumpkin carving with children I love. Handing out candy and talking about life on the stoop. Play-dates with the little boys next door. Hot drinks with an old friend in a new city. Dear friends returning from far away places.

I am so blessed by the people who journey with me, as we live these questions...

Awakening

2010-10-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

God rest us.
Rest the part of us which is tired.
Awaken the part of us which is asleep.
God awaken us and awake within us.
Amen.

I had a realization - I'm afraid that I've gotten too comfortable. Too comfortable with my job, my schedule, my life. Although there are so many good things about my life right now, I don't want to be satisfied with where I am. I feel like I've gotten so used to my everyday routine that I've become disconnected from some of the bigger, important things in life.

Urban housing & development, cycles of poverty and how to create & sustain jobs, gender issues and discrimination against women, hospitality & what it means to reach out to neighbors - so many things! There's this whole part of myself that cares so much about these things, but lately it's been so easy for them to get lost in the daily shuffle. I feel like I don't have the time or mental energy to engage them, but I don't want to lose sight of them because they're really at the core of who I am - and who I want to become. I want to truly engage in learning about and acting on these things that are so important to me.

Hand-in-hand with engaging these societal issues and problems is engaging with people, reaching out to the poor and marginalized, the broken and lonely. Sadly, I think I've kind of gotten used to not making as much of an effort. I have my volunteer times built into my schedule, but haven't allowed much space for being open to people I pass on the streets and what they might need at that moment. I've been reminded again of this radical lifestyle of reaching out and loving people that I used to want, and still do want, but seem to have fallen short of. It's not easy for me to reach out to strangers and get to know people - but following Jesus isn't supposed to be easy or natural or comfortable - just the opposite. I know that God wants to stretch me and push me out of my comfort zone, and I'm afraid to, but also afraid not to.

I want to strive again for this radical way of living, confronting these problems head-on and being part of the solutions, and above all loving people.
I want to be more intentional about hospitality and getting to know our neighbors;
I want to be more open to people as I walk the streets, and ready to help someone in need;
I want to be more connected to the things happening in the neighborhood and the city;
I want to learn more about the issues at play.
I want to dream again, and take small steps towards those dreams.
These are the desires of my heart. My prayer is that I will live in such a way that I am more faithful to them.

Living radically seems hard when it's done in small ways everyday on top of other demands. It doesn't feel like enough, and it's easy to get discouraged. It's also easy to forgot how important all of these things are. But people help me to remember, and dream with me and challenge me and encourage me. They remind me, too, that it all comes back to God and to love - without which we can do nothing. I feel like I am coming back to that.

And my song right now is Sara Groves' "Add to the Beauty":

We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are
And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work
It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation.

The gift of Time...

2010-08-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

I do not often get stressed out these days, but lately I have been - by time. Suddenly there seemed to be a million things to do and people to see, and I found myself in a whirlwind of busyness that was of my making - but that left me frazzled and drained. I don't regret any of the things I did, but it's not a pace of life that I want to sustain. Rather, I deeply value the importance of rest and reflection, being fully present and allowing space for interruptions - and I want these to mark the rhythms of my life.

Time is finite, and I need to be ok with that - while also making the time that I do have count. I need to see it more and more as a gift, an opportunity, rather than merely a block on my calendar. I want how I use my time to reflect my highest values, rather than my weakest impulses. I am called to love with abandon the people God has placed me with, and to be faithful to the commitments I have made. Neither of these things are always easy - in fact, they're sometimes very hard. But with a generous portion of God's grace, I pray that I can.

One of the scary things about time is that it is so fleeting - and we can never get it back. Perhaps it's become more precious to me as I've been saying goodbyes lately - and as I prepare for more goodbyes and big changes in the lives of my closest friends.

It's funny, as I find myself again in the role of being a point of sending and return. There aren't only sad goodbyes, but also joyful returns, and for that I am grateful. And despite the pain of friends journeying onto new adventures without me, something in this role feels good too. I like being a settled, stable point for people when so much is changing, and it almost feels like an honor to support them and send them off to the great things God is calling them to. But I will need plenty of grace for those days too.

For now, my prayer is that I can love people like there's no tomorrow, not leaving important things unsaid - because life is too short, and we don't know how much time we've got until it's gone.

Being neighbors and growing roots

2010-07-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a free evening, and little Derek and Evan came knocking on our door to "show us something". It was a GIANT zucchini in our garden that we had missed! Then we had a birthday surprise to show Derek, who just turned 4 on July 4th. Did I want to ride bikes for a bit? Sure! That led to reading some books and playing with the farm and racing cars until it was bedtime. When I finally left their house the sun was setting, and Inousa, our friendly and intelligent neighbor from Burkina Faso, was out back listening to music from his truck. I stopped and chatted for a while - he is getting ready to go back home, and so is soaking in the last weeks of his life in America. He always has interesting insights into life and culture here, and I appreciate his perspective.

It's nights like this that I am so grateful to have enough free space in my life to spontaneously spend time with neighbors. I am in love with this place and its people. When it's not blazing hot outside, I relish simply walking the streets of Allison Hill, with no particular aim except to know this place and be known. I want to memorize each back-street and get acquainted with the people so that everyone doesn't look the same to me anymore. Although my neighborhood certainly has its share of death, most days I can't help but be overwhelmed by the life that is so fully present here - kids laughing and playing together in the streets, families relaxing on their porches, guys hanging out and making fun. Although I certainly am still an oddity here, there's no place I'd rather be.

And as I walk the streets and go about my daily routine, I can't help but see the possibilities. Abandoned houses become loved and lived-in places. Empty lots become community spaces. And strangers become neighbors. I have so many dreams that I want to live out here. To truly know and love the people that God has placed here with me. To begin to understand the complexities of this place. To learn about the good work that is already being done by so many committed people. To discover my niche and what I am meant to do here. Some days there is an urgency to this last question - wanting to know what I'm supposed to do. But on days like today, I am content to spend time with neighbors - learning a little more about them and sharing in their lives.

A wise friend recently shared a quote by Henri Nowen that expresses the feeling I have well: "More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time and freedom to practice this simple ministry of presence..." I pray that God will use this desire in me as I continue to set down roots here...

What a wonderful world...

2010-07-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

This week has left me with many markers pointing to God's goodness. Not that it's been an easy or carefree week - in fact, each day there have been disappointments or frustrations that have gotten me down. But each day there have been clear reminders of the goodness of God. Through life-giving conversations with friends, the beauty of creation, connections with co-workers, the smiles of children, and the special gift of new life, God has reminded me of the great blessings in life.

Usually things aren't this clear for me - my learning is usually much more muddled. Perhaps that's why I'm sharing this now...because God did make it clear that this is something to pay attention to. My prayer is that my eyes will always be open and attentive to see this. Amidst the small everyday struggles and the large overwhelming challenges, may we all see God and his goodness in this wonderful world.

It may sound funny, but the way I often experience joy is that songs will start welling up in my heart - and flowing out my lips :) Today the song in my heart was Louis Armstrong's classic "It's a Wonderful World". Here are the words...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

One year out: Thoughts on work & life from "the other side"

2010-06-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

As I attended Messiah's graduation this May, I remembered mine like it was yesterday - yet it also seemed like so long since I had walked across that stage. And as I wrote out this month's check for rent, I paused - it was exactly a year ago that I had begun this chapter of my life on 1527 Derry St. It made me ponder - what had I learned? How had I changed? What would I tell this year's seniors if I had the chance? So here are a few nuggets of wisdom, from my experience to yours...

There is such pressure as you graduate to "figure out what I'm doing with my life". The constant questions from well-meaning relatives and friends can be discouraging if you don't have a "good" answer. When I graduated I had ideas about what I wanted to do, but spent a whole summer unsure about what would be next. There will undoubtedly be times of uncertainty, of feeling "stuck", of knowing you have so much to give but having no outlet. They're hard, but they will pass sooner or later. I could not have imagined the ways that God provided for fulfilling and stretching work. Things will work out, although usually in ways that you never expected. That's how God rolls, it seems - God is full of surprises. God also likes to test our patience - but God will come through.

Whether you are looking for a job or have found one, know that there will never be the "perfect job" - but you can get pretty darn close. Every position will have its joys and frustrations, just as the skill-set you bring to it will have both strengths and weaknesses. But each experience for however long offers a great opportunity to learn more about what you want to do, what you love and are good at, and how you can grow and be better.

And you know what? You don't have to have it all figured out. I'm becoming more and more convinced that no one really does. Whether you're fresh out of college or in your 30s married with kids there are still transitions, there are still questions of what's going to happen next, of where to go and what to do, of how you can better live out your ideals and your vocation. The questions never end, but if you can find the peace to live in those questions, you'll be ok.

And I think it's pretty rare that we get clear answers. Maybe you will suddenly know for sure, "Ahah, this is what I will do for the rest of my life." But that's not the common experience. Rather, I think we are given clues along the way that point us towards what could be next. I've learned to pay attention to the things that energize and excite me, the things that fill me with joy, and the things that make me angry. All of these are clues to where my deep passions lie and when my work intersects with them.

I've also learned that changing the world looks different than I used to think. I imagined making sweeping changes in government policy, and spurring significant neighborhood revitalization. Now I see things differently. I haven't given up on my ideals, but I have learned in trying to live them out that change requires much time and commitment - it does not come quickly or easily. It requires humility in recognizing how much you have to learn, but also courage to go and try something even if you don't have it all figured out.

More often than not, living out your ideals will look very ordinary and you may feel like you're not doing very much. But in being counter-cultural day-in and day-out, you are extraordinary. And as a community of people - in your neighborhood and around the world - doing many small, ordinary things, little by little we are changing the world. It may not be as grand as you imagine, but it does matter.

To do any of this, though, community is essential. Messiah students, you'll chuckle, but it's really true. You can't live out your ideals alone. It's hard, doing community as imperfect people in a messy world. But it is totally and completely worth it - and if you don't have a good community, nothing much else matters. As much as jobs and other things have transitioned over the past year for me, it has been my community (near and far) which has remained constant. Find people who share your ideals, who will stand beside you, laugh and cry with you, live out your dreams with you, and sit with you in the questions.

You're gonna be alright :) Life on the other side is good.

My "Blind Side"

2010-03-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

I just saw "The Blind Side", and it blew me away. I'm always very impacted by movies and stories, but this one was particularly meaningful because it was a true story. It was inspiring, but real. It wasn't a perfect story, but it was a hopeful story. It showcased one success story, but didn't pretend that this wasn't the exception instead of the rule. It was solid. It was sassy. It was gritty. It was funny. It was REAL. And I think that's what I appreciated most about it.

Now I am filled with so many emotions. Joy - for the success of this young man and his new family. Sadness - for all those who won't have the same chances, and whose lives will be cut short. And more than anything else, it leaves me with an overwhelming sense of wanting to do and be more. What would it look like for me to practice radical hospitality like this family did? What kind of community could I be a part of where this would not only be possible but supported?

I'm in this place where I am constantly wanting to do more in so many ways, but feel limited by my current commitments. I deeply value the things that I am doing now, but it often seems so small and insignificant. At times like this my heart just cries out - to do something bigger and more meaningful. How do I become part of this neighborhood and really invest here? How do I practice radical community living? What do I do with my dream of buying and rehabbing a house? How can I learn more, grow more? How do I fulfill this cry of my heart?

Being confronted by my own inadequacies is hard when I'm so full of passion. But passion isn't enough. Change takes commitment and perseverance, time and energy. Although I know I fall short in so many ways, I take some comfort in a quote that's painted on the fence around the Allison Hill mural. It says: "Courage doesn't always roar - sometimes it's the quiet voice that says 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Give me that kind of courage, God. Amen.

What's next?

2010-03-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

That's the question that's been on my mind this week. People tell me that I'm good at living in the present and not worrying too much about the future. And that's been true until recently, when I've been forced to think about what's next for me.

It's funny because in some ways I feel like I'm right back where I was at this time last year - trying to figure out what to do after May when I leave Messiah. In a lot of ways, though, it is an entirely different situation. I have learned and grown a lot in this first year out of college, and some things have been established that will not change. I am committed to my community here, my neighborhood on Allison Hill, and the city of Harrisburg for the foreseeable future - rooted to a sense of people and place.

Yet my sense of vocation is still very-much ambiguous. If anything, it has broadened in the last year even while I have gained more specific experience. And at this juncture, it is almost harder to discern. Last spring I had some very specific ideas about what I wanted to do, none of which I actually ended up doing. Now, I have developed a good sense of my passions and skills more broadly, but am quite unclear how that will translate into actual jobs that are available.

All I know is this. I want to fight injustices however I can, and have a particular passion for racism, poverty, education, healthcare, and urban issues. I possess the gifts of leadership, administration, and teaching. I love being an educator and communicator to challenge, inform, and persuade people. I love being an administrator and program manager, assessing and improving programs and organizing people and resources around a particular goal. Too often these types of roles are divorced from eachother, but I want to bring them together to change people AND change policies. I want to bring stake-holders together to work on solutions, and teach and empower people to make things happen.

Basically, I want the best of both worlds. Maybe it's too much to ask, and I don't know what it would look like, but that is where I am. It's a confusing place to be, and I wish there were more clarity and direction. I don't know where I'm going...but I guess I'll know when I get there.

One of the songs on my playlist right now is "Dreams" by The Cranberries:

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...
La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

In anticipation of Lent...

2010-02-14T18:37:00.000-08:00

Ash Wednesday is approaching, and I find myself in excited anticipation for this season of Lent. I deeply value times set aside for reflection, discipline, and growth and that is what I have found this season to be.

It is a time of preparation leading up to Easter when we have the opportunity to stop and re-evaluate where we are, and focus intentionally on how we would like to change. Specifically, fasting from those things in our lives that hold us back from growing in our relationship with God.

Through reflection over the past few weeks, I have decided to fast from TV shows and other things in my life that serve as distractions. I've become more cognizant of the fact that when I am exhausted after work or have had a rough day, I tend towards escapism - which often manifests itself in watching an episode of a TV show online. I justify this to myself, saying that "I just need to forget about life right now" or "I just need to do something mindless for awhile". But really I am shutting down and trying to escape from my reality, which I don't think is a healthy response. So during Lent this year I am going to be intentional about processing through what is going on rather than gravitating towards entertainment.

But Lent is about adding more than subtracting, and so as I remove time spent "escaping" I will be focused on replacing that with time spent engaging with God and growing in Him. Dedicating daily time to prayer, reading, and meditation has always been hard for me, but I am excited for this opportunity to make a renewed effort. I am a person who likes structure, so I have made some "well-planned steps" (as Henri Nowen puts it) as a way to create discipline. Although ideally we should "pray without ceasing", realistically I've identified several key times during the day when I can pause and focus on God. I am excited about following the Lenten readings...I've come to value the words and litanies of others more as of late, and eager to learn from them.

So these are my hopes for this season...what are yours? My prayer is that God will guide us in drawing closer to Him, and being molded into the people He desires us to be.

This is my single status, my declaration of independance...

2010-02-05T17:31:00.000-08:00

Transport yourself to New England, 1954, where the brightest women in the country go to school at Wesley - and prepare for lives as the next generation of wives and mothers. Higher education does not translate into career - it's merely a time of preparation before the ladies get their rings and "Mrs.". This is the world that Katherine Ann Watson (Julia Roberts) enters in "Mona Lisa Smile".

I liked Julia Roberts' character because she was a rebel - refusing to conform to the expectations of that time and place, and trying to teach her students that there can be more to life than getting married and having babies. Although much has changed for the better in the last 50 years, these expectations of being a wife and a mother - and now having a career - are still very-much alive. Why is it shocking to people that I don't necessarily want to get married or have children? Why must I explain to people my single status? Pop culture is in love with being in love, and even Christian culture is very marriage- and family-oriented. Some things that irk me:

The Facebook ads that forever pop up asking me if I want a boyfriend or telling me where to meet nice Christian men - just because my profile lists me as "single".

The fact that every time I turn on the radio, all I ever hear are songs of varying forms on the same theme - "I love you, baby" "I'm lost without you" "I need you more and more" "I want you back" "don't break my heart", etc.

And don't even get me started on chick flicks! Aside from the ridiculous scenarios of meeting and courting and the short time lapses between the main characters meeting, falling in love, and sleeping together and/or getting married, I am bothered by the general glorification of romantic relationships where all you need is eachother and you live "happily ever after". It feeds this desire for women to find that perfect guy who meets all of their needs - setting up unrealistic expectations and creating discontentment.

At every turn we are told that it is not ok to be single - this is just some kind of holding area as we bide our time until "Mr. Right" comes along. We are not complete, we are not whole, we are not all that we can be without a "significant other". What does it say about our society when an 8-year-old girl tells me that she feels sorry for me because I don't have a boyfriend? I feel sorry for her for being taught that she is not complete without one.

Now let me pause and clarify that I am not totally against love and relationships and marriage - I have many friends who are married, engaged, dating, etc. and I am honestly and sincerely happy for them, and I can see what a beautiful thing they have. I also see some of the hard parts of it. But what I resist is the notion that that is the only thing that there is to strive for.

I want to live in a society where my single status is not pitied, but celebrated. I am independent, with few responsibilities and much time and passion to throw into whatever I am doing. I have wonderful friends and faith communities to share with, laugh with, and draw support from. I don't need a relationship. Honestly, I don't want a relationship. And I certainly don't need anyone's pity.

To close my little rant, here's the song that's been my anthem - Natasha Bedingfield's "Single":

I'm not waiting around for a man to save me
('Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me... whole

Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm trading places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I'm gonna be

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

Let us turn our thoughts today to Martin Luther King...

2010-01-18T17:19:00.000-08:00

...And recognize that there are ties between us
All men and women
Living on the earth
Ties of hope and love
Sister and brotherhood
That we are bound together
In our desire to see the world become
A place in which our children
Can grow free and strong
We are bound together
By the task that stands before us
And the road that lies ahead
We are bound and we are bound

-James Taylor "Shed a Little Light"

For the past number of weeks and months, much of my work has centered around preparing for Martin Luther King Day, Messiah's day to engage students in learning, serving, and reflecting on how the legacy of Dr. King is being lived out in Harrisburg today. Today was the day, and everything went wonderfully, but only now am I able to personally reflect on the significance of this day. I've been so caught up in seating arrangements and making sure we have enough cups and finding the right budget codes that only now that it's all over can I fully appreciate what this is all about.

It's about planting the seeds that will one day grow, and watering seeds that are already planted. It's about seeing students who are just being exposed to ideas of justice and service start to ask questions, and seeing students who have developed deep and thoughtful insights share those with others.

It's about honoring our Community Partners, individuals and organizations in the community that are working tirelessly everyday, living out Dr. King's vision of equality and justice in very tangible ways.

And it's about stepping back to think about the big picture - to recognize the great life and work of Dr. King and so many others who have gone before us. Re-reading some of Dr. King's speeches still gives me the chills - someone so passionate and so eloquent and so effective in rallying people around this cause so dear to his heart. Although his life was cut tragically short, it is his legacy that lives on.

And if we want to truly honor Dr. King today, then we must challenge ourselves to see how we can be living out his vision in our daily lives. There are so many injustices in our world that's it's easy to become numb to it all. But although we can't solve all the problems of the world, God has placed within us certain passions, gifts, and abilities in order to serve his kingdom. It is our job to explore how we can use there in our particular place in this particular time. May God help us in this endeavor...

2010: Goals to Guide Me

2010-01-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

Although I don't make New Year's Resolutions per se, I do make goals for the New Year. I like the feeling of having a new beginning, a fresh start to make some changes. I've been pondering what these should be for 2010, and these are what I've felt are important things to focus on in the New Year.

1) Being more honest in expressing my needs and wants to others.

One thing that I've noticed about myself over the past several years is that I am not good at telling other people what I need or want. This became clear to me most recently over Christmas break, when I knew that I needed alone time to function. But instead of communicating this to my family, I let myself be sucked into their busyness without taking a break - which resulted in me being resentful of them and acting like a jerk. I've seen this as a pattern for myself, and I don't like it. My personality is such that I don't want to put anyone out, and I avoid conflict like the plague. So instead of bringing up my own need or want, I will just suppress it. It doesn't help that passive-aggressiveness has been modeled for me growing up, so when I do finally express something that I need or want it's often not direct but passive-aggressive. This is something that I want to unlearn, but it feels like I'm trying to go against the very grain of my being. But I think intentionally working towards more honesty and directness in what I need and want will create healthier relationships with my family, my roommates, my co-workers, and my friends - and decrease my frustrations.

2) Being more accepting of who I am in my role at work.

Although I love my job, at times it's easy to feel insecure in my role. I know that I can do the job and do it well, but as an introvert there are times when my personality seems to be working against me, and I fall into comparing myself to others. I don't have an outgoing and "fun" personality that immediately puts people at ease. It can be difficult to make my voice heard in meetings because I need time to process, and because I don't like to interrupt. And I'm afraid people think I'm awkward at times when conversations are not effortless. But I do bring a lot of strengths to this position as an introvert - carefully analyzing and processing things, asking good questions and listening well, and offering meaningful insights when I do speak up. So my goal is to find a healthy balance between stretching myself in ways that are helpful for my job, and being comfortable with who I am and how I work - not trying to be someone I'm not.

3) Make my relationship with God a priority.

To be honest, I've been really lax in spending time with God in the last few months. It always seems to go in seasons for me - I was doing really well with quiet times during Lent last year and into the summer, but once I started my job, mornings just did not work anymore, and I haven't found a good time. Or really, I haven't made it a priority to find a good time. What bothers me most is that I really haven't been very bothered by this - but I do feel like something important is missing. So in the New Year I am praying that God will give me both the desire and the discipline to spend regular time with Him - and a good mix of structure and creativity to grow in my relationship with Him. If I'm not strong in this, nothing else really matters much...

So these are the big things that I want to give particular attention to in this New Year. There are lots of other things that I want to do too - keep up with the news better, read more, get more involved in the neighborhood, practice hospitality more, get better at cleaning and getting rid of stuff. But I don't want to get too ambitious :) And a lot of these things depend on how busy things are at work, which determines how much time and energy I have left. So I hope that I can do a decent job at balancing everything this year - while also recognizing that I am a finite human being living with a limited amount of time and energy :)

So friends, keep me accountable! And take some time to think about what your goals are for 2010...

2009: The Year in Review

2010-01-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

Last night I counted down the seconds to midnight on Second St, watched the giant strawberry drop from the Hilton, and cheered as the fireworks went off. But although it was fun to usher in 2010 with much celebration, I feel the need to stop and reflect before moving into the New Year.

I would say 2009 was marked most by transition and by community. I graduated college, moved out on my own, worked part-time over the summer, and then jumped into this job at Messiah in August. A lot of big changes to take place within a short amount of time!

But amidst all of that, this year I would say I have felt the most community. Living in SoJo for my last semester was the most supported I have ever felt - which is fortunate because that last semester is also the most stressed that I've ever been :) Living with two wonderful friends after graduation has been such a blessing, as I am constantly reminded of. And throughout all of this, I have my church communities, my small group, and others who offer love and support.

I would say that this year also was clearly marked by God's provision. I have basically an ideal living situation, a great landlord right next door, a job that I love and am good at, and COMMUNITY all around me. Not that life is perfect - there are difficulties and frustrations as always - but I really couldn't have imagined a better situation for myself. Thank you, God!

As I move into the New Year, there are a lot of question marks, but I can rest assured that whatever comes my way, He will continue to provide...

The changing of the seasons...

2009-10-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been contemplating how the seasons are clearly changing. With each tree turning brilliant colors, with each "crunch" of the leaves under my feet, with each chill from a brisk wind, I am reminded that summer is over - it is indeed fall now.

This recognition of the outward changing of the seasons seems appropriate, as in many ways it mirrors the changing of the seasons in my own life. I have been at my job at the Agape Center for about a month and a half now, and after the insanity of the first few weeks, I have settled comfortably into the position. (For those who don't know, I was hired as the Interim Coordinator of Local Community Service the end of August.)

Summer was a much-needed rest, with flexible days and opportunities to do a variety of things with my time. But towards the end I was ready for something new, and I was so blessed to have this opportunity at the Agape Center to throw myself into this fall. The majority of my time and energy now go into my work there, but I love what I am doing. Of course there are moments that are frustrating or tiring, but I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be right now, and I am so grateful.

So this season, for me, is marked by many good things. Meeting with our student leaders and supporting them in their work. Brainstorming about how we can train and equip volunteers better for service. Having fun with the wonderful and quirky set of people I work with :) I'm learning what it means to be a "professional" and figuring out what that looks like for me. Make-up and heals have become a regular part of my wardrobe, in my attempt to look older than the students :)

But even as many things have changed for me, the most important parts of my life have remained constant. The love and support of church communities. Good conversations with roomies and friends. Time spent playing with kids. These are the things that sustain me, and I know that no matter what job I have, they will always be there.

As an "interim" I don't know how long this season will last, and when or what I will transition to next, but I am embracing it and giving it all I've got!

Give me your eyes, God...

2009-09-23T19:15:00.000-07:00

I rediscovered a song today that really hit home in light of the things that I've been processing through with my neighborhood. It's called "Give me your eyes" by Brandon Heath, and this is my prayer as I walk through my neighborhood each day - the song for my journey right now...

"Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

(Chorus)

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah

"Streetwise"

2009-09-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

The end of this month will mark the fourth month that I have lived "on the Hill" here in Harrisburg. Oddly enough, though, this last week or so has been one of the most challenging for me, bringing up many questions for me to wrestle with about how I interact with this neighborhood and its people.

Principle among these questions has been an issue of respect - why can't I walk down the street and be acknowledged as a human being instead of treated like an object by so many of the men here? From the beginning I knew that I would have to deal with rude comments from men, and resolved to brush them off. My first rule of interaction, though, was that I wouldn't ignore the people or look past them as I had been accustomed to before - at the very least I would make eye contact, recognizing them as human beings.

However, when so many of my attempts to acknowledge men as I pass them have been met with derisive comments, I begin to rethink my strategy. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I have felt systematically disrespected here despite my best efforts, and this week something in me snapped. For the first time I was really angry at my neighborhood and the segment of people who have repeatedly violated me. This no longer seemed like a diverse and welcoming place, but a hostile environment that I must navigate at my peril.

Unfortunately, my first reaction was to break my own rule and completely ignore every man I encountered on the street. I tried that for a day, and although I succeeded in avoiding unwelcome comments, it only fueled the anger and resentment that I was feeling.

Fortunately, my second reaction was to explore why. I know that I am living in a culture that is vastly different from my own, and I recognized that rather than resist that culture with all my might, it would be more productive and ultimately helpful to seek to understand it instead.

So yesterday I biked to Midtown Scholar's new bookstore, and lost myself in their Sociology section for hours. And I found exactly the kind of book that I needed right now - "Streetwise" by Elijah Anderson. He's an African-American sociologist who has done a lot of work in Philly, and gave very practical insights into how "the streets" operate and what signals and body language are used to navigate them effectively. I was hooked, and finished the entire book yesterday!

It was not only extremely insightful, but very convicting for me. He makes the distinction between "street etiquette", which applies rules of interaction broadly based on stereotypes, and "street wisdom", which recognizes people as individuals and tailors interactions accordingly. I realized that I was guilty of using "street etiquette" - I had created rules for how to interact with different types of people, and so when I encountered people on the street I did not see them, but rather I saw their race, their gender, their age and fit them into one of the categories I had created in my head to program a response. Granted, these programmed responses were based on my past experiences, but they were prejudiced nonetheless and wrong.

I want to become "streetwise" as the author calls it - not sticking to rigid rules based on crudely constructed stereotypes, but encountering people as individuals, treating them as people, and allowing for the possibility of a genuine interaction. After all, if I cannot see them as a human being not defined by their race, gender, and age, how can I expect them to do the same for me?

In reading my Bible this morning, I was also convicted that I have not really been loving people here like I should - like Jesus would. I've been loving my neighbors who are easy to love, but writing off those who are too difficult. I pray now that God will forgive me for this, and give me the "Agape" love that he has for the people of Allison Hill - so that I may truly love those who I encounter here.

This is what it's all about

2009-08-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life when things suddenly crystallize for you, and it suddenly becomes clear why you're doing what you're doing. I had such a moment tonight. It had been a stressful day - only my fourth day in my new job at the Agape Center - and by this evening I was feeling drained. I hadn't gotten everything done that I had hoped to, unexpected problems had come up that I had to deal with, and even though I was doing the Harrisburg tour - one of my favorite things - I was burdened with feelings of inadequacy.

All of the things that I wish I had done better were running through my head as we gathered at the end of the night to reflect on our day. It was obvious that everyone was tired, and I thought "sharing time" would be like pulling teeth. But it wasn't. Student after student, with barely a pause, voiced something meaningful about their day. Many of them shared about something that had impacted them from the Harrisburg tour - seeing true community amidst the brokenness in Allison Hill, having the experience of getting out of the cars and engaging with people, appreciating the really beautiful art that is everywhere, learning about the different parts of the city and the inequalities, discovering that there really are fun things to do here, and on and on.

As they spoke, I was moved - this was hands-down the most meaningful part of my day. Although I didn't say that out-loud, this made all of the stress of preparing for the tour absolutely worth it. This is why I'm here - to introduce students to a place and ideas and a lifestyle that means so much to me. Although I often fall short of my own expectations, this is what it's all about - what students are experiencing and learning. My work is producing fruit, but really it isn't about me at all. The words of Oscar Romero speak to this so eloquently, and I take comfort in them:

"It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own."

AMEN.

Finding encouragement...

2009-08-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

Lately it's been easy for me to get discouraged. The job search often seems to be going nowhere. The State Budget isn't getting much closer to being passed. It continues to be challenging to get to know our neighbors. I find myself too tired sometimes to exert the effort to reach out. My efforts at hospitality and building relationships don't always turn out the way I hope. I don't seem to have enough time to do everything that I want to, and end up feeling pulled in too many directions. Sometimes I feel like I've failed my ideals.

But every time these things bring me down, God finds a way to bring encouragement and lift me up. Spontaneous dinner with Agape Center friends. Play-time with the little boys next door. An elaborate African meal with our wonderful and talkative neighbor from Burkina Faso. Late night chats with my amazing roomies. Beautiful sunsets and gentle breezes. Unexpected naps. Joyous bike rides along the river. These are the things that give me life here. And most days the encouragements outweigh the discouragements - thank you, God.

What am I to do?

2009-07-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

I am in the throes of intensive job-searching - with fall coming up quickly and no employment secured yet, I am exploring all possibilities and pulling out all the stops. It's rather stressful.

In moving to Harrisburg in June, I viewed this summer as a sorely-needed break - I did not want to jump into full-time employment after juggling too many commitments for too long. And for the most part it has been just that - doing nannying two days a week and enjoying the freedom of choosing what to do with the rest of my time. But in the past few weeks I have begun to feel restless - I'm ready to be doing something different now. Although there is value in dipping my toes into many different pools, you cannot make as much of a ripple that way. And as I've been doing bits of many different things, I have been feeling unfocused and ineffective.

The irony is that earlier this summer I was concerned that I had become lazy - I was so enjoying my "time off" that I dreaded the idea of full-time employment again. But now I see that there was nothing to fear - I needed a break, but now I am ready for the next challenge to sink my teeth into.

I long for meaningful work - something that I can throw myself into that allows me to work for the things that I am passionate about and effectively use the gifts and skills that I have to offer. There is so much that I want to do, to change, if only I am given the opportunities!

Yet for now I must continue the search - despite my frustrations - while practicing patience and trust. I know that God has placed me here in Harrisburg for a specific purpose, and I know that He has a plan. He did not give me these passions and gifts for nothing - He will use me. I just need to be content with His timetable, not mine...

Serendipity: Breaking down stereotypes in the most unexpected ways

2009-07-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

On Friday morning I was up early to drop off DJ (one of the kids I nanny) at Spanish camp at the local school. Then I went across the street to the Rite Aid to pick out a birthday card, and while I was there got the paper too. Then, as part of my goal of being more connected to my neighborhood, I decided to sit outside on my stoop and read the paper. It was still early, so not many people were out.

I settled into reading, but before long I started to notice people coming by with big garbage bags and picking up trash. I looked up and said "hi", but to be honest some of them looked like delinquents - I assumed that they must be doing a community service project as part of their sentence or something. How terribly stereotypical of me, I know. There has been little that has scared me about living in this neighborhood, although people seem to think I should be. However, I felt like I could be afraid of some of the guys walking past my stoop.

However, when other people continued to go past who looked "normal" (again, stereotypical, I know) I started to wonder if this was a community event that I was missing out on. And when someone asked me if I wanted to join in, I asked what was happening - and learned that this is through Weed & Seed and happens every Friday. My mind started racing - this was exactly the kind of opportunity I was looking for to get to know the neighborhood better and contribute in some way. Did I have the guts to get up off my stoop and go do it? I saw clearly that this was one of those things that would probably be uncomfortable and stretching, but that I would kick myself if I didn't do it. So I went.

Catching up with a group, I joined in. Someone asked if I had signed my name, and when I gave a puzzled look someone else laughed - "Does she look like she's on parole?" Ahh, so I had been right. This may be Weed & Seed community clean-up, but I had joined the group that was on parole - in fact the very people who had made me uncomfortable before!

I was clearly out of place, and it was kind of uncomfortable, but also really cool. They may be forced to do this because of things that they had done, but they were a really fun group to pick up trash with. Despite the swear words that were used as a regular part of their vocabulary, they never said anything rude to me - and were really interesting and funny people. And they seemed amazed that I had just gotten up off my stoop to come help when I saw them picking up trash. It's not like we are best friends now, and there are still plenty of barriers that stand between us. But I feel so thankful to have my stereotypes confronted and deconstructed a bit - to see these parolees as human beings rather than just people to be afraid of them. I will make this a regular part of my Fridays from now on, and I hope that I get to be in their group again.

The word "serendipity" is defined as: the act of finding something valuable or delightful when you are not looking for it. This was certainly a serendipitous morning for me - happening upon this experience totally unexpected, but finding something so valuable in it. And really, it had to be a God thing because there are so many "ifs": If Doug hadn't borrowed Des' car I would've gone to the Agape Center and not been there that morning. If Kirsten hadn't asked me to take DJ to Spanish Camp I wouldn't have been awake that morning. If I hadn't needed to get a birthday card at Rite Aid I wouldn't have bought the paper. And if I hadn't decided to read the paper outside I would've missed all of this. Thank you, God. I want to live in a way that is always open to these kinds of opportunities.

Becoming neighbors...

2009-07-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that I have been here in my apartment on Derry St for over a month now. This is the neighborhood I fell in love with during my time at Messiah - and after years of driving in and out, it feels so right to live here now. I love that I am surrounded by people from so many different backgrounds - on my block alone, there are folks from Niger, Burkina Faso, Pakistan, and Puerto Rico! I love that people blare rap and hip-hop from their cars. I love that kids play outside on the sidewalks, and that people talk and laugh loudly outside my window. I also love the "roughness" of this neighborhood in a way that I can't explain. This place is so alive. Yet I won't pretend that it's free from problems - there are shootings sometimes, drug deals go down not far from here, and the cracked sidewalks and abandoned houses attest to the poverty that plagues this area. But there is also a lot of hope - so many organizations working for positive change here, so many people committed to making this a better place. And I am here to be one of them.

I have felt welcomed by the other "transplants" - our neighbors from Niger and Burkina Faso have become friends who watch out for us; our landlord and his family next-door are wonderful, sharing their children and telling us about ways to get involved in the neighborhood; Burmese refugee friends stop by all the time; and we have connected with other like-minded folks who moved onto the Hill intentionally. It has felt good to befriend other "outsiders".

Being welcomed by the natives of "the Hill" has not been so easy... I've quickly discovered that living in this neighborhood and being part of this neighborhood are two very different things. There's no question that us three white girls stick out. Most of the time it is something that is unspoken but tangible - when I walk down the street I can feel people looking and wondering what the heck this white girl is doing here. And sometimes there are comments - ranging from the curious: "what are you girls doing in this neighborhood? you're too nice to live here!" ...to the belligerent: "F*** white people!"

I so badly want to become a part of the community that exists in this neighborhood, but I underestimated how difficult it would be to connect across very real barriers of race, class, and culture. Because this really is a different culture - with its own history, identity, and way of life that I don't share, and ways of communicating and interacting that I don't fully understand yet. I long to understand, though, and even more to belong. But I know that will take time and a great deal of intentionality on my part.

I'm still figuring out how to interact with people - which is odd, because I'm no stranger to urban neighborhoods and grew up in one not that different from Allison Hill. Yet I was never a part of the neighborhoods I lived in before - I had been taught to put up my guard whenever I was out, so lived parallel lives to my neighbors, rarely interacting. That is not how I want to live anymore, but it is difficult to unlearn that now, and without intentionality I can easily default to just shutting everyone out. This is not driven by fear of bodily harm, because I'm not scared. But perhaps it is driven by fear of awkward interactions, fear of rude comments that can be the result of friendliness. Some days I'm tired and would rather just stay inside my apartment instead of dealing with it all, but most days I am up for the challenge. This is what I chose, and nobody ever said it would be easy.

One of my roommates commented recently that this place is hard - not like hard soil that just needs to be turned a few times to soften up, but like the concrete sidewalks that aren't easy to crack. However, I am reminded of a parting gift from my former boss at the Agape Center - a beautiful picture of a dandelion, with an encouragement to always plant ourselves in hard places, to grow where little else can, and flourish with a tenacity like that of this flower. That is what I hold onto now - I will be that dandelion here in South Allison Hill.

Family, “Stuff”, & Weather: Windows into my Control Complex

2009-06-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

There are three things I’ve been preoccupied with during the last three days: my family, my “stuff”, and the weather. To make a little more sense, I’ve been home with my family sorting through a bunch of stuff in preparation for a flea market today which was decidedly impacted by the weather (refer to previous post).

The “stuff” part has actually been a lot of fun – oddly perhaps, I find that I get immense satisfaction out of sorting and organizing things, and was happily occupied with this for many hours. And I was positively gleeful when I got rid of a bunch of it – like Thoreau, I had felt burdened by the “tyranny of things”. Having so much stuff is stressful, since I don’t have room for it or use for it, and must exert so much effort to organize it and get rid of it. As he put it, then we do not own our things – they own us. So I felt a freedom of ridding myself of things that I no longer needed – I long to live simply and not feel burdened by so much “stuff”.

The family part has been not quite so fun – what is it about family that brings out the best and the absolute worst in people? At least, that seems to be true for me. We can have so much fun together and share great conversations, yet it takes so little to spark an argument that can easily degenerate into a yelling match. In general I consider myself a fairly decent and kind human being, but when I’m with my family I can be a real jerk and downright mean. I hate when I become that person, and I hate that it takes so little for her to emerge.

It’s sad, really, that family seems to bring out the ugly side of our human nature – because these are the very people who love us the most and have given us the most in life (at least, that’s true for me). The older I get and the more I interact with young kids and their parents, the better I understand the strain of parenthood – the constant demands upon your time and energy and patience, the choices you must make every minute, the many sacrifices, and the sometimes little thanks in return. All of this is done out of love and it is truly an amazing thing – something that I am only really beginning to appreciate in my own parents. Yes they are imperfect, yes they’ve made mistakes, yes they’ve passed on some dysfunctional patterns, but they deserve more from me than the tolerance, condescension, and snappishness that so often characterizes my interactions with them. Why is it that family are often the hardest people to love? Maybe because that is the one place where nothing is glossed over, and we see eachother’s imperfections most clearly…

Reflecting on all of the time I spent with my “stuff” and with my family, I had a lightbulb moment. While my enjoyment for sorting stuff and my frustration with interacting with my family both have definitely roots in my personality and history, they also speak to a fundamental truth about myself – I harbor a need to control. Part of why I love sorting stuff is that I exert ultimate control over it. I can put it in different piles and boxes, organize it by topic or author, and make it do anything I like. I can single-handedly transform great disorder into perfect order, and that gives me a heady feeling. I can’t do any of that with my parents or my brother – in fact, the more I attempt to mold their attitudes and actions into what I want, the more they resist it. I have no control over what they think or say or do, and when I try to make them conform to my timetable or my agenda it is usually in vain. I think the fact that I cannot control them is the source of some of my frustration – bringing a feeling of helplessness rather than power. And the rain today at the most inopportune times seemed to me to be a polite reminder from our Creator that despite our attempts and successes at controlling almost every aspect of our lives, we cannot control the weather – that’s completely up to God.

A Very Long Day

2009-06-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

Starting a 6:30 this morning, my day was spent hauling stuff back and forth to not one, but two flea markets! This is how it went down…

Put stuff in the car. Drive to Oxford Circle. Unload. Organize. Drive home. Load up car. Drive to Oak Lane. Drive home. Repeat process. Go back to Oxford Circle. Frantically load up amidst pouring rain. Groan at wet stuff piled haphazardly in the car. Drive home. Collapse. Change out of wet clothes. Devour pizza. Drag wet stuff out of car. Drive to Oak Lane. Load up. Drive home. Repeat process.

Finished at 6 in the evening. Exhausted.

It could be considered a bad day in many ways. It was a heck of a lot of running around. We got very wet and our stuff got wet. And after all of that time and effort, we made $17.65 at one flea market and $30 at the other one. Was it worth all of the family tensions and fights that resulted throughout the day?

Leave it to Beaver or some such show would conclude this episode with something like: “Well, we are tired and wet and still have a bunch of stuff, but we learned that when we work together as a family we can get stuff done and have fun!” The Arbours aren’t the Cleavers, and it’s not that easy. But we can laugh about it together, and for us that is enough.

The Gift of Time: Creating a new lifestyle...

2009-06-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

I am loving living in Harrisburg as an unemployed alum right now :) What excites me most is all of the time I suddenly have, and the freedom of choosing what to do with it. For the last 4 years I have been so accustomed to my schedule being dictated by my many responsibilities, so now I am thinking carefully about how I want to use this time that is now available to me. I know that my schedule will not always be so free, but how can I intentionally invest the time that I have to truly reflect the values that I hold dear? As a student I so often felt that my schedule and my values were in a tug-of-war, with a lot of my time being spent on what I had to do and not what I wanted to do.

Making lists is helpful to me, and so here's how I would like to translate my values into my new "Post-Grad Lifestyle":

Cultivate my relationship with God.
1. Be faithful in morning quiet time.
2. Practice prayer as a spiritual discipline.

Cultivate relationships with people.
3. Keep in touch better with friends who are far away.
4. Practice hospitality to those who are near.

Invest in the communities that I am a part of.
5. Find ways to use my gifts in my church communities.
6. Find ways to get involved in the Allison Hill community.

Engage with the broader world.
7. Keep up with the news!

Take care of myself.
8. Get enough sleep :)
9. Make time for rest.
10. Read for fun!

I am working on many of them already, but please hold me to them and give me ideas for things to add to this list!

Transitioning to Post-Grad Life: A Tale of Three Weekends

2009-06-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

The past several weeks have been full of transition, and as I look back each weekend marks some sort of a turning point in my life. So let me describe my post-grad life through these key moments...

Weekend #1: Commencement

As an event that I had been looking forward to as the long-awaited end-point of my undergraduate career, it felt very surreal. The formalities and pomp and circumstance marking this milestone somehow felt unreal - like I had already completed my work and earned my degree, and this official recognition was anti-climatic. Everyone was making such a big deal about it, yet to me it was just the logical next step - graduation was what came after you finished school, and then "real life" started. It was that next step that I was itching to get to - "commencement" after all means "beginning" and I was ready to start something new. Despite the sadness of saying goodbyes, I did not dread the future like some of my peers - I was ready to take the next step.

Weekend #2: Philly

After graduation I went home to Philly, and the next weekend was jam-packed with people, as I went from my graduation party to hanging out with friends to church Sunday morning to lunch with friends to a different church in the evening! As an introvert that constant interaction drains me, but it was more than just being peopled-out - I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions. I felt caught between this overwhelming love and gratitude for these people and communities who have played significant roles in my life, and yet this distinct sense that I didn't belong there anymore. I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive - I can deeply appreciate the role that they have played at important junctures in my life while still knowing that it is time for me to move on. I know that these will always be places that I can come back to and be welcomed with open arms, but leaving this time had a certain feeling of finality to it. However, going through this process of letting go of Philly to a certain degree was healthy and necessary as I prepared to move on.

Weekend #3: Harrisburg!

This past weekend I moved into my new apartment in Harrisburg, something that I had been looking forward to for a long time. The weather was perfect, friends came to help, and it just felt so right. After constantly commuting to Hburg for church and volunteering and visiting friends, I was finally HERE and everything felt so close! And I was so excited to be living in the Allison Hill neighborhood, which I have come to know and love during my years at Messiah, and where I am committed to being involved however I can.

So that is where I am now - and so thankful to God for placing me here for however long He wills!

It is finished: Reflecting on my four years at Messiah

2009-05-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

I graduated from Messiah College last Saturday. It still doesn't quite feel real to me, and my feelings about what it means to be a graduate will probably be the subject of another blog post. But I wanted to pause for a moment to reflect back on my four years at Messiah. It would be easy to throw myself into the many things that can occupy my time here at home, but important milestones cannot have meaning without taking time to reflect back on them. So here goes...

As I think back over my four years at Messiah, the person I was when I entered college is so different from who I am now as a graduate. My first two years set the foundation for learning and developing intellectually, as I was confronted with many new ideas inside and outside of class. Professors and peers challenged me with very different theological and political views, and I was forced to reevaluate much of what I had been taught. What did I really believe? This process of deconstructing my belief system was difficult, yet so crucial to who I am today.

Junior year I set off to explore – first going to Philadelphia, then Strasbourg, France. Both of these semesters were challenging and rewarding in very different ways. In Philly I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of the global injustices I was learning about. How could I as an individual affect change in the world? In France I felt isolated from people with compatible values and lifestyles. Where could I find true life-sustaining community to support me?

It was at this point that I connected with a special group of girls. Wrestling with similar questions, we decided to explore the answers together. We came to the realization that we can make a difference by raising awareness and involving ourselves and others in local action. And we can experience community by living together intentionally. Thus, the “SoJo” satellite house for social justice was born. Living in this house as a senior was a fitting culmination of my time at Messiah, and looking back I can see clearly how the core values that I hold dear now have been refined through my education and experiences here.

When I started college I believed in social justice, but in a very abstract and idealistic way. This belief was deeply informed through my education in the social sciences, where I gained knowledge about the grave social injustices embedded in the structure of our society and the consciousness of our minds. Realizations of the systemic nature of racism, poverty, and violence filled me with a burning desire to act. Initially I threw myself into activism, but my idealism about changing the world became realism when I interned at the Capital in Harrisburg. So I put away my protest signs and committed myself to working inside the government for change.

This is closely linked with service, another concept I came into Messiah valuing but not really understanding. However, as I got increasingly involved in the Agape Center – first as a volunteer and team leader, then as an Outreach Coordinator and now the Outreach Director – I began to grasp the complexities and challenges that go along with it. I became keenly aware of the race and class divides separating the Messiah volunteers from the kids we were working with. I learned about the unequal and dysfunctional education system that they are trapped in. I saw how service can be harmful if done carelessly, and how stereotypes have to be intentionally broken down. Service is not easy or simple, yet my commitment to it has only increased as I have seen the difference it can make when thoughtfully done.

The value which Messiah has most profoundly shaped in me is community. Although a campus buzzword, it has become very real to me. I have experienced it through church communities, small groups, and friends who accepted me, supported me, and nurtured me in my faith. I would not be who I am today without those relationships. And as I explored intentional living with my “SoJo” housemates, I embrace community as not just a core value but a constant lifestyle. Supporting one another, carrying each other’s burdens, practicing hospitality, taking Sabbath rest – this is all part of being in community. It is not always easy but is so rewarding, and these relationships and this lifestyle are what I will carry with me.

Equipped and released. That’s how I feel now as a result of my four years here. Messiah has informed and cultivated my core values, and given me so many opportunities to develop and grow as a student leader. As a graduate I am still working out my vocation in terms of a job, but am committed to living intentionally with others and investing in a low-income urban community. Specifically, I am ready to pour into Harrisburg, a city I have grown to love during my time here.

As I look back over my four years, I can see the unmistakable marks of God’s work in my life. He has truly been guiding my path each step of the way and still is, although I don’t know where it will lead next.

The end is near...

2009-05-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

One week from today I will graduate - it's still hard to believe how fast these four years have gone by. But I am ready - these last few weeks have been really stressful in terms of schoolwork and Agape work, and as much as I've valued my time here, I am so ready to be done.

So ready to cease this lifestyle of a student being constantly pulled in so many directions. So ready to leave an atmosphere where I am held to and judged by standards that I don't necessarily agree with. So ready to embrace a lifestyle of my own choosing, and practice more fully the values that are important to me.

It is at times like this that I really question why higher education does this to students - this imposition of impossible standards, this encouragement towards leadership and extracurricular activities that make balance so difficult. Where is the value in rest, in reflection, in rejuvenating time with people? It seems these are the things that I constantly have to fight for to remain in my schedule.

Recently I have not fought to keep rest, reflection, and friends in my schedule amidst all of the stress, and I have felt the effects of it. All day today I have been trying to work on my internship portfolio, something that shouldn't be too hard, but have failed miserably. I felt like I could not do anything - the drive to finish was gone, leaving me tired and unmotivated. Yet there was still so much to do, and it was overwhelming.

But then I took a break - ate supper outside with housemates and friends, took pictures, turned cartwheels, and laughed a lot! It was just what I needed - some time to get away from all of my work and thoughts about work, and enjoy these silly moments with people dear to me. How many times do I have to learn this lesson, that pushing myself to work constantly only results in frustration? That without rest and reflection and fun, I cannot do my work well? This is what I have been reminded of tonight - and I am grateful for my wonderful housemates, who put up with my frustration, encourage me to keep going, and pull me away for a picnic :) I am learning so much from them everyday...

Thoughts from a “shadow”

2009-04-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

Today for my internship I got to shadow a high-up Policy person at the Capital, and it was great! For starters, the woman I was shadowing is simply amazing – she’s in constant motion convening meetings, asking questions, giving orders, and cracking jokes. She moved so fast that a few times she lost her “shadow” :) But it was really a neat experience to watch this brilliant woman at work. She’s a small woman in the tall men’s world of politics, but whenever she is in a room she holds people’s attention and respect. And while considering all of these weighty issues, she’s still able to have fun. Very impressive.

Today happened to be a day when she was absolutely booked, and so I went to back-to-back meetings with her all day. The breadth and depth of material covered in these meetings surprised me, and gave me a new understanding of how interconnected everything really is. She is a Policy person, so in some meetings we hammered out details of how best to administer the nuts and bolts of a certain policy. But in other meetings we strategized how to get legislation passed, and still other meetings were about the PR campaign for getting the public on-board. Sometimes all of these elements were discussed in the same meeting! So it was just really interesting for me to see how all of these pieces are inseparable, and that to be effective at this level you have to be able to integrate multiple approaches to a given issue and constantly switch back and forth.

Another thing that stuck out to me as I sat through these meetings was how much emphasis there was on money and how to use it. It makes sense that governance at this level deals a lot with apportioning and administering funds, because money is the lifeblood of all programming, especially in our age of economic crisis. There are so many different “pots” of money to manage but never enough to go around, so these people must make the hard decisions about who gets what when, and then fight tooth and nail to make sure it’s not taken away. That’s really what it comes down to. And the devil really is in the details, so much time and painstaking effort must be spent to make sure funding formulas and allocation schemes are exactly right with no unintended consequences.

Apart from the actual content of the meetings, I was interested to just observe how people interacted. There was always lively debate, and I learned some key things about how to be effective in meetings. You have to be assertive and speak up – if you don’t interrupt people your voice won’t get heard. You have to ask lots of questions to get all of the information, and you have to ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand the decision that has been made and what is expected of you. You also can’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” or “I’ll get back to you on that”. These are all really important things for me to take away, since lack of assertiveness is definitely a weakness of mine. I feel like I would be better at it in a setting where I was more comfortable and had a defined role, rather than this nebulous “intern” who’s kind of on the fringe. But I do definitely need to be practicing in this area…

One of the best parts of the day was when I unexpectedly got to meet the Governor as part of my shadowing! Sitting with him and the person I was shadowing as they talked made me realize that these are real people too – people who get tired after a long day and forget things sometimes. But I think that in recognizing them as real people, my respect and admiration for them only grows. Their jobs are not always as glamorous as they seem – these are “public servants” in every sense of the term who work their butts off under nearly impossible circumstances to accomplish things that they really believe in. I could feel the Governor’s passion and pent-up frustration as he addressed the press about the need for gun control, an issue close to my heart. I saw the many roadblocks that people tried their best to circumnavigate during meetings throughout the day. It’s hard work, it consumes your every waking hour, and these people do not get enough recognition for it. The public are so easily persuaded to lambaste government for everything under the sun, but few realize or appreciate how much good work is done. And whenever something is accomplished, there will always be people to condemn them for it.

So it was an exciting, interesting, and enlightening day – only further confirmation that this is what I want to do :)

Trains: A metaphor for my vocational musings

2009-04-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

So when I’m with DJ, age almost-6, I learn so much about trains – which are the fastest, where they go, when he saw one or rode on one last, etc  This weekend, however, as I rode a train from Harrisburg to Philly and back for Easter, I was thinking about a train as a metaphor for my life. Don’t laugh – it’s true.

These past few weeks as I’ve been intensely thinking through my vocation and struggling with questions of what I should do and where I should be, I’ve been impressed upon by the idea of sacrifice – some wise words by a recent Messiah grad. In life, especially post-grad, the decisions I make will ultimately involve sacrificing something – I can’t have it all. All of the people that I love will never be in one place – in fact, they’re getting more and more spread-out. So it’s this tension that I’ve been feeling – I cannot embrace one place joyfully without feeling some sense of sadness at saying goodbye to another place. And this brings it back to the train metaphor – I must always say “good-bye” before I can say “hello”, and to some degree I will always feel pulled back and forth between my different homes.

But this week I have finally felt a level of certainty about where I will be after graduation. For about the past year, I have been wanting to stay in Harrisburg, but lately have been struggling with ideas that I should go back to Philly or I should head off to DC instead. But experience has taught me that making major life decisions based on what I think I should do is not a good idea.

And really what my vocational decision comes down to is, where can I find community? That’s what is most important to me right now, and that is what I have in Harrisburg – amazing communities and amazing friends who love me and support me. I think before I was trying to resist the idea of staying in Harrisburg because I was afraid I was doing it out of fear (ironic, huh?). I didn’t want to do it just because I was afraid of leaving my communities to go somewhere else. But that’s not it at all – Harrisburg is where I belong right now. In addition to the sense of community here, I have fallen in love with this city, and I’m so excited to really invest more of my time and energy into making it better.

I don’t have a job lined up yet, but I’m not too worried (most of the time). I have lots of connections at the Capital, so if anything opens up there I will know about it. I am looking more into advocacy groups and excited about exploring the communications end of politics. And if all else fails, I think I will be pretty happy working in a coffee shop, volunteering, and just learning how to live life as a real person, not just a student. Even though things are uncertain, I just have so much peace about this, which is a really wonderful feeling.

I’ve been reading a book by Parker Palmer called “Let Your Life Speak”, and it’s all about vocation, told through his vocational journey. This is my favorite quote from him: “Vocation at its deepest level is: ‘This is something that I can’t not do, for reasons I’m unable to explain to anyone else and don’t fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.’ ” That is exactly how I feel about staying in Harrisburg – I’ve tried to explain it to people and they don’t always understand, but it’s something that I’ve just got to do. This is where I am meant to be right now. Maybe not forever, maybe for a season, but for right now – YES!

Peace like a river...

2009-03-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

I've been continuing to think a lot about my vocation this week... As I've gone through different tasks and meetings, I've been intentionally analyzing what things I enjoy and what things energize me. This week, that's not been at my internship - in fact, I've been rethinking whether I really want to work in government or politics at all. I have found a lot of excitement and purpose in my work at the Agape Center, and in things related to Harrisburg. So I don't know exactly what that means, but I am open to possibilities that I wouldn't have even considered a month ago.

And there has definitely been a shift in my perspective on vocation since my last post. At that point, I was focusing all on career and where I could find opportuntities to fulfill that. Now I am unsure about career, but more committed to place. Harrisburg is where I belong right now, and I will stay here with my people :) I guess I have shifted to valuing community over career - community is what I am sure of, while career I may not figure out for a while.

So my "plan" right now (if you can call it that) is to find an apartment in Allison Hill (in Hburg) to share with friends, and get a job at a coffee-shop or something for the summer. I feel like I'm not ready to jump into a serious job yet - I have been going and pushing myself to handle so many things for so long that I just need a break. Working somewhere, investing in relationships, getting involved in Allison Hill, reading for fun, and playing with kids sounds like just what I need :) After that, who knows...but I have a lot of peace about this.

When the rug gets pulled out from under you...

2009-03-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

This has been a huge week in terms of thinking about and struggling with my sense of vocation. On Monday I found out that the hiring freeze at the Capital is probably not going to be lifted - ever. That was a shock to my system, because ever since my last internship there two summers ago I had been planning on working there after I graduated. With this internship, it seemed like the perfect way to "test out" the job, do some networking, and then get hired at the end of it. Now that seems like a pretty slim possibility.

After being so certain about something for so long, it's been difficult for me to start thinking of other options, other things that I could do. This was my plan, this is what I wanted to do, and now I can't. For the first time, the fact that "the economy is bad" which everyone has been saying has become a reality to me. It's a terrible time to get a job!

So now, the clear path that I saw for myself is gone, and I have to be open to a new multitude of possibilities. It's ironic, because over the past year or two my friends have been trying to figure out what they want to do, and I've always felt kind of weird "having it all figured out" already. But now I am right there with them, not knowing at all where I'll be a year from now. It's disconcerting, but also comforting in some ways too - "uncertainty loves company". We're all in this boat together...

As I've been thinking about what I could do, I've had to think through my sense of vocation - What is it that I really love to do? What gets me energized? How could I best contribute to the betterment of society? In looking at different possibilities, I've had to make the distinction between what would make sense for me and what I could do well v. what I am really passionate about. That has been important for me, because I know that in making decisions I tend to rationalize, choosing what I think I "should" do rather than what I really "want" to do. What I've come back to is that I really do want to work in politics - but how and where is very unclear right now.

There are tons of opportunities in DC, yet I have been really committed to staying in Harrisburg. I love the city, and more importantly I have a great support network here from my church communities and friends in the area. I really do not want to leave that - last time I was gone I realized how much I depended on that support network. And all during this year I've been putting down roots here - investing more in my church communities and my relationships, spending a lot of time in Harrisburg, thinking about where I could live and who with. I really don't want to be uprooted from all of that.

But I'm torn, because there seems to be no future here in terms of career for me. Even if I did somehow get a job at the Capital, Rendell leaves office in Jan 2011 and a Republican Governor will be coming in. Even now, the sense at the Capital is of winding down, which is sad. Although it would be good to get experience for that short while, then what?

The more likely situation is that I won't be able to get a job at the Capital, so if I stay in Harrisburg what will I do? I might be able to get a job in the Legislature (they don't have a hiring freeze) but I don't have connections there and that's not where my passion lies - I want to work for an Administration. There are a few advocacy groups in Harrisburg that seem interesting, but I have become so jaded that I don't think I believe in advocacy anymore, so that's a problem. I could just keep interning forever, working some crap job, and hanging out. I don't know.

I'm trying not to stress out about this too much, and most of the time I'm too busy to dwell on it. I'm trying to trust God with it - I know that He has it all figured out. It's just hard not knowing what my life will look like.

On the nature of government and bureaucracy...

2009-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

So tonight was the SGA Budget Meeting - which every semester never fails to get me riled up and energized to change things. (Odd, I know...) My frustrations with how SGA functions are three-fold:

1) It’s not really a democracy – it’s oligarchy. Most people there are uninformed or don’t care. Those who have the knowledge and power can make proposals, judgments, and arguments with little questioning. They can also cut off discussion to move to a vote without the consent of a majority. That’s not right. That makes me mad. The point of Forum is to thoroughly discuss proposals that come to us and make decisions for the good of all. But that cannot happen when people do not fully understand the proposal, or opinions are stifled.

2) Unless an organization is present to represent their interests, knowledgeable about how things work, and willing to voice their opinions, they can very easily get screwed over. You have to be there, and you have to understand how to “work the system” in order to protect yourself - because no one else will.

3) Finally, the rules/precedent/way of doing things is so entrenched that it is very difficult to change. The Finance & Organizations Committee makes up their own rules or interprets the rules to their liking. And for the sake of “consistency” there can never be any exceptions or flexibility – it is always set in stone.

However, the paradox for me in all of this is this: while I try my best to “fight the system” in Forum, I am also part of “the system” in my role as Director of Outreach. I have the power to deny requests for programming or funding. And as much as I decry the rules of SGA, I find myself enforcing my own rules when it comes to Outreach. I too can be inflexible – even if people are doing a good thing, if it doesn’t fit with our criteria or policy, I can’t approve it. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong – or just a virtue of being in a position where I have to make choices about what programming and funding to do and what not to do. But it feels like being part of any organization inevitably breeds this bureaucratic mindset that it narrowly focused on that organization’s goals and precedent and criteria, and cannot see other perspectives or flex at all. It’s certainly necessary to have standards for making decisions, but do we take it too far? I don’t know… It’s just interesting to see it from both sides...

Something's gotta give...

2009-02-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

The first week of my last semester is almost done. Finally. It's been a rough week - which does not bode well for the rest of the semester. I'm listening to Avril right now, if that gives you a clue...

Classes really aren't bad, although I wish I didn't have to take them. But my time feels so much more constricted doing both an internship and my job at the Agape Center. Although I love my internship, having 2 entire days blocked out of my schedule makes me panic a little - it seems like I have so much less time than last semester. And I have all these great ideas for what I want to do with Outreach, but I don't feel like I have the time or energy to do everything I want to.

Tuesday night I was really overwhelmed - I had the realization that I can't do everything. Why is it my tendency to keep barreling ahead even when it's too much? I guess I can't stand feeling like I've failed or disappointed anyone. I have such high standards for myself and want to do so much...which makes it so hard to say no to things or back off from responsibilities. It took my amazing housemates telling me that it's ok not to do house programming stuff if I need to just take care of myself and stay sane. I am more important than programming - there's a novel idea.

I think a lot of what's stressed me out too is the fact that I've been out of my house since early in the morning til late at night every day this week. By the time I come home I'm exhausted and some of my housemates are already going to bed. With the start of the new semester all of our schedules are suddenly whacked out - we're never home at the same times, and it's really frustrating. With internships and classes and stuff there's nothing we can really do about it, but I don't like it - I need to be with them to stay sane. I need to be home...

Everything just seems so much harder this semester. It's harder to get motivated for classes. It's harder to spend time with my friends. It's harder to do the stuff I want to for Outreach. It's just hard.

On the nature of busyness...and coping mechanisms

2009-01-24T20:46:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been contemplating the nature of busyness in my life - mostly because I'm always busy but don't want to be. Last semester was very full, finals week was brutal, Christmas break was spent running around all the time and not resting, and then I had to jump right back into things for J-term. It's left me feeling constantly exhausted with no end in sight, and questioning how and why I got here.

I remember a conversation I had with one of my housemates over break. When I was describing all of the stuff I was doing she said, "Wow Amanda, you run on busyness." That made me think, and it's true - although I hate being so busy all the time, at the same time I thrive on it in a way. I get a rush from running around and getting things done and feeling accomplished. I like proving to myself and to other people what I can do.

But lately my busyness hasn't given me those kinds of feelings - instead it's made me feel burnt-out. And yet it's really hard for me to stop and truly rest. There's this incessant drive inside me to be productive, and resting when I have so much to do seems counterintuitive. Ceasing production and "wasting time" is hard for me, but I do recognize that I desperately need time to stop in order to renew myself. Already this J-term I've been running short on sleep, consistently forget about lunch, and don't have time to invest with people like I want to. This is not how I want to live. But I don't know what I can do differently...for now I just have to keep plugging away.

I've also been thinking about how busyness functions for me. I think in a way it can be an escape mechanism for me - when I don't want to think about or deal with things that are difficult or painful, it's really easy to let myself go do a bunch of stuff and use busyness as an excuse for not dealing with it. Perhaps that's what I'm doing right now... I keep saying "I can't deal with it right now, I have too much to do." But is it really that I don't want to deal with it right now?

I find that in general I tend to deal with problems by escaping or ignoring or denying them until I can't anymore. With something as simple as homework, I would escape the reality of needing to do it by watching movies, and I would pretend that I didn't have homework (because if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?). I've realized recently that I apply this to more serious problems - I just try not to think about them or pretend that they don't exist. That can't be a healthy way of dealing with them, but I suppose recognizing that those are my coping mechanisms is a good start?

I seem to be learning a lot about myself lately, I'm not sure why. But one more revelation I had today, related to my last post on vulnerability. When I was talking to my brother, I realized how much easier it is for me to be there for him and listen to what he's dealing with than to share anything meaningful about myself. I'm a good listener, but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to really open up to people with my struggles. This is something that I need to keep working on...

On vulnerability and sharing burdens...

2009-01-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

Lately the song for my journey has been "Lean on Me" (The Temptations):

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long'
Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

This song symbolizes a process I've been going through lately. It started when I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to do differently. One of the things was learning how to be more vulnerable with people. I had noticed that last semester that I had difficulty sharing my deepest struggles, and tried to think through why. I think part of it is shame - I'm embarassed about some of the struggles I have and don't want to admit them to other people. I also feel like I have this drive ingrained in me to be self-sufficient and independant, and so I like to think that I can handle everything myself - and I like for it to appear like that to others. It's hard to admit that I need help... And most of all, I don't like bringing people down - I think what it comes down to is that I don't like burdening people with my problems. I find myself laughing off things that really are serious, and saying they're ok when they're really not. I don't want people to spend time worrying about me or feeling sad or upset for me.

However, there come certain points where the burden is too much to bear alone - and that's a point I reached this week. I had been carrying it around with me and it just made me so upset, but when I did finally share it, when I was truly vulnerable with my house-mates, I felt so much better! I had been cold and shaking and sick to my stomach, but afterwards I felt warm and steady and hungry! Those were the outward signs of an inward shift - there were 5 people carrying this burden now rather than just one. And that made all the difference...

I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing house-mates, who truly are shoulders to lean on - whenever I have the courage to share how much I need them.

On papers, procrastination, and priorities in life...

2008-12-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

So this weekend after finals everyone in my house went to one of the girls' houses for a "retreat" before heading our separate directions for Christmas break. It's been absolutely wonderful...but somewhat marred by school. See, when we left Thurs evening I wasn't done - I actually had 4 papers still to write! So last night I stayed up all night, downing coffee and typing away. It wasn't fun, but I got everything done except for one paper that I have to finish over the weekend.

Whenever I get to that point where there's no choice but to pump myself with caffeine and pull an all-nighter, I wonder why I do this to myself. I have always struggled with procrastination and perfectionism - which together put me in this cycle of wanting to do an assignment very well but never having the time and energy to do it justice, so putting it off until I can't anymore and then feeding off of adrenaline to complete it. Somehow it works, though - everything always gets done.

But I don't want to continue like this... I've been realizing this semester that I need to get better at meeting deadlines. It doesn't really bother me to turn in a paper late, but I'm learning in my job at the Agape Center that deadlines are there for a reason, and when they aren't met it affects people I work with and the programs that we're doing. So even though I've gotten into the habit of asking for extensions on papers, I can't get used to that - in the "real world" extensions aren't always possible, and doing things late will have consequences.

One of the consequences of turning things in late is facing the disappointment/frustration/anger of professors. There's been tension that I've dealt with throughout the semester with certain profs, but as I e-mailed in my last few papers yesterday and today this has come to a head. I got two e-mails that were pretty upsetting...

Part of the first one: "As you will appreciate, many students have service responsibilities on or off-campus, have volunteered for the campaign (or have athletics, music, theatre etc) yet are able to complete their work on time. Further, as I am often reminded, in the 'real world' of work a failure to complete assignments on time doesn't result in extensions, rather termination."
The second is even worse: "Your performance in this class has been sub-par to say the least, and I've personally been very disappointed by your lack of attention to this course. In the future, I hope that you will make wiser decisions about priorities. While working in a political campaign is laudable, I'm not sure you made the wisest choice considering your prior academic obligations. I trust that in the future you will realize and accept your limitations; it's not possible for any of us to do everything we'd like to do."

Ouch. As much as I wish the opinions of my profs didn't matter to me, they do - and those words hurt. The perfectionist in me always wants to do well - because I know that I can, and because I want to prove to others that I can. And the people-pleaser in me wants them to think well of me.

I think what's most upsetting about these comments is how they question my priorities. It's true that this semester has seen a marked shift in my priorities - at the top of the list have been the Campaign, my job at the Agape Center, investing in relationships with friends, spending time with God, and SLEEP. School has been bumped very low, and for the first time I've taken the attitude of only doing enough to get a decent grade.

For most of the semester I've been pretty proud of these priorities - in the past I had been a slave to school and work, and so I was really trying to make my life more balanced, and it seemed like a much healthier way to live. But now for the first time I'm questioning all of that... Looking back over the semester, I can't say that I've regretted the way I've spent my time - it was amazing being involved in the Campaign and so totally worth it; my job has been very rewarding; I've loved spending time with people who are important to me; it's been good to work on my relationship with God; and it's been great to get some more sleep :) I've felt so much more like a "real person" if that makes any sense...

So now getting this criticism of these priorities feels like a slap in the face. I wouldn't change how I've done things this semester, but it just hurts that they can't understand that and are disappointed in me. Ugh... I'm just so ready to be done with school! I already went into the reasons why in my last post, so here's one more - I hate being judged by someone else's standards that don't fit with my own.

On Waiting and Advent...

2008-12-14T16:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not very good at waiting. This week especially has been hard - I feel ready to be done this student thing, and start living and doing the things that I want to do.

I want to be working at a job that I am passionate about and feel like I'm contributing to the betterment of the world in some way. I want to have the time to really invest in people I care about, and be more involved in my church communities. I want to live in a poor neighborhood in Harrisburg. I want to read for fun. I want to rest. And it seems like being a student right now gets in the way of all of these things.

Perhaps these things won't be as easy as I think after I graduate, and people tell me that they miss college after they leave, but I just wish I was done. I feel like I'm torn right now - I know I want to stay in Harrisburg and really want to be building relationships more with people from this area, but my status as a student keeps me in Grantham slaving away over papers. Even people's perceptions of me is often related to me being a student - I look forward to the day when my conversations won't revolve around classes and finals, but the greater things in life. I want to be seen as an equal, not just as someone who's still getting through school...

Tonight at House Church I had a realization about Advent - it is in fact a celebration of waiting. This is the season when we look forward with anticipation to the coming of Jesus. We take this time to celebrate the period during which we wait for Jesus to arrive. The concept of a celebration for waiting is a little hard for me to grasp, but I think it's important. Instead of just hurrying up to get to the end result, I should celebrate the time that I have now while I anticipate the things I hope will arrive later. That involves a deep trust in God, which is hard, but which I am trying to cultivate.

This reminds me of a quote from Henri Nowen's book "Here and Now" which I am reading: "There is an intimate relationship between joy and hope...hope frees us from the need to predict the future and allows us to live in the present, with the deep trust that God will never leave us alone but will fulfill the deepest desires of our heart. Joy in this perspective is the fruit of hope. When I trust deeply that today God is truly with me and holds me safe in a divine embrace, guiding every one of my steps, I can let go of my anxious need to know how tomorrow will look, or what will happen next week or next month. I can be fully where I am and pay attention to the many signs of God's love within and around me."

My prayer right now is that my life can embody that...

One step at a time

2008-12-06T19:27:00.001-08:00

I've realized that although I have never been musical, music deeply affects me, and I tend to strongly identify with certain songs during different seasons in my life. Here's the song that I'm identifying with right now...

One Step at a Time (Jordan Sparks):

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take

One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way we get there
Is one step at a time

Take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

Songs for my journey,,,

2008-12-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

I was just sitting in my living room trying to read a political science book, when my mind wondered to blogging... I haven't done it for quite a while, for a lot of reasons. So I was thinking that it would be nice to have a place to share some of my thoughts and feelings, but my other blog (The Stormy Present) is focused on political stuff, which I just haven't had time to think as intentionally about lately.

As I was playing with this idea, I wondered if I started a new blog what I would call it. Then my mind wondered again...to my playlist called "Songs for my journey..." - which has songs that I've chosen to listen to lately to put me in a positive state of mind about where I am in my journey in life right now. And it hit me - that would be a perfect blog title! So here it is :)

I don't know how often I'll update this or anything, but it's here...